First post. Desperate for advice.

[Last]

Well, they don't get more wayward than when they are having A's with more than one guy at the same time. This is more than a bad "habit" she has developed. By you telling her she could continue to chat with these men, you might as well as said she could have cyber sex with them, b/c that's what is going on. That is why she needs her privacy!

You cannot let this just slide by, avoiding conflict and waiting until she decides to come around. If it continues, it will get worse. Eventually, she will start meeting them in person b/c most of them are looking for a f--k buddy and will press to see her.

She is getting her cuddling time from you, on demand, while she gets her sexual stimulation from strangers. Don't you see something wrong with this picture? You may call it stubbornness, but it is a power play on her end. I don't think it is you being stubborn as much as maybe something, but I will hold back from saying at the moment.

She does have all the power b/c she has taken it like taking candy from a baby. She gives you all that BS and she gets to do whatever she wants. What are you doing while she's having cyber sex? And did I understand you right about having sex with her? One place you said it had stopped, but another place talked as if it had started up again.

Matt is right, you need to focus on basic DBing principals at the present time. If you have a tendency to mix part truth with part something else, you may get some of the advice confused, as well. I suggest you not jump into something too deep without getting the basics. There is a lot of reading you need to do, starting with Cadet's homework assignment.

You can't grasp all of this over night. It's a lot to digest.

Since I wrote that, things have changed. They are changing very rapidly. We are in separate rooms. No more cuddling or sex.

Safe to say, I have NOT been DBing up to this point.

She is very upset over the lengths that I went to in order to expose her conduct (I got pretty aggressive). She is angry that I involved members of her immediate family in an attempt to get through to her. She was aghast that I shared the details of her betrayal with these people. She calls all of this "controlling" and refuses to be controlled.

This was controlling. I could not let go, could not detach. Instead I went nuts and thought that her family would somehow break through to her. I wanted her to stop the online chat and endeavored to "make" her stop by having her family pressure her.

She has fought back very hard and has carved out a position opposite me as "also-betrayed-spouse". Because during my seeking of facts I felt free to lie to get to the information. "Yes, I made a terrible mistake, but look what YOU have done".

During this time she has made concessions regarding the conduct she refused to give up. Not 100%, but more transparency. She knows it was wrong.

However, now we are in a state where through scorched earth tactics our marriage is basically dissolved. Neither of us is ready to file, but we are both in a great deal of pain.


So......The DR book showed up yesterday. I'm gonna read it. I am going to re-read the rules. How do I pick up here and begin the process after doing pretty much everything wrong?

[Matt777]

You pick up right where the book starts.
You start ACTUALLY DBing.

There are always going to be mistakes and backslides and things you didn't intend perceived in negative ways. The path forward isn't always linearly positive. Brush yourself off and get back on the horse.

You can do it.

[Last]

You pick up right where the book starts.
You start ACTUALLY DBing.

There are always going to be mistakes and backslides and things you didn't intend perceived in negative ways. The path forward isn't always linearly positive. Brush yourself off and get back on the horse.

You can do it.

Thanks. On the horse. Running into her anger over being exposed. Seems to be the biggest obstacle to progress right now. Exposure is like dropping a nuclear weapon to break up a fist fight. I have doubts as to whether it was necessary. It did seem to break the EA fog. At the time it seemed like the only recourse. That was before I read and understood the DB principles.

I am about halfway through the DR book. We are going to have to deal with the state the marriage was in for years prior to her infidelity. That situation was 50/50 on both of us. Then she had the EAs. Then I exposed and hurt her terribly. Now we are left to pick up the pieces.

If we can rebuild, I think we can be stronger. I have doubts as to whether that will be possible. I have to keep time in perspective. It's only been 2 days since the exposure. It's still very raw.

[Matt777]

Last -

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but your marriage as you know it is already over. Your post above is about piecing everything back together....but that's several steps down the road from where you are right now.

Start by detaching. Start by getting your own life. Start by identifying 180s and implementing them. Start by working on YOU. Don't worry about rebuilding right now

It's not easy. It's definitely not painless. But you can do it.

[Bob723]

Start by detaching. Start by getting your own life. Start by identifying 180s and implementing them. Start by working on YOU. Don't worry about rebuilding right now.

Hi Last,

I'm very sorry to hear what you are going through. Ouch!

I love Matt's advice, especially what I quoted above. I hope you will follow his advice. It is so important, and yes, hard to do.

You CAN do this.

Bob

[Last]

Start by detaching. Start by getting your own life. Start by identifying 180s and implementing them. Start by working on YOU. Don't worry about rebuilding right now.

Hi Last,

I'm very sorry to hear what you are going through. Ouch!

I love Matt's advice, especially what I quoted above. I hope you will follow his advice. It is so important, and yes, hard to do.


You CAN do this.

Bob

I realize that the relationship we had died the day I made my discovery. Actually the case could be made that our marriage had died years before.

Yes I am working to detach. I have made some progress. We are trying an in-house separation because of the children. I am doing my best to make myself scarce and to follow the rules.

I can see glimmers. She still cares. She is grieving the loss of her husband. I want so much to hold her and tell her that it will all be ok, but I cannot. I know she wants me to, and I know she knows why I cannot.

I am reading and doing the work in the DR book. I am finding the 180s. Working out. Not clinging. Not checking up.

We will survive. My family will survive. I have hope.

[Matt777]

The key is that you are doing this for you. If you're looking over your shoulder and trying to make your changes and 180s to impress/surprise/or otherwise influence her, it just won't stick. Become the person you want to be. You've been given this time. Use it!

[Elly4]

Hi Last, what are you doing for GAL?

[Last]

Hi Last, what are you doing for GAL?

I am struggling with that. So far I am eating better (not hard because I have no appetite), I started working out. Today I went out to a movie (she got worried when I showered and shaved to leave).

I have always been a homebody. I enjoy time with my wife and with my kids. I have few friends. I NEED to come up with some outside interests STAT, but I need them to be actually fulfilling.

I like fishing. I may get more into that. But that can't be all. Suggestions are appreciated!

[Last]

The key is that you are doing this for you. If you're looking over your shoulder and trying to make your changes and 180s to impress/surprise/or otherwise influence her, it just won't stick. Become the person you want to be. You've been given this time. Use it!

Yes. I want to change. I want to be more positive. I want to be less judgmental. I want to be more fit & more attractive (to make me feel better about myself). I want to not be fully defined by my roll as a husband/father and instead be a man who is also those things.

I get that these changes are about me. If, god forbid, our marriage is doomed, I want to have learned something.