Yes, went to a pub a few times. People so friendly! Unfortunately, no. When I booked trip was right after BD, so I felt the need to get back ASAP. Ugh! I should check to see about changing flight and email H that I opted to extend trip. Talk about good GAL! Hmmm....
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I hope that you can change your ticket and visit some of the other areas. I loved Galway and Waterford. Dingle is a nice "harbor" town and again, no matter where you go, the people are always friendly and willing to assist you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Was not able to change flight without it costing a gazillion dollars, so heading back home today. Trying to get in the right head space for seeing H, especially after things left so tense. Plan to be light, content, and friendly and acting as if I am moving on. I have decided to no longer focus on A and will try not to bring it up again. Will keep conversation short and not spend time lingering in same room. Any other tips or words of encouragement?
I still have this weekend away for wedding with H coming up next week. Still contemplating not going given how angry H was before I left. Not sure I can sit next to H and listen to another couple say vows to each other. Will see how this weekend goes and play it by ear.
Last edited by BW05; 06/12/1505:18 AM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I'm sorry that you can stay a couple of more days in Ireland, but you can always return at a later time and enjoy the country.
As for what to do when you return home, you already have a good idea to stay light, be pleasant and keep the focus on you and what you need to do such as unpacking, reviewing your mail, and getting back to doing the normal stuff. As for the wedding coming up, that's your decision as to whether or not to go...but things do change and so will your h's anger...give it a couple of days and see how things go before making your final decision.
Travel safely.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Can't sleep because of time change and I am upset, so decided to journal. I need some tough love and a few 2x4s.
I don't know what I am doing anymore with DB. I have tried to detach, but I clearly I cannot. I guess I just don't know how and I am letting my emotions dictate my actions. I know in my head what the right actions are, but that is not what I end up doing. I think I was over emotional yesterday due to jet lag and ended up in argument with H. It is just hard coming back in this house and being ignored, which is what happened. I started off with a pleasant and friendly hello and he just went up to his room. Instead of ignoring it, I tried to make conversation and was just disappointed. When he did not engage, I got angry and pushed bottoms. He was just being so contemptuous with his tone and it just pushed me over the edge. What was different about last night is that I felt I instigated it. H ended up staying elsewhere tonight.
I was doing so much better with DB/detaching/etc. before mid-April when the A come to light, but have obsessing over it since. There is just a lot of hurt that he would do this and anger that he shows no remorse, so that is also influencing my actions. I just need to let it go since I can't control any of it anyway and remember the A is not about me. But it is hard, real hard.
I still want to save my M, but feel like I am starting to self-sabotage. I need to spend this weekend rereading DB and Cadet's tip threads. I know if I don't change soon I will certainly end up in D. Last night, I clearly did not act like a woman a man would be a fool to leave and just moved backwards. I need to help getting back on track. Should I apologize for instigating fight and use jet lag as excuse?
Last edited by BW05; 06/13/1510:53 AM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Jet lag can be such a bear and it takes a few days to get back into your sleep pattern.
I'm sorry that things didn't go well last evening w/your h. He's not a happy camper and is behaving like a spoiled child. The more you try to engage him, the more he's going to avoid you. The best thing to do is apologize for how the evening went and then let it go. I wouldn't even go so far as to use an excuse for what transpired. Just say "I'm sorry about last night and what happened." Then it will be up to him as to whether or not he acts like a civil human being.
Detaching is difficult when you have them living under the same roof, but in time, you'll get the hang of it. You'll learn to observe his body language and if he's in a mood, then you'll know to go about your business.
I think his problem last night was the fact that you had a good trip and he wasn't happy that you had some fun. He wanted to rain on your parade just a bit. This weekend, try to find some "nap" time to help regulate your sleep once again. You'll be playing catch up on some things, but also take some "me" time for yourself. As for your h, allow him to sulk. He will eventually come around and want to chat and act as if nothing is wrong.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The same way your WAH may have to hit a 'bottom' before even contemplating a change, you too may need to hit a bottom before you are able to detach.
One day you'll see him treat you absolutely terribly, rub OW in your face, send a provocative text, etc...and you'll just be like "what in the world am I emotionally dancing with this person for?"
Yes, a moment of clarity. For me it was september 5th, 2014. The day STBX called me drunk and begged me to talk. The day I went over to the house and ran into OM there. The day STBX and I ML and she said she missed me...then changed her mind little by little while telling me where she learned those new moves. The day she tried killing herself. The day I read through her phone and saw that she had 20 different message exchanges going with what appeared to be 20 different personalities. The day she texted her friends "great, now I'm going to have to start pushing zues away again" along with many other nasty comments.
You go through that and you realize that the person you are looking at isn't ANYTHING like how you picture them. What I've described above is just gross, and that's not everything, just the moment I 'woke up'.
After that was I detached? Yes and no. Things still stung. My heart still had feelings for her. She'd still work her way into my brain more often than I wanted...but when they did I'd be able to let go more quickly. Like walking away from a plane wreck. Still sad about those that didn't survive, but needing a safe distance to protect myself.
Anyway, this was my detachment journey. I posted on Tulo's thread yesterday one of my favorites- "How can you expect H to let go of OW if you can't let go of H?" At some point you can't let go because you're meeting some needs by tying yourself to H. Just don't blame your H for your pain, you can stop that by detaching. And blaming is emotional and about staying attached. Taking responsibility and forgiving is on the way to moving on. Keep GAL, keep steering the ship, and it will come.
Last edited by Zues126; 06/13/1512:15 PM.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues: thanks for posting. Yes, I absolutely think you are right that I need to hit rock bottom before I can completely detach. I feel like I keep getting close to that point but I haven't quite yet. I feel like it is coming though as I am having more and more moments of disgust my H's behavior. I am just now at 3 months since BD. However it has only 2 months since learning of A. In my mind, that is the true BD as I did not have true story at BD 1. We were also trying to re-establish friendship which is not good for detaching. Read some new posts on detaching this morning that helped.
Job: Not sure it was about me having great time. He did not even bother to ask about my trip, which is partly what made me angry. Almost like he was doing his own LRT. I did ask about his trip and he said he had great time. He is acting so happy with his new freedom and acting like he is not in any pain with the demise of our M. He does not see how he is acting like we are already D because he is only focusing on his needs. He also just keeps nit picking about everything I have said and done since BD. For example, I said in the past I am focusing on working on myself right now for me. I mentioned that by not focusing on changing my issues that I would just bring same issues into a future R. It will just be vicious cycle. Maybe I should have not said that, but it seems reality to be thinking about what D means and my part in it. He is not thinking ahead to ramifications of D yet. So to him, he only hears that I am already on to D and there might be OM/ H in my future and that is what my focus is. That I am even thinking that far ahead to changes for possibility of future H clearly bothers him.
He is trying so hard to convince himself that my changes are not for good/legit or that our M CAN'T change. At the same time I think he WANTs to believe in my changes and that our M CAN change, if that makes sense. There in lies his conflict. Well, that and the A.
Based on our talk, he is was disengaged/still mad that I am making assumptions (according to him) about A. Also mad about my snooping and does not understand what I am trying to find by doing that. Duh?! I do know that snooping is against DB, so I do want to stop. I said as much to him about snooping and he just rolled his eyes. He still is in full denial mode about A.
He did admit he is still talking to other "friends" on an emotional level (EA?) about what he is going through and refuses to stop. I have no idea who these people are that he is confiding in, but the people he is hanging out with are work colleagues that are for the most part all early 30s and not married. Not sure of what value they add. He said he needs to do that because he doesn't want to discuss those feelings with me and needs to discuss with someone. He did reiterate that he still loves me. He keeps saying sometimes it is uncomfortable in our home, feels nervous coming home, etc, but some times it is not. He is not taking any actions on his part to change environment only seems to be me. Still says he is torn about wanting D or not. If he had decided it was, he would be gone. All talk though, so I can't believe any of what he said yesterday. Lastly, we also talked about him moving out and I don't think he wants that or is afraid of it. I am too if I am honest, but that is about detaching issues.
I will focus on exercise and some pampering today. Should help with GAL,and getting some rest.
Last edited by BW05; 06/13/1502:37 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
