So sad that I can't even think !!

[asitis]

He is not the man you married. He is not the man who vowed to spend the rest of your life with you. Figure out what you want in an H, then leave the door open for him to show that he is willing to work toward that. He'll have to rebuild the trust, show that he is working on his issues, and quite frankly that he is somebody woth you. When you see him this way, and focus on where you want the limited years of your life to go, that you will get out of chasing after him to provide your happiness, be a better & more interesting partner, and be able to think (remember the title of your thread).

In the meantime, lean gently in to mourning the old marriage. It is something we all must go through, and it [censored]. You can't build a new healthier marriage w/ H or anyone else until you've let go of the dead marriage. It doesn't happen all at once. You mourn, think you are done, then realize it at a whole new level and have to mourne that loss. It will be sad and hard, but you need to honor that and give yourself permission to set your R on the side burner while you do so. Don't rush it. There is time, or there is not (i.e., if it can be saved, it isn't going to be quick).