Well, had hoped to see my son this weekend. It's not going to work out that way, though. So, I need to just get through Friday and Saturday...then have church Sunday evening. That will get me out of the house, at least.
I drank with most of the people I know so I can't call them. The church folks I know are great..but we are not really friends yet..we are just getting to know each other and I am such a mess that I'm not too attractive to other folks....in the midst of a divorce, going to treatment and jail...you see what I mean?
So, I am very much alone. It is hard. I can get through it though, I don't have any other choice. I look around my house and look at photos of my family...it makes me so sad to see all that I am losing.
My H has had it. He can't take anymore. I don't exactly blame him, either. I have had it with me, too. As he says, it's always one thing or another...
I don't get suicidal because I have a child...but I do get very sad and wish that I could just end this pain. I am so tired of being lonely. All I have ever wanted was to be loved by someone and to love him in return...now that I am able to accept love and really give love...I don't have it anymore. It seems like a cruel joke.
I'm taking my meds and eating. I've done some laundry. I suppose I could force myself to clean the house from top to bottom for something to do. I just don't feel like doing much of anything but watching television and reading and sleeping.
My life, as I knew it, is over. I have to prepare myself to move forward, I have not come far since the day I got married... On my own, I am now just...poorer, more alone than ever, and ten years older....it doesn't excite me.
I have got to change my attitude, I know. I do thank God that I am not sick with breast cancer anymore. I do thank God that I have a chance to go to treatment. I do thank God that I am healthy and that I can go back to school and get my teaching certificate reinstated. I am thankful to God that I am alive and that I have a beautiful son who does love me. I am thankful to God that the folks here on the bb will support me when I need it and chastize me a bit when I need that, too. I am thankful that I woke up today. I am thankful that I can take things just one day at a time. I am thankful that my H called me yesterday.
I am thankful that H agreed to financially help get son down here for the weekend even though it is not going to work out that way. It was nice of him.
I am thankful for the bb...so that I can at least write out how I am feeling on a day to day basis.
Thanks, Jackie for your kind words and LL, you, too. It's folks like you two that keep me coming back here for support.
