Abuse

[Vanilla]

How serious is the abuse?

I created this monitoring tool on Verbal Abuse based on the Categories in The Verbally Abusive Relationship Module of the Freedom Programme

I posted this on thread 12 page 4 after seeking many sources of help to modify my own behaviour to improve the R, as the lower levels of abuse were countered H escalated at this stage level 4 was a daily event. i had been effective in dealing with levels 1 to 3 . H had started some level 6 behaviour that of attack and intimidation.

At the point of the scoring had not been to the police but I had recorded the rants etc. the stronger the boundaries I set and the firmer I enforced those the higher the level of abuse. The abuse was also public H expected everyone to agree with him.

Eventually I had VSO and contact with an abuse recognition program called the Freedom Program. This is UK initiative and is available on line. it is available for the abuser and the target. The purple remarks were on thread 9 and the red on thread 12.

I have restructure again for this thread putting the items in level order and correcting minor spelling, grammar and layout issues.

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These were Vs original thoughts but actually did not really know if I was correct at the time I wrote it.

These have been inserted from two or three sources and after discussion with VSO. I need practice sessions but I will keep adding as I find responses work or not!.

Identify the abuses in your R and prevents you from being your authentic self.

(V added the scoring: I like scores)

On a scale of 1 to 10

Blaming Level 1 abuse : refusal of responsibility
This is the most frequent abuse tactic, intended to control, put down or make another responsible.
How much do you accept blame in your R?
H=3, V=2

V no longer allows H to blame her, if she is in the wrong she apologises and corrects or atones (12 step 8). No longer works for H. Example H blames C for having no friends or money.

Response that is best : "Stop accusing and blaming me immediately." "stop it!" "I do not want to hear that again." "You are talking to someone you should respect." " Do not say that in that way."

No justification, these are stories made up by H about my motives. Explaining or justifying continues the abuse cycle. If the criticism is valid that can be acknowledged later. This is like throwing a rock through a window, stopping the thrower from doing more damage.

Opposing Level 1 abuse: lack of responsibility
Treats as adversary and argues against anything, perceptions, opinions, thoughts and feelings. Says "no" outright without discussion closing down constructive conversation.
How much opposing is in your R?
H=6, V=2

H gets very few requests from V, but not really one of H characteristics. H LL is Acts of Service. Example H rants "I am a racist"

V now has a tendency to say no to H almost without thinking and this needs review

Counters feelings or perceptions, deliberately misconstrues, refutes that you have said something. Best response is "stop", "let me repeat my statement".

Do not explain the view or this too will be countered, no arging, "I do not see it that way" "I have a right to my own views". "Hold it, can you repeat that or write it down". "Stop countering me". "As you say". Then leave.

Blocking and diverting Level 1 abuse: denial
Abort conversations, make accusations and effectively say "shut up"
How often is discussion closed down in your R?
H=4, V=1

V talks too much sometimes but has had to learn the difference between blocking, closing and evading. parking is V choice of response. H choice expression "do not go there" but V defers and parks and often the need to boundary enforce is needed. Does not happen very often these days. Much better on this. Example H saying he was working when he was at golf. Denies his apple juice rant.

This is thwarting in the worst way. Keep repeating the request (fogging)
An answer which is "no" or "I do not know " is neither blocking nor diverting.
Instead say " you are creating a diversion" and "if you do not know then I reserve the right to find out".

Discounting Trivialising and Belittling Level 1 abuse: denial
Minimising or trivialising feelings, thoughts or experience. Suggests feelings are not valid.
How often are thoughts, feelings or experience discounted in your R?
H=3, V=1

Simply does not work and therefore not used by either H or V. Example V is incompetent at work, useless, she doesn't know better and has no idea.

Devalues the self. "I certainly do not feel supported when I hear this" "I have heard all I need to hear".

Lying, forgetting and denying Level 1 abuse denial of responsibility
Concious lying is manipulation. Addicts and compulsives may deny agreements or promises, a conversation took place, even prior abuse. They may ever declare love and caring. Crazy making, referred to as 'gas lighting' . Particularly evident in gambling and hidden stages of addiction. Can even mean lying by omission.
Are you aware of lying and denying in your R?
H=10, V=1

As far as V is concerned H is a master at this, V tends not to believe anything that H says without independent verification.Example: H has even lied at GA openly, not disclosing the length of time he has been gambling. Nothing V can do on this but try to separate the wheat from the chaff. Perhaps identifying areas where H may not lie and giving more trust. In 12 steps we learn that love is possible without trust.

Do not believe the denial. Do not say how this hurts frightens or disturbs you. Never try to explain or understand why the lie etc has occurred. No anger, use of authority will help, no try to explain. V did not make H anything, "mad" "hurt" "abandoned" or any other thing. Best response "this is crazy making", "stop it", "I do not believe you. Do not let this happen again"

Judging and criticising Level 1 abuse: lack of responsibility
Evaluating, giving unwanted advice, and telling others what they 'should do'?
How much criticism and judgement do you accept to keep your R?
H=4, V=7 (of self)

V is very sensitive to H criticisms although she does not react. She is also likely to impute the wrong motives every time to H. That is judgement but she does not criticise much to H directly. H judges everyone and everything, nothing is good enough for H. H expects perfection. V finds this rather amusing. Example V is fat unattractive and repulsive.

Needs work by V, V needs to find more that H is doing right. V also sits in judgement and criticises herself too much. She is kinder to others even H than she is to V.

These have been real blows to V self esteem. Constant and endless Defining another is real boundary infringement.

Suggested responses "do you hear yourself" "stop judging me" "cut that out, enough already" "that is not acceptable" "nonsense" " keep your views to yourself" "that is my business" " that is not your concern, it is mine" then disengage, further discussion promotes further abuse.

Play, jokes, sarcasm and teasing Level 1 abuse: denial
Wit, ironic, overt praise and always painful to the recipient. Concealed Judgement.
How much smiling judgement do you endure in your R?
H=8, V=2

H when called on his words or behaviour often says "it is a joke, where is your sense of humour?". Very hard to counter, Example "you father should smother your mother" V needs more techniques to counter this. Considering more IC in March.

This is a I am better than you or at your expense and is very immature. Do not try to explain what is unfunny or inappropriate or ask why the 'joke' was said . Do not laugh or wonder about the maturity.

Best response: " I wonder now you have said that, put me down, interrupted me, do you feel more important? I want you to think about it" then disengage. " This conversation is over" or "I will get back to you on that".

Name calling Level 2 abuse: control
Insulting and bullying.
How much do you use this tactic and accept it in your R?
H=3, V=1

V walks away now, screaming banshee used to return insult for insult. No more, enormous progress on this one. Example V doesn't even know how to shop she buys the wrong bacon. Stupid idiotic V.

Best response: "Stop that, do not call me names, ever." "I do not want to hear you call me names again ever." "This is inappropriate."

Ordering level 3 abuse: threats
Instead of requests instructing, treating another like a 'slave'
How much ordering or instruction is in your R?
H=1, V= 0

This just does not work with V although H would try it. Example we are leaving now, at a dinner party.

Best answer "who are you ordering about?", "please ask nicely" or "I make my own decisions". If uses we as in "we are going" then response is "that is not what I had in mind".

Covert aggressive manipulation Level 4 abuse: unexpected
Different from passive aggression. A power play using charm, implied reward, compliments, suggested punishment or withholding, helplessness, guilt, shame,self-depreciation, empty apology or playing victim. A manipulator may appear non aggressive and act aggrieved. Response is guilt, defensive confusion and capitulation.
How active is this component in your R?
H=10 V=2

This is the new H playbook, dropped the other tactic and this is the new and latest leading. V is often not observant enough to notice and she wants to believe H. Example apology I know that I have issues and buys gift.
Counter measures need investigating.

Silent treatment, be matter of fact "I am very bored with this and am going to leave."
Sit with headphones More work needed on this, I still do not fully understand the best way to deal with it.


Undermining and interrupting Level 4 abuse: accusing then criticising
Undermining with statements such as "you do not know what you are talking about" speaking on another's behalf without permission
How much are undermining and interrupting evident in your R?
H=8, V=9 ( of self)

Oh yes a big one this, V wants to do more work on this as she is vulnerable in the work environment. V can be interrupting others at work too. Example, you are taking the piss as you have no idea and don't pay me properly.
V has identified a big issue to work on. However this is not as evident in her personal relationship now, but is a work issue.

This is cruel and covert. "I do not like your attitude" "that was low" " stop, cut that out" "this is the opposite of fun" .

Withholding Level 5 abuse: passive aggressive control contempt
Designed to encourage compliance and destablise. It is very irrational, no fight, no argument, and no obvious anger. A refusal to respond, no contact whilst active in a R. Whilst carrying on conversations with friends, discover plans only through friends. This is shunning and distain could be evidence of an A. Exceedingly toxic. Not talking about NC or dark here.
How much withholding and withdrawal in your R?
H=. V=

Question not answered by V at the time but an Example is H going off and meeting with single women in their homes and they are only friends! It's none of my business ever what he does with his money even when he does not contribute to joint expenses.

Raging abusive anger/aggression Intimidation Level 6 abuse: attack
Designed to intimidate and control.
How much anger is in your R?
H=4 V=2

V gets annoyed but parks it. H has calmed down a lot since this first event has happened. H used to use this to get his own way by merely standing pointing and invading body space. If it happens again it's a deal breaker for V.

According to VSO, the most dangerous of all. Get away immediately and if necessary with evasion. Just leave. Example I know people who can sort you out, and no one will ever know what has become of you.

If slight control " Stop, please talk to me calmly." " Do not raise your voice to me."
Pay no attention to the words, look at the tone and posture.
If threatened : "Stop threatening me." "I do not want to hear this." " Leave me alone." " I am leaving now"
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Approximate time line.

Level 1 abuse: until October 2014 10 months

Enforcing boundaries 1 month

Level 2 abuse November 2014

Enforcing boundaries 2 weeks

Level 3 abuse Dec 2014 then Jan 2015

Enforcing boundaries one month

Level 4 abuse Feb-April 2015 a little level 6

Level 5 abuse last week of April ending May 2 with explosion of level 6 abuse

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Effects of DB, IC and setting boundaries

Initially scores were high in level 1, low in 2 plus

As level 1 ceased to create desired effect, H stopped using these tactics and moved up to level 2, as level 2 ceased to level 3, at the point of the above scoring we had level 4 behaviours and I hadn't learned how to handle those, so there is bewilderment expressed in the red comments on level 4.

I suspect it might be possible to develop this for other categories of abuse too. I only monitored verbal abuse.

IC observed that throughout this I refer to myself as V. Creating distance. H didn't like calling me by my name it was always "darlin". Depersonalising.

V