Sweden beyond rescue it seems.

[Tulo]

Morning and I'm sitting at my nieces school graduation and I feel like standing up and screaming. Feel like making the move to pick up my stuff without contact/seeing him was major mistake even though I have no real hope that seeing him one more time at this stage would cage anything.. Thinking that if we'd met and ended up having sex that would be some sort of a good thing even though I know I'm selling myself short..

Now kids are walking in to the big hall and I need to pull my act together.. Drowning in this mess!!!

[Huddy]

No, your plan holds good. This way he will have to face the issue that you are not holding on to him, waiting at his beck and call.

Scream when you get home.

[Tulo]

Yes, you are right as always dear Huddy. I gave no place left to go and NC is all I can do at this stage. It just hurts so bad. But I did make it through graduation without being dragged off to the mental institution..

Hug

[Georgiabelle]

Tulo,

I'm sorry you are struggling and I do hope you were able to enjoy the graduation a bit. Again, I'm no expert, however, I do feel overall N/C can be a bit overrated to a certain degree. Meaning, that at some point, if you ever want to speak to person, you may have to reach out at some point. And there is also a good chance you will start to see a pursuit/distance dynamic in play although there is the occasional instance where the LBS may choose to initiate contact after a long period of n/c. Not sure if that makes sense...

However, I do agree that going dim/dark can help you start to heal which is imperative. I know it is terribly difficult, however, for each day you don't reach out to him then you may find yourself moving forward a bit. You will still have bad days and sadness, although you will finally be able to focus on what is most important-you!

Please know I'm not saying give up. I'm just saying to shift the focus on to you. I have read several articles (and peeps here say the same thing) that say the person you want intuitively knows that you are still *holding on to them* even if you aren't contacting them. It sounds bizarre, but I actually believe it. It's like the WAS (or even someone you've been in R with that ended under different circumstances) senses you want them, and when you truly let go and give it up to G-d/universe or whatever you believe, then they may start to initiate contact.

Hang in there. Sorry for any errors. I rarely proof read my posts:)

[Smothy]

Tulo, Big, Big hugs. Well done for removing him on FB. I did not have the strength to do that. h removed me first.

You have read my thread and have seen how difficult it has been for me to detach. For the last few days, I have been doing a lot of reading and have reflected a lot on it.

I have repeatedly said to myself, why would I want someone that does not want me. This has enabled me to see H more clearly, his faults, what he has contributed to the breakdown of our M. Initially, I placed a lot (most) of the blame on myself.

I still miss him terribly and for awhile was daydreaming about the time when we would meet back up in the UK, have amazing sex and everything would be ok. like you, this was one area that we connected really well. I still have the craving of wanted him physically. I don't know how strong I will be when I actually see him again.

Since I have stopped looking at his FB page and our joint accounts my own pain has declined. I was putting myself through that. Why would you want to stab yourself deliberately? I still have the urge but fighting it is becoming easier. I have not spoken to H since 9th of April and proud to say no snooping for a month. Small, small steps but it does moves us forward little by little.

[Tulo]

Tulo,

I'm sorry you are struggling and I do hope you were able to enjoy the graduation a bit. Again, I'm no expert, however, I do feel overall N/C can be a bit overrated to a certain degree. Meaning, that at some point, if you ever want to speak to person, you may have to reach out at some point.

Hey Georgiabelle! Thank you so much for posting! I very much appreciate it!

I really don't know what to think about this going dark because read on the "going dark" tread and after a few posts it seemed like most thought it a bad idea..
However, I do have a plan with this NC. He is going to the US in a months time for work. My plan is to NC until he has been in the US for little over a week and then contact him to ask if I still can have some stuff sent to his hotel as he has promised earlier.

I figure that by that time we haven't spoken for a long time, and I have a reason to reach out that we have spoken of previously and I know (unless he's not found someone to begin R with until then and decide to bring over there, I think highly unlikely but then again what do I know) that he will be feeling a little bit lonely whilst there and probably willing to chat a little. What do you think?

However, I do agree that going dim/dark can help you start to heal which is imperative.

This is the part I'm a bit confused about. Because I thought that going dark is for me to heal and get time to breath and for him to start missing me. But the more I read previously, it seemed like it was mostly for me.. So is that to say this NC isn't really working?

Please know I'm not saying give up. I'm just saying to shift the focus on to you. It's like the WAS (or even someone you've been in R with that ended under different circumstances) senses you want them, and when you truly let go and give it up to G-d/universe or whatever you believe, then they may start to initiate contact.

That is what I'm hoping for will happen. I know I will have a very hard time to let go/detach but I also know I need to find something that makes me feel better. At the moment I'm so far down, it's scaring me.

Graduation was a mess, I held it together but felt so bad so bad and I need to get out of this very bad space I'm in. Hopefully I will feel better and stronger when I contact him, if he doesn't do it first.

What do you think of my plan? Feel free to tell me if you think I've got the wrong end of the stick.

And thanks again for posting!!
Big hug!!!

Hang in there. Sorry for any errors. I rarely proof read my posts:)

[Tulo]

Tulo, Big, Big hugs. Well done for removing him on FB. I did not have the strength to do that. h removed me first.

Hey sweet Smothy!
So glad to see you here!

So happy you think taking him off FB was a good thing because I have been beating myself up like crazy about it. Thinking it was a bad idea. But I know it felt better that I did it first, even though I don't think he would have done it.
But if he had, I would have been devastated.

I know that both you and I are having a hard time letting go, and I so understand that you have hopes for coming back to the UK and what might happen. We connected so good in bed and I so wish he would miss that, and I think he does, but I know I have to stop doing that because first of all it gives him access to me without commitment and I only get hurt when he doesn't want more.

I have repeatedly said to myself, why would I want someone that does not want me.
I have not spoken to H since 9th of April and proud to say no snooping for a month. Small, small steps but it does moves us forward little by little.

This is something I also think about. Why on earth would I want someone that doesn't want me? So strange. Where is my feeling of self worth?

Thanks again dear Smothy. So appreciate to hear from you!!
Big hug!!!

[Tulo]

Just did what I'm not supposed to do.. I snooped and found out that he's been sending a birthday flower arrangement to this woman he brought to the fair last weekend. This was sent on the 12:th of May and the card read "Happy birthday my lovely friend".. This was 3 days after we said it was over and had sex twice. We had sex 2 weeks ago and last week.. Just don't get it..

Why would he have sex with me if he is into her?
Does this have to mean his trying to get with her or can they just be friends? My friend who saw them last weekend said that they didn't look like lovers and I know he's been out dancing with his mates so why would he do that if he's into her?
Doesn't add up..

Anyway, don't think I can take this.. Don't know what to do about it..

[Bob723]

Hi Tulo,

I just caught up with the latest in your sitch. I don't even know where to begin. I can say I can see why you are so confused. Your H's actions make no sense to me.

Tomorrow will be a better day. Try to do something to take your mind of these troubles, even if it's only for an hour or so.

You are in my thoughts and prayers!

*Hugs*

Bob

[Zues126]

Sorry this is so hard Tulo. Sending you strength.

What would you do if a guy you dated and broke up with 6 years ago started having sex with another woman and went out dancing?

If you answered shrug your shoulders because it's not your concern anymore and he doesn't really have a place in your emotional life, then you're spot on.

Not saying you can get there overnight...but that perspective should be a beacon towards where you want to be from a detachment standpoint.

No, none of this makes sense. He's lost. He doesn't know himself what's going on. I'm sure when you two ML it was because he had both attraction and some feelings for you. That doesn't mean he's going to R, or going to break it off with OW, or anything. People that are addicted to heroin have moments where they are affectionate too, doesn't mean you want to enable them or continue in a co-dependent relationship with them.

I really hope this experience is the wake up call you need to really detach. Sometimes watching new LBS's is like watching someone in an abusive relationship making excuses for their WAS, thinking that if they are forgiving and trusting their WAS will suddenly become trustworthy and appreciative for more chances, or trying all sorts of things to control their partner. Let him go on his journey. You go on yours.

Remember- if you aren't strong enough to let go of your grip on WAH, how can you expect him to be strong enough to let go of his grip on OW? Live your life with the kind of character you wish he had.