That lady singing - is she fat?

[Pyrite]

The friends I am visiting (20+ old friends) are the best company I couldv’e wished for. Massively (almost insanely) relaxed lifestyle. On the beach with the kids, cool Grandma lives in adjoining unit – so always minimum 3 adults around. Mature, intelectual, enlightened, challenging, supportive, conversation. Even when it is not about my situation! I really am, incredibly lucky. It is a shame they are a plane ride away. This has been the best week in memory.

If I was to burden you with a detailed description of everything that has passed, I’m sure you would be amazed and envious. My friends W, who is my friend of 20 years as well, has spent her life around mental illness, she also worked in a mental health call center, and although not a trained psychologist - she could be. She has been a wealth of support and knowledge.

Our ongoing joke is the 2 Rs I have my eyes set on for the future. And whilst this is a bit of a joke between us it is an incredibly exciting prospect. And it is something I could not have imagined last week for example. And it is real. I can’t be bothered pretending or avoiding that this week has been anything less than one big bender. This is the most efficient way to set this scene for this demonstration.

There have been several moments where this has occurred – “somebody spoke and I went into a dream” (for Beatles fans). For example, my friend was talking about taking his boss out for lunch to discuss a semi-personal ambition blah blah blah. Anyway, I went off on a tangent and was imagining one of these potential Rs, taking her out to lunch etc. And I was fully there. When my mate had finished talking, I had to ask him to repeat, and explained the tangent I went off on.

My point is, that whilst this might be viewed or dismissed as a pot fuelled hallucination, the important thing is that whatever the source of medication was, the result was where I want to be. Not necessarily or limited to day-dreaming about dating, or limited to such obvious and perhaps grossly over bearing forms of medication. My earlier medication example involved simply imagining a better scenario. The point is the result, and once this result has been achieved, even once, it can be invoked by any other means.

Also of extreme significance to me is that I drifted off into this daydream of other woman almost sub-consciously. The point is that this “good stuff” is in my mind. I am capable, it is there and within grasp, just it is buried beneath grief, 12 years with W etc.

My friend pointed out that this is the point in writing about how you feel as a technique to get through this. Everytime you tell the story again, or an addition to the story, and re-read it, or re-experience it through another’s story it becomes increasingly more familiar as a story, as a set of circumstances, rather than an overwhelming emotional cage. And that has been exactly what my writing letters (10% actually sent) has been about AND absolutely participating on these boards.

So, again – thank-you to all my friends here. You have all helped save my life.

[Zues126]

Thanks for the update. I understand the role that those type experiences can have in healing. I haven't visited those places for a few years, but sometimes I think it's because I did a few things that have left me permanently there. Anyway, sounds like you had a great trip (and a good vacation )

One caution- fantasizing about future R's can be dangerous. I have been reading Dr. Joy Browne's "9 fantasies that can ruin your life". The book explains that fantasies truly can be destructive, they are highly ingrained in our society, and then she covers them one at a time. Fun read.

It IS exciting to explore future R's, what we'd look for, and to realize we may have some good times ahead. We just have to balance that with our beliefs and reality. I know I am a bit put off with the "I'm better off without WAS, now I can get my dream partner" talk.

For your sitch, much of that isn't straight DB...but frankly sometimes it takes a number of 'backslides' to really detach. I'm not talking about the letters, although without knowing what all was said I'm not crazy about it (just sending them indicates your craving for emotional intimacy with her). But in general I'm hopeful that you're reaching the point you can stop dancing with her emotionally in any way. But that takes time, and maybe you're getting to the point that's possible. I'll give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind

[Huddy]

Hi Py

Glad you had a good break.

[Tulo]

Hi Py,

I'm also glad you had a great time!

[Smothy]

Great to hear you had a good holiday, Py.

I have read your post several times today. In the last few days, I have really allowed my self to stop being anxious and have no expectations and 'writing/ rehearsing' any script.

I want to think about what you have written some more. Thank you for sharing your update.

[Pyrite]

Thanks for the update. I understand the role that those type experiences can have in healing. I haven't visited those places for a few years, but sometimes I think it's because I did a few things that have left me permanently there.

I thought I knew which places you were talking about, but now I’m not so sure. It can’t be the “fantasy” place – what about the Disney Princess, that was more recent than a few years? Anyway, those "other" places - I will be “eternally there”, but it has been under control now for many years. It only ever happens for 1 night, or in this case several days, and then it is back to the straight and narrow. I know how easily I could slip, but apart from that NOT being my life for the last 10-15 years, I have kids now man. That trumps everything by a landslide.


Anyway, sounds like you had a great trip (and a good vacation )

Great trip


One caution- fantasizing about future R's can be dangerous. I have been reading Dr. Joy Browne's "9 fantasies that can ruin your life". The book explains that fantasies truly can be destructive, they are highly ingrained in our society, and then she covers them one at a time. Fun read.

It IS exciting to explore future R's, what we'd look for, and to realize we may have some good times ahead. We just have to balance that with our beliefs and reality. I know I am a bit put off with the "I'm better off without WAS, now I can get my dream partner" talk.

Not to worry – I have a big flashing signs with sirens wailing to remind me. I am just letting myself go for the moment. I don’t think I will ever adopt that attitude about WAS. In essence, that is what brought me here. I don’t want to be ‘one of those people” – and sadly, they are the majority. Hence recidivism to unhealthy Rs I guess.


For your sitch, much of that isn't straight DB...but frankly sometimes it takes a number of 'backslides' to really detach. I'm not talking about the letters, although without knowing what all was said I'm not crazy about it (just sending them indicates your craving for emotional intimacy with her).

I certainly “was” craving the intimacy. Now I am (mostly) much more detached than this and my letters have attempted to convey that. I think now we are at a point where she is realizing that I am not trying to be emotionally intimate with her. However, it is a very blurred line. In week 3 I called her to talk to someone about how much I was hurting, not with any other motive at hand for calling her specifically, it was only that she was my closest most intimate friend. And so it is hard to steer away from that even now.

This week though has seen amazing progress in that respect, getting my groove on as a single dad.


But in general I'm hopeful that you're reaching the point you can stop dancing with her emotionally in any way. But that takes time, and maybe you're getting to the point that's possible. I'll give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind


Thanks Z. ^^. I think I am getting there.

[Pyrite]

Hi Py

Glad you had a good break.

still here mate. fly back tomorrow . back to my week with the girls. hope you are doing alright. haven't had a chance to catch up with anyone yet.

[Pyrite]

Hi Py,

I'm also glad you had a great time!

Thanks Tulo. Hope you are doing well

[Pyrite]

Thanks Smothy,

I am still a bit behind on the posting, and way behind on the reading, but I'm going over to your place to check out how you are going with the looming big date anxiety.

[Zues126]

I think not sending her letters would convey the message that you are detached more than writing it to her...but maybe you're so detached you don't care what message she's getting

Yeah, I don't sweat a few breaks from reality. I think there are many benefits to it but I don't want to start a grassroots movement on the DB forums. I know you're ok.

I can't wait for you to get another 6 months out. Man does it get easier. I'm telling you, this last year I've put so much work into cleaning up my act, I feel emotionally big and strong as if I'd been working out every day...with steroids...stuff that would have soul crushed me to the point of being suicidal just 12 months ago now is like "that's tacky she'd treat me that way". What a blessing. I know you're doing better, and I just want more and more peace and joy in your world. Good job Py.

Only tip is not to stop. Keep digging. Don't mistake acceptance of a loss with growth. They are two different things. Almost everyone gets over the loss. But really take the time to grow as well.

Remind me again, what are some of your personal growth goals? Let's not let that fall off the radar, that's the name of the game!