I know how you feel about the other stuff. I can tell you to let it go, let it go, don't think about them, but I know it can also seem uncontrollable.
So, I guess the best thing is to find a way for you to put it in perspective. Knowing that nothing you say or do will change their behavior.
For me, it makes me crazy hearing about the communication between xh and my kids. I assert myself as un-phased, but inside... I'm dying.
But honestly, I do whatever I can now- not to know. However, it is more difficult your you since your kids are around the nonsense. I feel for you with that.
All I can think is that it may be easiest to just not even think about it. It is clear that your kids have to work through this... and they struggle, which is normal. But, know, they will see things that you won't even realize. But, they will work it out, one way or another.
Find some peace in knowing that whatever happens with your kids and them, it will not tarnish your r with them. You are their mom and nothing/no one will ever come between that.
I'm so sorry that your in-laws are being difficult. I am also sorry that you are feeling that everyone is supporting their r. That is very difficult. Although my sitch is different, I also feel that everyone supports xh and hww's new family like it is good news. Again, I know it's different, and you have your health to deal with, but I know the horrific feeling. I feel like I am being gaslighted by the world- that they don't see how screwed up this is... and I have to suck it up.
But, I have to have faith, that people really see through it. It's just they don't have enough invested to say something to them, but I'm sure there are whispers. In both of our sitches. I am sure people have compassion, even when we don't know. And, they really aren't that invested, anyway.
Gossip is gossip, and for your MIL to participate, well... that speaks volumes on HER. And, I was raised Catholic, and what they are doing isn't so... Catholic. So.. let them say what they want. You know deep down what's important. What's right. What's good.
You will be OK.
I am sure you are familiar with the bible, V. I read more and more of it. I have become more familiar with it over the past months. I will be honest, I didn't know it very well. But, I do find a lot of comfort in it. And, use it to empower you, V. In those times of distress, in the times of hearing what others say, in the times of dealing with h & ow... find those verses which will help you. Which will keep things in perspective. Give you strength, peace...
You need to focus on you, V. You will find, that when you ask less about them, keep them out of your thoughts, avoid them... You will find more peace and strength.
You need that. Don't ask about him. It will be difficult at first, but you will find that it will help. And trust your kids. They will have to figure it out, regardless. But, they will eventually start to come to you more, bc they will feel you aren't discussing it from an emotional place. But they will be able to sort it out. Trust it, V.
I don't mean to be pushy saying what will work. I'm sorry if that's how I'm coming across. It is just something that worked for me. And I am dealing with some of the same emotions in a different, yet similar sitch. Whatever works for you, I pray for you and that you will find it.
Keep your head up! You can do this. It WILL get easier. That's coming from someone who had a hard time getting there... as I still continue my journey there. I'm looking for a permanent residency there!
