OK, so long story short, the cats out of the bag. I have been away clearing my head and trying to think what to do. W was confronted about the physical A and cheating 4 days ago. Sorry for the lack of updates since then. I did not want to do this yet per the advice here, but it was eating me alive, and she actually dropped a bomb that initiated it and i felt forced (not what i wanted) but i took what you said here and tried to apply it on a whim. One of my close friends told there Win guessing which made it back to W earlier that day, so after a non-eventful night together, she went to go upstairs like normal, pauses and goes "oh by the way, id appreciate it if you didn't talk to anyone about us and say that im cheating on you" and walked upstairs. In my head i went "WTFFFFFF", but i knew there was no way i was letting her drop a bomb like that and just walk upstairs with no explanation or anything, so i gather my thought for a couple mins and followed her upstairs where i had the confrontation...
First, let me say i never got her to admit she slept with OM, but with the evidence, the conversations/emails/her actions, as much as she tried to explain them away, it did not make senses in any other setting so i guess she will never fully admit to sleeping with OM since i gave her ample opportunity to come clean. Plus after the initial conflict because i was not going to back off, she changed her story (added) which means shes clearly withholding the whole story and ill just have to live with that, her body position and actions said it all...
It was about a 30min conversation, when i realized she was so pissed/scared or something i was no longer in a discussion (she shut down), i let her shower, and then continued the conversation for another 30mins after, and 10 mins the next morning to ensure she knew i was serious and this was it.
The conversation: I listened Sandi and i stayed calm and collected, i did not yell and i held myself together. If anything i think i showed a obviously some anger of her doing this to me, but concern/betrayal. When W described making out with OM and him reaching up and feeling her, i started to break down but i took a breath and stayed strong per your advice. Her is the gist of key points:
Starting of Convo; I stayed very calm and spoke slow the whole time which i tried very hard to not break from... Me: Did you cheat on me W: No (direct eye contact displaying fear or shock) Me: Did you cheat on me since we have been married? W: No, i didnt cheat on you Me: babe, i have seen conversations, and pictures and the recent trips you have left make know sense. W: i didnt cheat on you W: so you were snooping and went through my phone again? (mad) Me: that doesn't matter and NO. i wasn't 'snooping' as you say, i am fighting for my marriage. You wont tell me and i want to know what is wrong. Your storied and actions make no sense. There is obviously a huge issue, and based on Your actions and guarding of you phone or convo's, plus lack of kissing/touching me, i know there is an OM. Dont insult my intelligence. Me: So, has OM sent inappropriate pictures? W: No Me: So again, has OM sent you multiple pictures of himself in a towel and sexual poses barely covering himself with a white towel from OMs bathroom(i repeated) W: long pause (realizing i knew i think since i described it). Then softly looking down "yes" (showing she lied/was caught) Me: has he sent you nude of himself W: yes... me: Have you sent nudes of yourself W: yes (had to take a breath here to come down and not start crying to myself and continue, this hurt, but i knew already...) Me: Do you think that appropriate for you to do? For him to do? Why did you do that or let him, how do you think that makes me feel? W: i dont know, he is my friend and single and in a tough place. me: i dont care about him, you are married, and that is not ok and unacceptable to for you to do. You are not single and i cant believe you would do this W: Black stare Me: so know that you told me that, did you cheat on me with OM? W: no i didn't Me: what about the night last month you went to his apartment and then you texted it was the best night of you life, the most exciting thing you have ever done. OM said only two people good in bed who share a connection can connect like that, followed by you agreeing and laughing. The pictures of him with a hickey on his neck and scrapes on his back? W: blank stare again, then... we kissed. Me: really? thats it? im asking you to get it out now so i can see if i want to work past this W: we kissed, and he reach under my shirt and felt around M: So again, did you have sex with OM? W: No Me: what about the convo the next day between you and the PF and when your stomach hurt (true due to period), and she made a comment its probably from being pounded last night and your period. The you said "perhaps" and both laughed about it W: she was just joking Me: do you think im stupid? nobody jokes randomly like that unless there is prior context mentioned which i know she knew about because she wouldn't answer me when i asked. W: blank stare followed by, im done, im showering, leave now.
then the second part which was shorter: after talking about how hurt i was and what this was doing to me, and how i wont be disrespected and i am not willing to be in an open marriage. Me: do you want to work on this marriage W: i dont know Me: what do i need to do to help you recommit? i will not be a plan B, i have already stated i want to work on this M and i know we can still work on things, but i need you to let me know if your still willing because i cant do this on my own anymore. Stop running away and talk to me... W: I dont know Me: again, im asking do you want to be married to me, and are you willing to try and work on things? W: im still here Me: i dont know what that means? you have said that before, please tell me what that means... W: im still here, if i didn't want to be, i would have left Me: if you want to work on things, i need you to end it with OM. W: im not sure if i can Me: that was a choice you made and if he is your 'friend' of 15 years as you say, he will understand, if not, then he is not your friend. As your husband, i am telling you to end it now. W: Ok (kinda of mad) Me: He knew you were married and took advantage, you should have stopped it and didn't, now its up to you to end it. so Im telling you, its over now, because i know and have even seen you talking to PF that he is the biggest reason we are still having issues and you dont want to work on things. So, end it, because we are married and we need to focus on us to repair things. If you cant do that, then tell me right now because im done being in limbo, watching my wife talk to another man the way you do, and getting crushed every time you leave. I will not continue to feel like that and nobody deserves that... W: Ok, i will (most likely lying but whatever)
So anyways... thats the gist of the conversation. The next day she basically said nothing to me and was gone until later at night avoiding the house (worked late and then went 'shopping'). She then came and removed her computer and hard drives from the house so she must have figured out thats where i got all the pictures/convos from. So im in the dark if she ended it or not which im sure she most likely has not, and now just become much better at hiding it. She does not go on her phone like she did while at the house no, especially near me... so maybe this is a good thing and she did wake up? but im leery and not buying it yet. She also changed he passwords so i cant go in her email. This is basically the opposite of being transparent which i also discussed she was going to have to be if she wanted me to stay and be able to trust her again...
last night was ok, we did dinner and a movie and actually laughed a little togather, but it was basicall ymore of the same. Its all just a routine to her. Nothing intimate. SO my question, is should i trust her? im guessing no. Should i follow up the conversation somehow in a week? What is the next step? should i continue to DB and GAL? Helps, im not sure what to do right now...?
So did accept plans to go tour boat 2 weeks from now with her mother and me, and a wedding for the two of us in 2 months so im guessing that means she isn't leaving yet? But obviously that is far from saying she is turning around...? i get that, im not fooling myself here, i dont think anything have changed yet as much as i want to believe she has ended it...
