Will do. Thanks to 25years for the lashing I need and Job for the sound advice!
I just had a rough couple of days and I understand why and will figure out a way around it next time it happens instead of almost melt down!
However, At the rate you're going, I"m afraid he won't see enough change in you that he can believe the marriage would be better/different than before.
25years I know I what you are saying. I do think I have done much better about asking R questions and I do not communicate or question him unless he initiates and even then I never ask questions about what he is doing or going etc which is a big change for me. I come here to post my thoughts and questions and to show my weakness when I am feeling it that way he doesn't see it.!!
I hope I am making good changes for myself especially in the self esteem category which effects me directly. Last couple of days I lost some but I am back on top today! So Thanks for the reminder!
I am doing much better. Took my s out last night for ice cream and a little retail therapy. He has had a rough time with his dad being so inconsistent in contacting him and spending time with him. After three days H text him on ipad and my S wouldn't even answer and started crying and said he hates dad and dad is a liar.
I am not going to cover for H but I do tell S that his dad loves him but is working through some problems of his own that isn't S's fault or mine and we can't fix it.
Got text from H he is picking up S. So my job is to remain distant and fake it until I make it that I am A ok. Wish me luck I seem to fall apart or look for something or expectation from him when I see him and I don't even no what so not this time.
You can do this...but if he wants to talk, then listen to what he has to say. You don't have to be the same room w/him or do things w/him unless you want to and can keep your expectations very, very low.
Be sure to thank him for picking up your S.
Good luck! You will be just fine if you can remember to stay detached. If he does something to bait you, excuse yourself and find something to keep you busy or change the subject. Don't get into a heated conversation over talks about the relationship.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
When you have that urge to contact your h, think of him as being a very hot stove and that you will get burned badly if you touch it.
Amen!
Sky, please know we have been where you are. It sukks. I'm only telling you what worked for me AND what set me back, and what I've seen around here.
Keep at it b/c does get easier and better. Truly.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I am doing much better. Took my s out last night for ice cream and a little retail therapy. He has had a rough time with his dad being so inconsistent in contacting him and spending time with him. After three days H text him on ipad and my S wouldn't even answer and started crying and said he hates dad and dad is a liar. I am not going to cover for H but I do tell S that his dad loves him but is working through some problems of his own that isn't S's fault or mine and we can't fix it.
Really hard to watch this.
((( ouch )))
I hear you. If your son asks the divorce question, you can say "I hope not, b/c I've loved your dad a long time...(
AND OR 'we are working hard on our marriage b/c we both love you so much"
This helps reassure your son, while also being authentic for you.
If it's NOT authentic for you, by all means, say something else reassuring to your son.
I ache for you but I have faith that in the end you will be a better more loving woman for this...
and THAT IS within your control. Ain't that a great thing!?!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Got text from H he is picking up S. So my job is to remain distant and fake it until I make it that I am A ok. Wish me luck I seem to fall apart or look for something or expectation from him when I see him and I don't even no what so not this time.
THIS TIME you can make it and then, face the next time and onward.
Applaud loudly for the 1% of positives he does
show H no anger
Be upbeat and FUN to be around, with a bit of Mystery thrown in
Reassure your son lovingly
End conversations with h, first
Be in a bit of a rush b/c you are on your way out to
"DO a Fun thing, and or
Visit a fascinating new place and or
meeting up with Interesting people and you are JUST SO CONTENT now that you have been working on yourself.
In fact, you are GRATEFUL for the wake up call b/c you feel more alive than you have in years.
If this ^^ is not yet you, maybe you can AIM for it... It's a PLAN...yes?
make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I am new to your situation and I am sorry you have to be here. But you have come to the right place for support and advice.
"25" is one of the best vets on this forum. Her last few posts have been "sterling." (Most always are!)
I wish you well and will dedicate a prayer to you right after this post.
Good luck.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
25years, Job Bob. Thank you so much for the thoughtful words and advice. I am doing much better. My therapist gave me a book to read, Codependent No More. It has brought to light a lot of things for me and has told me I do not need to be this way and what you guys have told me above is spot on because this books says the same thing.
It says you can detach and still be nice and accepting of the person or thing but don't get caught up in THEIR problems and make them yours, it is not yours to control, help, worry about the only focus is on myself. I am not quite half way through the book, can't wait to read more.
With the book and you guys having my back I think I am going to make it finally! With or without H.
The book your therapist gave you is an excellent book. Yes, it's true, you can detach and yet still be nice and accepting of the person...you just don't get whisked up into their drama and make them your own. You allow them to take care of their side of the street and you take care of yours.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
