RosaLinda, wow quiet the story but I love reading it. You are amazingly strong & know what's best for you !!
My H lives at the lake in our brand new camping trailer with our brand new boat because I got the house. He was telling me that he was not going to be around for the weekend in case I was leaving too for the weekend in case our girls had an emergency but they are old enough now that I don't think that I need to know his whereabouts? As far as OW, he says that they all are just friends ( female friends)LOL
He usually does tell me when he comes over to the house & I will certainly work on anwsering him with ok or nothing from now on especially after I read Matt777 3 questions.
My H texted me while at work to see if I was going home after work cause he got his debit card fixed & he wanted to pay some of the $ he owed me (which I should'nt never gave in the first place), so I told him I wasn't sure yet cause I usually go for a mental drive or I go read somewhere quiet after work but when I got out of the hospital where I work he was there waiting for me. It was a complicated conversation of almost one hours besides the road. We got tooooo much in details of tooooo many thing AGAIN.
I did get the $ & he cried when we talked about our girls being different and quiet with him.....he didn't like that & he didn't understand why.....
After that I went for my drive and I cried and cried and cried because I told him that I was releasing the boat & the camper to him because I didn't feel like it was ours anymore and that made him sorta happy because now he can bring his female friends fishing & camping....
I cried because I knew he was going to bring them there even if I didn't tell him it was fine but I hurt me really bad to let my 2 favorite things we did together go
I got home maybe an hour later and he texted me again that he was coming because he wanted to set me up with my fishing rod so I can go fishing with some family this summer.
Our girs were happy to see him I think but I was still so hurt for everything he was making me go through that there was very long silence in the conversation, he sat there looking down and he was not saying anything, I had to make conversations about the weather so he could at least finish my fishing rod. I asked him why he was doing that because I could of figured it out or ask the family to do it,,,,,he kept saying I don't mind...(not really an anwswe)
I wish I could know exactly what to do and say EVERYTIME we talk & text....I'm just horrible at this
You're not horrible at this Cindy, you're doing the best you can in literally the hardest situation that exists. These are impossible situations to do everything right in. Impossible.
Just be kind to yourself, take care of your kids, and keep doing your best.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I/we are going to be out, but you can put the money in an envelope (the atm deposit ones will work), and stick it X. Thanks!
Sorry you are struggling. On the plan B thing, my read is more of a mixed feelings/attached because of the years thing. Pleasant, but not too available. Moving on w/ my life w/ or wo/ you is where you want to be (ultimately not just a strategy, but the way you feel).
On the things reminding you issue, sounds like it is time to expand your horizons. You're long overdue to buy a cookbook to make dishes from traditions you haven't explored. Take a class in X that you always thought was interesting but seemed so un-you. You need to develop that independent life you never really got to develop because of your long marriage. That will make you stronger and happier no matter what, and a damned lot more attractive than staging the time he comes over with a new outfit and a bit of make up. He can get that from anyone (to be blunt). What exciting new things will make the new, happier you more attractive? And not just to him, but facing reality, to someone new, and even more important, to yourself.
Obsessing over how to handle your interactions (and we all do it & it is really natural, so not a criticism), whether by text or in person just aren't going to cut it. Imagine yourself divorced. What will make you happy? What person will you project to attract a new relationship? That's sexy and aluring, not being spouse 2.0.
And I agree on the boundaries. Set them and stick to them. He walked out. He needs to ask permission to stop by, and you should do the same. And, Matt's advice on not responding to every text is spot on. Even if it is something you should respond to, you certainly don't need to respond soon to many of them. You are busy, moving on, have a life. It's not just the words that send messages.
Good luck, and more time focused on your future life regardless!
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
He is not the man you married. He is not the man who vowed to spend the rest of your life with you. Figure out what you want in an H, then leave the door open for him to show that he is willing to work toward that. He'll have to rebuild the trust, show that he is working on his issues, and quite frankly that he is somebody woth you. When you see him this way, and focus on where you want the limited years of your life to go, that you will get out of chasing after him to provide your happiness, be a better & more interesting partner, and be able to think (remember the title of your thread).
In the meantime, lean gently in to mourning the old marriage. It is something we all must go through, and it [censored]. You can't build a new healthier marriage w/ H or anyone else until you've let go of the dead marriage. It doesn't happen all at once. You mourn, think you are done, then realize it at a whole new level and have to mourne that loss. It will be sad and hard, but you need to honor that and give yourself permission to set your R on the side burner while you do so. Don't rush it. There is time, or there is not (i.e., if it can be saved, it isn't going to be quick).
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
asitis, I wish I would be stronger longer some days, my head is all over the place and I stuggle to do what I should really do, I wish I could move up time.
asitis, I wish I would be stronger longer some days, my head is all over the place and I stuggle to do what I should really do, I wish I could move up time.
Cindy - I felt like that for a while too. But it isn't that you want to move up time, it's that you want to know what will happen! The anxiety, the fear, it's all from wanting to know how this will all turn out.
The thing is that you can't possibly know how it will end. Accept the unknown!
Instead, USE this time. Become the woman you want to be. When else in your life will you have the time to really focus on YOU??
I get that each day is a struggle. Start making to-do lists. Make the items simple if you need to: get out of bed, eat breakfast, etc.
