First post. Desperate for advice.

[Last]

Well, they don't get more wayward than when they are having A's with more than one guy at the same time. This is more than a bad "habit" she has developed. By you telling her she could continue to chat with these men, you might as well as said she could have cyber sex with them, b/c that's what is going on. That is why she needs her privacy!

You cannot let this just slide by, avoiding conflict and waiting until she decides to come around. If it continues, it will get worse. Eventually, she will start meeting them in person b/c most of them are looking for a f--k buddy and will press to see her.

She is getting her cuddling time from you, on demand, while she gets her sexual stimulation from strangers. Don't you see something wrong with this picture? You may call it stubbornness, but it is a power play on her end. I don't think it is you being stubborn as much as maybe something, but I will hold back from saying at the moment.

She does have all the power b/c she has taken it like taking candy from a baby. She gives you all that BS and she gets to do whatever she wants. What are you doing while she's having cyber sex? And did I understand you right about having sex with her? One place you said it had stopped, but another place talked as if it had started up again.

Matt is right, you need to focus on basic DBing principals at the present time. If you have a tendency to mix part truth with part something else, you may get some of the advice confused, as well. I suggest you not jump into something too deep without getting the basics. There is a lot of reading you need to do, starting with Cadet's homework assignment.

You can't grasp all of this over night. It's a lot to digest.

Since I wrote that, things have changed. They are changing very rapidly. We are in separate rooms. No more cuddling or sex.

Safe to say, I have NOT been DBing up to this point.

She is very upset over the lengths that I went to in order to expose her conduct (I got pretty aggressive). She is angry that I involved members of her immediate family in an attempt to get through to her. She was aghast that I shared the details of her betrayal with these people. She calls all of this "controlling" and refuses to be controlled.

This was controlling. I could not let go, could not detach. Instead I went nuts and thought that her family would somehow break through to her. I wanted her to stop the online chat and endeavored to "make" her stop by having her family pressure her.

She has fought back very hard and has carved out a position opposite me as "also-betrayed-spouse". Because during my seeking of facts I felt free to lie to get to the information. "Yes, I made a terrible mistake, but look what YOU have done".

During this time she has made concessions regarding the conduct she refused to give up. Not 100%, but more transparency. She knows it was wrong.

However, now we are in a state where through scorched earth tactics our marriage is basically dissolved. Neither of us is ready to file, but we are both in a great deal of pain.


So......The DR book showed up yesterday. I'm gonna read it. I am going to re-read the rules. How do I pick up here and begin the process after doing pretty much everything wrong?