Abuse

[Vanilla]

Things which ate ineffective with abuse


1. Telling the abuser your feelings
The abuser doesn't understand not because they dont want to but because they can't relate to your feelings. They make no sense. If after a couple of tries there is no apology that is a sign that this a systematic abuser. Just negate what they are saying "very funny" or "irrational". In normal circumstances this works, "when you say xxx, I feel hurt" gets a heartfelt apology and a "I will make sure that doesn't happen again". Not with a systematic abuser.

2. Explaining your thoughts/position
Don't protest or explain logically what is incorrect about what the abuser is saying. They will just argue back and say "there you are I told you so" . The abuser sees a counter attack not a discussion. The abusive statement isn't rational, such as "you are always selfish" , giving examples of when your not selfish wont help. Just say" if you say so" . A loving partner wants to know.

3. Improving your perceived bad points
Making improvements to please is a waste of time, the abuser won't want to see them as it won't suit their purpose. It's the abusers problem. If you want to improve do it for yourself.

4. Ignoring it
Abuse still hurts and requires some type of response. Even if it's "well really".

5. Abusing back (screaming banshee)
This escalates the abuse, makes you feel awful and guilty. To the abuser it justifies the abuse.

6. Believing it
It's nonsense stuff, no headroom. It's the abuser baggage. So say "what a load of nonsense." trouble is we buy the rubbish as its said so often. You are a compulsive liar and lie all the time! What rot. Not my view. Everyone agrees with me that you are! "oh really, let's go and ask X then"

Please feel free to add to the list. It's a straw dog. Do I know what works? Partially in small ways.

Loving the post Bob

V