Abuse

[Zelda09]

Vanilla, and all - thank you for your work and input here.

I would like to borrow from the web a very good description on how systematically abusive relationships start.

I do not have experience with MLC, and several here have said that abuse can become situational in those sitches. I think for those of us who had the life-long abuse/control issue that Vanilla describes, you will recognize this -

"Early beginnings

An idyllic opening is part of almost every abusive relationship.
•There are many ways in which the glowing beginning of a relationship with an abusive man can serve to entrap the woman.
•Like any love-struck person, she tells her friends and family what a terrific man he is. After talking so highly of him, she feels embarrassed to reveal his mistreatment when it begins-so she keeps it to herself for a long time.
•She assumes his behavior comes from something that has gone wrong inside of him-what else is she to conclude, given how wonderful he was at first? So she pours herself into figuring out what happened.
•She has a hard time letting go of her own dream; she thought she had found a wonderful man.
•She can’t help wondering if she did something wrong or has some great personal deficit that knocked ended the idyllic beginning. So she tries to find the key problem inside of herself.



Many ask the question: Does an abusive man deliberately plan to become abusive when beginning a relationship?

The differences between a woman falling in love and an abusive man falling in love are as follows:

She is looking for an equal partner to love and be loved by.

He is dreaming of having a woman that meets all of his needs, is beautiful at all times of day and night, has no needs of her own and is in awe of his brilliance and charm. He desires a woman who will cater to him and never complain about anything he does or darken his day with frustrations or unhappiness about her own life. Although abuse of a woman is not the goal, control certainly is. He then finds himself using abuse to gain the control he feels he has the right to.

An abuser is a human being, not an evil monster, but he has a profoundly complex and destructive problem that should not be underestimated.

An abuser’s behavior is primarily conscious-he acts deliberately rather than by accident or by losing control of himself but the underlying thinking that drives his behavior is largely not conscious.

An abuser learns manipulative and controlling behavior from several sources, including key male role models, peers, and pervasive cultural messages. By the time he reaches adulthood, he has a integrated manipulative behavior to such a deep level that he acts largely on automatic. He knows what he is doing but not necessarily why."