I agree, went to the beach today also and it took my mind off things. I've always loved the water too. Didn't go to the ocean, but Michigan has some good lakes
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
I fear I must have overstepped. I'm sorry. I won't harp on this anymore.
Your beach day sounds like a lovely time. I wish for you many more such happy memories.
M: 16y 3 adult kids, 2 young kids H filed D May/15, no svc yet Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends? ~ Abe Lincoln WAKE UP. WORK HARD. FORGIVE. REPEAT.
Another lovely day to fill with my little ones. #1. Putt Putt #2. Bike Path #3. Ice Cream #4 Lunch out
That sounds pretty good right? It does to me too.
Question - I have told me kids they are welcome to talk to W any time they want. They know how to dial her phone number or if not I will dial it for them. 99% of the time they don't express any interest to call her.
When they are with me, W calls around 7:30 and will stay on the phone as long as possible - 30 minutes last night. I feel that 10 minutes is apropriate - correct? My though is to have a timer and when she calls start the timer. When the timer goes off - phone call has to wind down. We have bedtime to get ready for.
When I call kids when it's her week, I do not keep them longer than 10 mnutes, for one I know they are trying to get to bed and it's also emotionally painful for me.
So, I talked to the kids about it and they agree that it is fair that for both of us 10 minutes phone call time is fair. So, we will do that starting tonight.
Do any other parents put a time limit on phone calls? Is it worth it or counter productive?
It seems that my w thrives on chaos and drama. I prefer quiet simplicity. I am not a drama queen. Just slow steady progress towards healing and serenity.
Heavy- This is just me. No-I do not put a time limit on the phone calls (but in my case they are infrequent and not at bedtime due to STBX's work schedule). If he did call at bedtime - I would have no problem cutting it short when it was time to get ready for bed.
You bring up the issue with the phone calls frequently in your thread - and it's clear it bothers you. Look - this is a bit tricky. On the one hand - you want the kids to feel like they have some input. On the other hand - as with all things D related, you don't want the kids to feel in the middle. Talking to them about it and having them agree that its "fair" seems like it is flirting with that line a bit. They are 9 and 6 - do you think they will really be confident enough to disagree with you (and they might be - I know I worry with D7 that she is always trying to please me and tell me what she thinks I want to hear).
So...it's totally reasonable to not let phone calls interfere with bed time. I'm not so sold on a strict ten minute time limit. And...I would remove any concerns about what's "fair" - just look at what your kids need (and you never know, that might be more time on the phone with you as well).
Hmmm...good points about the "fairness" issue. They are the one that talk about "fair" a lot and I was trying to talk about it on their level.
My STBX also hammers the point home that I am not "fair" becuase I don't ask the kids what they want, don't let them provide any input. For example, I signed up kids for scouting, (STBX: You didn't ask the kids and they don't wan't to do Scouts, Soccer, Summer Camp option A, B or C). "You call all the shots!" is what I hear over and over and over.
But I am the parent, and I will be confident about how long is appropriate at or near bedtime. I do not want the kids to be feel pressured or in the middle. You are right about that.
Here is the deal though, when I call I don't drag it out....when she calls at bed time she drags it way out.....I looooovvvvveeee you, I miissss you sooooo much. Only 7 more days until we see each other again, you hang up first, no I will hang up first, back and forth, kind of teen age antics. This will go on and on and last night it was about 30 minutes with my S9. I do not hover over the phone and give them as much privacy as I can but come on!
It is irritating and I feel taken advantage of yet again. I must learn to be more confident about my decisions and tune her our and her drama.
I will be so glad when all of this settles down, if it ever does. I am sure it will but how long that will be remains to be seen.
I sincerely dont want to be an a$$ about it but I also don't want my kids upset at bedtime and their bedtime routine disrupted. It is indeed a fine line.
My STBX also hammers the point home that I am not "fair" becuase I don't ask the kids what they want, don't let them provide any input. For example, I signed up kids for scouting, (STBX: You didn't ask the kids and they don't wan't to do Scouts, Soccer, Summer Camp option A, B or C). "You call all the shots!" is what I hear over and over and over.
But I am the parent, and I will be confident about how long is appropriate at or near bedtime.
So you have boundaries with your kids - GOOD
I think insisting they do extra stuff like scouts is a GOOD thing. Having a good MALE role model is something all kids should have, so in your particular case I think it is even more important to pursue that with the kids. No matter what your relationship is with their other mother.
Hmmm...good points about the "fairness" issue. They are the one that talk about "fair" a lot and I was trying to talk about it on their level.
My STBX also hammers the point home that I am not "fair" becuase I don't ask the kids what they want, don't let them provide any input. For example, I signed up kids for scouting, (STBX: You didn't ask the kids and they don't wan't to do Scouts, Soccer, Summer Camp option A, B or C). "You call all the shots!" is what I hear over and over and over.
Don't let her spin on things affect how you communicate with your kids. Just because she says things are not fair or that "you call the shots" it doesn't mean that it is true and that you need to adjust how you talk to your kids (although you should always ask yourself honestly if she has a point- if she doesn't - then carry on).
