So sad that I can't even think !!

[asitis]

asitis, I wish I would be stronger longer some days, my head is all over the place and I stuggle to do what I should really do, I wish I could move up time.

I totally understand, and some days you really wont want to be strong. Unfortunately, that means doing some GAL on the days you do feel strong so that you have a good support network to turn to when tbose hard days show up.

It will take time, so focus on baby steps for GAL. Things like, by the end of this month I will have identified an art class I want to take & signed up, I'll go to church/synagogue/etc twice this month, I will go for a walk 4 days a week this month. Next month repeat. It will help with the emotional struggle, help you feel like an independent person starting to build a life, and increase your chances to attract you H back. Some days you'll feel like "why bother?" Try to follow through on one of your baby steps. That was tough, and I still did X builds PMA & confidence.

When you feel like cr*p, let youself really feel it. Focus on what emotions you are feeling, how it feels in your body, see if you can detect a trigger and note it. If you face tbe paknful emotions, they loosen a bit and are less likely to drive you to pursue your H.

Don't be too hard on yourself, we all struggle, and we all went or go through this. You'll make it and I bbet you'll come to see you had more strength than you believed

Good luck and hang in there.

[RosaLinda]

Thanks for your kind words Cindy. I was not always strong - it was honestly the encouraging people on this forum that helped me to stop being a door mat, make some boundaries and actually enforce them, and set some goals as to how I want to live my life and then start actually living it. Honestly you are doing so much better than I was at your point in my own sitch. You are stronger than you think.

I'm sorry for being missing in action for a day - I work the over night shift as an Emergency Room nurse (A&E by you I believe ). I see you work in a hospital too?

I wish I could know exactly what to do and say EVERYTIME we talk & text....I'm just horrible at this

You are NOT horrible at this. This is all new and raw for you. Honestly, no one thing you say or do is going to make or break your potential reconciliation. URWorthy used to always tell me to stop being so hard on myself because, in the past, I did the best I could with what I knew, and, as I learned more, I did better So I'll pass that advice on to you dear Cindy Sy, stop being so hard on yourself!!!! My fall back statements to my Ex when my mind went blank (it happened a lot LOL) were "I'm sorry you feel like that" "I can see how you might feel like that" and the ever popular "Oh?"

Did you get a chance to read that thread on the stages of MLC? What are your thoughts? I think it's a possibility your H is in a MLC, as he did have 2 affairs and fed you the script "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line.

And what are you doing to get a life this weekend? I hope you've got some plans to do something nice for yourself! And how are your girls holding up?

[CindySy]

Matt777, you seem so strong, so organized in your head.....I certainly are making me get up in the morning....I can't seem to eat much without feeling sick but I do force myself, I go to work but my summer vacations are coming and i have over 3 weeks---that scares me a lot. I am trying to plan things to do with my daughters during that time.
When I read your signature you seem to have it all figured out and the dates seems not that far? What is your main focus (other then yourself)
also, should I let my H decide or bring the subject of a legal separation or divorce? Or should I bring it up or even move forward myself, eachtime with talk about it he seems to avoid the subject a little with we don't have the $ for that or you can look into it if you want but he has no concrete plans for any of it......there is no rush but I wasn't sure if it was a good idea to do nothing and just let him make the first move.
Thanks again for your help Matt777

[CindySy]

Asitis, I don't understand why doing GAL and making new friends is so hard for me suddenly, I gave 29 y of my life for my H & girls and now that it is finally my time, IM SO CONFUSED on how to do it. It is so crazy. I have a lot of tools and ideas to do but can't seem to have the motivation to do them

I will focus on MY babystep every week and force myself to do it on my good days.

Thanks Asitis

[CindySy]

Thank you RosaLinda for saying that I am stronger than I think, everyone says that to me but I certainly don't see it yet.
Yes I work at a hospital as a medical administative assistant, my job keeps me sane at the moment & my boss(female) and all my co-workers are all amazing to me and very supportive. I am lucky for that.

I am very hard on myself, I always been....One thing that I need to STOP doing because it is exhauting....

It's funny to see you write that your mind goes blind because lately when I'm with my H, my mind goes blind and there is big silence gaps in the conversation....I am writing those statements for me to memorize them for future use.

I did read the stages of MLC and I keep reading it because it discribes him to the T, it is so him & the 2 affairs are over now and he's saying that they are all female friend including me. The 24 y old one is done done because he will avoid going to our Tim Horton downtown because she works there,-he failed to tell me so I got served by her a little while back

I had plans to work on the house and catch up with some friends this weekend (I wanted to go kayaking but she was sick)so my plan is to by my own so I could go alone if I had too) but today was a bad day, he was bringing a female friends fishing and it made me so sad to think about it that my motivation went out the window, I was able to get up, do some laundry, read a little, go for a drive for some ice cream then had a nap & a good cry cause I was holding it in all day.
The girls are doing amazing, they are troopers, they keep busy and they talk to me often which is good.

[Matt777]

Matt777, you seem so strong, so organized in your head.....I certainly are making me get up in the morning....I can't seem to eat much without feeling sick but I do force myself,

Well it's nice that I come across that way anyway.
I had a lot of trouble eating at first too, but it gets easier. Food starts to taste good eventually.

I go to work but my summer vacations are coming and i have over 3 weeks---that scares me a lot. I am trying to plan things to do with my daughters during that time.

Good. Stay as busy as you can. With other people is good; with new people even better. But even if you're alone, doing new things is good too!

When I read your signature you seem to have it all figured out and the dates seems not that far? What is your main focus (other then yourself)

Giving advice is easy. I can tell you what I think, but I don't actually have to do it! You can read my thread - I'm still a total mess myself. I understand the CONCEPTS; I know what I'm SUPPOSED to do. But I'm still having tons of trouble with myself in actually feeling my way through all of this.

But I'm focusing on being the best father, friend, and person I can be. I'm staying busy and keeping my mind occupied as much as possible. I'm proving to myself that I can live a happy life without my wife.

also, should I let my H decide or bring the subject of a legal separation or divorce? Or should I bring it up or even move forward myself, eachtime with talk about it he seems to avoid the subject a little with we don't have the $ for that or you can look into it if you want but he has no concrete plans for any of it......there is no rush but I wasn't sure if it was a good idea to do nothing and just let him make the first move.
Thanks again for your help Matt777

Do you want a divorce?
If yes, go ahead and file. If no, then why would you help move it along?

[CindySy]

Thanks Matt777, NO I don't want a divorce, thanks for guiding me again.

[CindySy]

Had the worse weekend
I knew my H was going to bring a female friend (he calls them) fishing in our boat & at our camper.
He went to a fish fry and I saw them holding hands I was so upset. The letting fully go doesn't come easy to me.
After seeing the picture, I lost controle with me H on sunday, I told him everything I shouln't have, called him names, it went on for hours, he eventually came to town to talk with me which I refused because I was on a major rampage and it was better for him not too. I wanted to sell everything, house, camper, boat ect and take a cut and never have to see him ever again.
I even told him I was going to get him fired.(which I could)
He kept asking me to talk with him and asking please ....
He didn't sleep last night & I didn't either....
This morning I told him that I was a women of my word and I was going to honor the plan we had set for us. He said Thank you !!
I started to feel so horrible for everything that I said I really did went way to far.
I wrote: Iam sorry about calling you name last night but you keep hunting meand I need it to stop, It is not me to loose complete control like that not the best appology)
He wrote: I deserved it
I wrote: No one deserve that not even you !! I am really sorry.
He: I understand, I know that I was a terrible husband & a terrible dad I know that from the things you daid last night, it opened my eyes.
I said: They were all said when I was madly hurt.
He wrote: The girls invited me for lunch on father's day
I wrote: that's awesome, enjoy, they miss you (he has been not making any effort to see them since he left)
He wrote: I said yes but now I really dont fell like I deserve it
I wrote: Yes you do ! you are a great dad, you were always a great dad Germain, we all make mistakes, just refocus on them from now on. Just focus on not making the same mistakes your dad made(his dad was a drunk/he beat them up verbally & physically, he never made time so his kids ever & he is a registered padophile in Canada) & me & the girls will see that, don't worry.
You are a hardworker that is one of many qualities you have Germain,you just lost your way a little.
He wrote: Thank you fo saying that Cindy
I wrote: I know you and I know you very well and what you are doing is not you, not the Germain I know, the Germain I know always put his girls first & his family first, that is huge, you are a good hearted person that has lost his way at the moment that'a all, you are loved & appreciated.

I was really afraid that he would fall into a depression with my aweful mean conversation last night, he was taking is very hard and I don't blame him, I was very mean and I will NEVER do that again it not good for anyone.

The rest of the day was good talking about our daughters college & finacial....I don't understant why he keeps wanting to help me and being nice to me.....I think he feel obligated sometimes...I hope I didn't screw it up for us one day, I will keep my emotions in check from now on I have too, it not an option.
I feel better to know that he will sleep tonight & I will too. He works out of town all week for the next month.

[CindySy]

On a happier note, I bought myself a new kayak & I am making plans to try it out this weekend & my H is really happy for me, he even liked my picture on Facebook

[CindySy]

Today I got another bum on the start of my day, got out to leave for work & my brand you car got vandalized, got 5 key scratches some are very deep & some have dents with it.
OH my gosh....when will I get a break
I called to police to report it and now I have to get it repaired.

Life is so frustrating to me lately.