Sit and Spin

[mustardseed]

Mornings are the worst for me - I don't know why. Maybe the enormity of the day
Stretched out in front of me makes me scared. Another day on my own with two kids who depend on me to make the right choices.

Yesterday we probably overdid it with activities but it was fun and the kids were happy - just very tired today.

Sometimes I wonder if I had to do this all over again would I? My kids of course make me answer yes but the rest? I honestly don't know. My whole thought process was that I was building a life for my family. So many sacrifices for the family but I gladly made them for the greater good you know? My life that included a family. One that was what I thought it was - just a dream in my head? I question reality now - was all of that family talk and forever talk just a dream or a lie or just stuff that people say in the moment.

I feel like I have a bayonet in my back and I am being marched into an unwanted reality. Two choices at this point, submit to the unwanted on my terms or hers.

Funny how one day I feel so confident and other days just down. Still on roller coaster tells me I am still not detached.

I spent time with a friend yesterday divorced 2 years out and still not detached either. Wow. Maybe this is a lifelong process and that is truly daunting.

Reading this I had to second guess if I wrote it myself or not. It's like you read my mind. This is the toughest part. Figuring out what was real. Second guessing everything I took for granted as truth and reality. I don't understand how the impossible is happening. I think of the awful things he has said to me lately. Deliberately hurting me. Who is this person and what happened to my h? Did the h I thought I married exist? These are the thoughts that keep me attached. Somehow I need to get closure on it. Reconcile the past reality and the current reality in some way that makes it ok that I loved him and devoted 15 years of my life to him. Something in those 15 years had to be real.