Wayward Wife & LRT (6)

[Georgia Bulldogs]

You want to read something that really conflicts with some of the advice you and the other guys have received here from all of us?

I've argued a couple times here on the forums about pursuing a wayward wife...well, because she's your wife and I've gotten pushback on the forum from some vets saying what I was suggesting the betrayed husband do was making him the gay friend or I was "friend zoning" the guy. I didn't push too hard because, hey, it's the board culture that has developed on it's own over many years, who am I too disagree? But I came across this "Free Advice" link out on the main website written by Michelle Weiner Davis and it just struck me as being so different than the some of the common wisdom on the forum.

I AM NOT posting it to say this is what I think you should do. I think YOU should figure out how YOU want to play this situation out and do what suits your unique personality, situation and tolerances. I'm also not saying this always MWD's advice, because it's just a letter she liked and posted and some of her other writing/advice are probably more in line with what you have been doing versus what this guy in the letter did. Finally, I kind of did more like the guy in the letter myself though OM lived across the country. I couldn't have done it if my wife was doing anything more than talking and texting with the guy at the time. I didn't avoid her. In fact, I stuck to her as much as I could. I certainly "detached" but I detached mentally, not physically, because I saw how crazy she was thinking and behaving and I just wanted to TRY to save her. If we had actually divorced I feared my wife might someday end up taking her own life. I kind of liked the idea of my children always having their mother and a normal (non wayward thinking mother) would be a nice bonus. At the time, like all of you guys, I didn't think anything I did or said was making any difference whatsoever. I thought my marriage was over...until it wasn't.

The way I see it I think your wife is probably done with OM. Her obvious turn towards you (actions) is indicative of that. Doesn't mean it won't start up again...because they still see each other regularly at work and she could be off in wayward land tomorrow. That being said, I think you've made your point with ignoring her calls and ACTING really detached. It's not making you any more attractive than you already are since she's already batting her eyelashes at you. Now COULD BE swooping in time where a confident man will go in and say what he means and say what he wants without fear of rejection. I want to emphasize -- WITHOUT FEAR OF REJECTION. THAT is detachment. If you can be her friend AND husband....point out what's good for her as her friend, how you feel, what you expect (boundaries), what you want (with "I" statements) there might not be any reason you can't turn this around VERY quickly. "Quickly" is often how these things happen...once the wife's realizes she kinda loves you....and women only love one man at a time...it usually leads to hysterical bonding followed by some painful recovery steps (some distancing pursuing dances as you negotiate recovery). She might need more time to actually "kinda love" you but she's interested...but the same goes for your "forgiveness". You might be ready to "kinda forgive" but genuine forgiveness takes a whole lot longer in these situations. Together you figure these things out and develop a new way of partnering at the same time.

She may not be ready for it. She may reject you. It will/would hurt if that happens. You may start recovery and then, before she quits that job, the affair restarts and it'll absolutely kill you to see her go 100% wayward again. There are no guarantees either way. But being authentic, direct and loving is the best way I know how to spark the recovery kindling.

Here's what MWD has posted on the main website:

WHILE YOUR WIFE DECIDES

By Michele Weiner-Davis

Perhaps you are someone whose spouse is in the midst of an affair and it is making you crazy. You feel like giving up on your marriage. Worse yet, you feel like being hurtful. Don't do anything you will regret in the long run. You came to this website because you want to save your marriage. Remember that. You need to stay focused on your goal, even if it's hard. On rough days, refer to what David, a Divorce Busting® family member, taught us about how he won back his wife. He now lives ecstatically ever after.

Michele-

I decided, early in my separation, that my wife was my best friend....ever. I resolved to NEVER allow the separation to hinder my friendship with her. I acted, from the very beginning, as a friend. I helped her move out by moving all of her stuff downstairs to help her to save money with the moving people. I loaned her money to help her get her new place. More than anything, I stuck by her when her parents were in the hospital (during March, as you remembered) and supported her space, as a single woman (her stupid boyfriend actually got jealous about her spending so much time with her sick parents). I tried very hard to not allow my pain, over her choice to leave me, to be reflected in my face, mannerisms or with respect to how I treated her. I gave her space and respected her choice to enter into a relationship with someone else. I never said anything bad about her boyfriend and was always there when he couldn’t or wouldn’t be there. We did have one big argument, but even the bad feelings associated with that argument went away. I attribute this to our friendship. Whenever anyone asks me how to act after they have been left by their partner, I have one answer...act like a friend. Perhaps all that will survive is friendship, but by preserving a friendship, you always leave the door open to something more. My wife's boyfriend began getting jealous towards the end of their relationship. He forbid her to see me (which, of course, didn't go over well at all with her). This guy was the one carrying on a romance with my wife, but he was jealous of our friendship. True, unconditional friendship is very powerful. I believe, if more people just concentrated on saving the friendship, in the true manner of a friend (along with making changes in themselves), most would have their lovers back in their arms so soon it would make them dizzy.

I still wonder about this...but I think my wife and I sort of made excuses to see each other under the guise of "family and business" matters. I think my wife really just wanted to have me near her as someone who wouldn’t pressure her into a "date" or sex or anything of that nature. Just someone to be nice to her, accept her and talk to her with no pressure. The way I figured, is that we had experienced the dating, sex and marriage relationship things. I sort of developed an attitude of "been there, done that". I challenged myself to be her truest and most devoted friend. The more I challenged myself and lived up to the challenge, the more inner power I gained.

Friendship........empathy, being there without criticism, being non-judgmental.....this is unconditional friendship.

Believe me, the decision to be a friend, against all odds, proved to be a major challenge. There were times when I truly thought of giving up, especially when the boyfriend arrived. Usually, I would come to this site and vent and request support and information. Michele, and the "family" here, never let me down.

2009 Copyright - Michele Weiner-Davis. All rights reserved.
[url=http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_while_spouse_decides.htm][/url]