Hi guys! Hope you all are well. Things in Mighty World are A-OKey.
Nothing too eventful. Which is great. However, things have progressively changed. My life is so different. Not that it's different, but how I feel in my life is different. Xh is not longer a primary thought. Secondary, perhaps.
What I've noticed... he isn't the first think I think about when I wake up in the morning. That is such an amazing feeling. After a year and a half, of overwhelming, consuming thoughts of him... they are finally changing gears.
What I've also realized about this, is that they aren't replaced by someone else. I know that seems silly, and you all know I wouldn't jump into anything like that. But, it is a good indicator that life can be fine without that. That I'm going to be OK. I didn't need to resort to fulfilling the void with someone else.
Let's be honest, though. So, maybe sometimes he is the second thought I have when I wake up. But, I still acknowledge that it wasn't the burning burden weighing on my mind, seemingly uncontrollably.
Kids are well. S18 had his FINAL day of HS this week. YIKES! Spend a few days alone at the house, and it was still intact at my arrival. I know he had some fun, but he was responsible. And I think the "freedom" and responsibility did him some good.
D14 is also doing well. She was away and missed Moving Up Night at school. Her friends texted her that she had won 3 Presidential awards. The top honors at her school. I was bummed we missed it, but so proud of her. She is such a well-rounded young lady. And, she is so much fun to be around. I hope this situation does not come out in negative ways at some point. I worry. But, I hope it give her experience (unwanted) to give her more strength and wisdom.
When we were on a boat the other day, she said, out of nowhere, "Mom, can I show you something?" I said sure. She said that she was thinking the other day about what it must me like for me. Then, what it must be like for women who go through a divorce, and she wrote something.
She pulled out her phone and had written a poem on her phone. I gasped at every stanza. She put it into words... exactly what it feels like. I couldn't believe it. She is quite insightful. And here she is... this girl of mine, who never ceases to amaze me. She doesn't say much, usually, about THESE things (she is never quiet outside of that!), but when she does, it is well thought out and spot on. She has great perspective, a good heart, and such strength.
Maybe she will let me share sometime, but I wouldn't without her permission.
As far as xh. Still no contact. He hasn't tried to reach out since hww went to cops. S18 still hasn't communicated, and says he is "firm" he doesn't want his dad at his graduation (it actually made me emotional... I didn't mean to be and was surprised. I just can't believe the way things have turned out. And it breaks my heart.. he wouldn't want his dad there. I get it. Totally. But, it's just not who we WERE. So it's just sad.)
Anyway, d14 finally responded to xh last weekend. She hadn't for a little while, then her phone broke again (yes, again) and so when she did text him, she said her phone was broke. He said he though she was mad at him. She just said please don't text me all the time. It's hard for her to really say things to him, like she was upset, but it is for any kid. And, she does, but I think she just realizes it does no good- he doesn't get it. She is frustrated. Hurt.
So, I don't think she texted him all week. But, she did notice he stopped trying after awhile (when she got her phone back). But now he is starting to get aggressive with it. I don't really know everything. I never ask. I cringe when she tells me. Knowing that stuff makes me spin a little, so I prefer to act like he doesn't exist.
But the other day he asked her if she wanted to go to his mom's with him. That sent me spinning just a little. I don't know if she responded. Like I said, I don't ask. Then, yesterday, he called her. She showed me the phone to show me it was him. I noticed she has him in by his name and not "Dad". A little while later she showed me a text (we were around a lot of people, so she didn't want to 'say' it.) She had texted him that she couldn't talk now. He responded, "What do you mean you can't talk? I am your father..." She responded with something, I think, but I stopped reading. I just shake my head. Respect is a two way street. And for months, when I tried to teach my kids to still be respectful to him and encourage a r, he continued to hurt them. And after the last time when he bailed again, it was terrible what he did to her. He lied to her, tried to manipulate her, guilt her about the baby. Ick. I just stay out of it. D14 has a pretty strong backbone. I worry bc she does not like to hurt people. She sticks up for others, but sometimes its harder to stick up for ourselves. She has to figure this out, though. As long as she knows she can talk to me, I feel good about it (as good as I can). If she is seeking help, I address it as if it were anyone she were dealing with, with respect to the fact that it is her father. I take my emotion out of it when she wants feedback. Which, I don't really give, other than to be honest with herself. Don't do anything you will regret. That generic, but good stuff.
I know he blames me. I don't care.
I don't care about anything they do. The only thing is, I just wish they didn't live here. I can't change that. So, I will just continue to push through.
