There is nothing going on in my S. I am waiting for my STBX to finish signing the papers he drew up and had me sign, and pick up his half carload of belongings. It has been over eight weeks now. I am tired of looking at all of his medical equipment that he no longer needs, sitting in the garage.
IRL, I am doing a divorce care group and continuing IC. It is helpful in the group situation to discover the commonalities of anger, brain fog, depression (which can be healing) that we all share. Almost out of my depression, I think. There are moments when anger and sadness hit, and there are moments I listen to the above song to wring out a few more tears, because they are healing too. I feel lighter and more centered each week and that is good.
What was interesting - we are mostly a group of LBS - was that we all experience quite a lot of anger and hostility from the spouse who chose to end it.
My radar seems to be sharpening. I fended off one possible cheater I used to work with who wanted to invite himself over to my house for drinks. I told him that if I was his wife, who I'd never met, I wouldn't feel comfortable and would hate to put any of us in that situation. He played it off. I had another creep approach me with an over the top sweet compassionate vibe, it left me feeling slimy the way he was trying to play counselor and barely knew me. I am very done with the 'nice' guys. I think I would have been more patient in a past life but there isn't much in me that wants to give anything the benefit of a doubt lately. Focused on Me:
Doing lots of GAL, taking care of myself.
Writing down three work/personal projects to be done each day since now I am self employed and it is easy to slack.
I am looking at a past tendency to idealize all boyfriends. IC says I don't have a codependent bone in my body, my sense of self is quite strong - but am forgiving, a lemme help you fix-it, and I need to know when the teacher part of me needs to be shut off. Personally, I am thinking that my desire to be loved and to build a life with my H trumped a lot of misgivings I had. She encourages me to use the skills I did in dealing with my father to further detach and digest the abuse.
About that song...
I look back at the timeline of abusive events in my email records, journals, and at least six or seven times my STBX was happy to discard me and walk away from our R when I confronted him about it...and how I chased and held it together. To me, he was an almost lover. Even as a H. In between the times he wanted to throw up his hands and say he obviously wasn't making me happy...we shouldn't be engaged anymore (when he wasn't happy) and the manipulations, intimidations...he had one foot out the door, or was balanced on a fence. About a 1/3 of the time he lived in a happy, idealized R with me, where we were in over the top love.
No thanks. I have turned my back on you.
The day he was rushed into the ER, before they put him out to operate, he told the surgeon he just wanted to walk for his wedding, asking the surgeon to tell me this, that he would, when he contacted me... I think the week earlier he was telling me we maybe shouldn't be married. It pains me to wonder if despite all the shock and pain he was in...what his real reason for saying it would be. Did he go through with it all to use me during his recovery? I cannot be surprised he ultimately was happy to end this when that check came in three years later. Months into our R, I caught him telling an old gf that I wasn't his ex 'yet, she is going through to much right now for me to break it off.' He was talking to me about marriage that week.
I don't know. But I do know I have dropped the rope. I did not lose suitable spouse material here. I put a carrot on a pure white mule and called it unicorn.
In his mind, I believe he truly does see himself as a victim, who in his words, just could not make me happy. Or it is a projection.
He once wrote to me in early days that he knew he had some serious character flaws and didn't know why I put up with him, or why he twisted and turned the way he did. So I know he is somewhat aware of what he does to control.
I choose to believe he loved me as best he knew how. I don't believe he loved me in the sense healthy adults love.
I still see him nonchalant, giggling, so strange after he picked that check up, days after he was screaming with his fists by my ears, slamming that door into me...he could not have loved me the way he professed and have it all come undone the way it did. It is hard to accept this and that he also cheated during our S and lied about it.
I've broken up with plenty of wonderful men. Ended a three and four year relationship, on the receiving end even. Never have I felt like I was with a sociopath, someone who wore a veneer of sensitivity and feelings. The people I ended my relationships were real, all the way through, even after we broke up and it wasn't as though some mask finally fell away. This is so hard. It seems to invalidate everything, every happy memory, wondering if the happiness can be real, if they are really happy memories worth keeping if the person I was with wasn't really there.
The lyric...'I bet you are just fine and did I make it that easy to walk right out of my life?'
That is still the traumatic part I am digesting. He acted as though we had only casually dated for a little bit. I choose to believe that is a reflection of him, and not me.
I am looking forward to healing all the way. I am close, steadier through the days.
I'd lie if I said there wasn't a sliver of hope that STBX is going to come knocking one of these days and say that he is ready to address the abusive behaviors he uses. That he loves me and all his dating and sleeping around has been a mistake. That he is dragging this process out because he wasn't sure what he was doing. And that it will be several months and I will see him making sincere changes and we will live happily ever after.
But I know I am healing because whenever I feel this flash of it...I feel a much bigger wave of NO.
I want an adult, an actualized and happy human being in my future, with flaws, and a healthy ability to communicate, love and be loved.
Hoping to start contributing to others' threads again. I still hesitate because most of what I want to write is not in the spirit of positive DR. I want to tell everyone to save themselves the heartache and detach, for good, except it probably wouldn't come out even that balanced.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
