Wet .... Read this and thought about it... Posting via phone so bear with
With MLC it's tough to know, maybe your W is playing you just to get you to spin... Testing maybe
But I thought... Maybe she tells you the truth because it hurts, seems they like that in a sick way, and maybe she is telling D17 "oh he is just a friend" because if she is the "closest" then I would imagine W fears judgement from her above all others
Either way... All mind reading and guess work right?
And again why are you worrying about it? It is whatever it is. She isn't working on the marriage and that is where your thoughts of it should stop.
You still keep looking for glimmers of hope here and there. While I get that, all it does, is keep you stuck. Tom, I get how hard it is, but no one is going to get you through this but you. I have been here eight years and the script is nearly the same. People do get through this, very few reconcile their marriages, I try to help people get through the painful part faster, but honestly, most linger in the pain for some reason. It takes everyone their own time. Everyone has to do the work on themselves if they want to be healthy and happy in the end. You can do this.
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Wet, I think that's good advice from Cali and Kat. Until or unless your W actively wants to work on the M, does it really matter what the status of R with OM is? Your post reminded me of RD in newcomers. His W has a male 'friend' who she is helping through a difficult time. She maintains to everyone that he is a friend, but has also told RD they share a bed??
But I agree that time spent wondering about this doesn't really help YOU!! And helping you is the best thing you can do just now, and of course the only thing you can control. I was thinking the other day. If I gave my H as much headspace as the room he takes up in the world, that would be a good thing. I'm a way from getting there actually, but I'm travelling in a good direction I think!
Good luck with s13 - I hope you have a good week together!
T xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
... Maybe she tells you the truth because it hurts, seems they like that in a sick way, and maybe she is telling D17 "oh he is just a friend" because if she is the "closest" then I would imagine W fears judgement from her above all others
Either way... All mind reading and guess work right?
Thanks everyone, yes it is likely W is spinning her om to both d17 and myself. om could be a friend, someone special, or a special project she is trying to help? As long as W is staying away from me it just doesn't matter. ----------- It's Friday, so here is today's Lawyer joke.
Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer:
Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser.
When your spouse's divorce lawyers see your lawyer, they high-five each other.
Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie.
As long as W is staying away from me it just doesn't matter
Perhaps an additional way to word that - as long as she doesn't want to work on the marriage/relationship, it is of no consequence.
Try not to get too caught up in the drama of a person trying to find themselves. i.e. don't be the fixer, be the friend if you can. Sometimes a friend just goes through the trials with their friend in quiet support of them getting better (whatever better means in this case).
Love the jokes, Wet!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I like the prison guard part especially! I also think AJ's suggested reframing is good. I think it is helpful to stay focused on the bigger picture. All the bits and pieces don't matter all that much as long as the WAS doesn't want to work on the M. And if we focus on them, that just causes us pain.
It is good to regard some of that stuff as inconsequential, because doing so helps us keep moving forwards. Seeing it as consequential has us looking back over our shoulder to see what the WAS is doing now.
I don't always manage this, but I'm getting better at it!!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
It was a birthday weekend - d18's yesterday, and my birthday today. And W's best gf had her 50th birthday yesterday.
I like that W and I are good about sharing our children on special days. Never an argument. W had d18 in the 1st half of the day, and I had her after 3 pm. We watched a movie together then I took the 3 in-town kids out to dinner.
It was a nice time. One funny thing came up. D19 is now in Boston, and d18 is going to another school in Boston. D20 is now talking about moving out there too. And the kids said that W would move out there too if she does. I think this is all pie in the sky right now, but it is fun to think about.
W called me up today to wish me a happy b-day, which she did not do last year. We had a good light convo, when she brought up om. He finally got out of intensive care yesterday. W shared that om was literally going crazy in icu with many phone calls being made to her. But he's out now. I just listened and let W talk, then ended our convo at the 1st opportunity.
Today was a good relaxing day. I taught s13 how to make me a pancake breakfast. We watched the Twins who started a rookie phenom, and we are watching the NBA finals tonight.
Happy Birthday! Glad to read that you have a nice day.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job. And thanks vge for the Number's 6:24-26 blessing.
Yesterday was the 2 year "anniversary" of when W walked out. I took some time to think about my journey, how I have grown thru this, and how much I've learned. DR and this Board have provided me with a good many tools to help me. Thanks to everyone here.
I dropped s13 off at his baseball practice last night, with W agreeing to pick him up, anmd she will keep him for the week. I texted her to make sure she knew the practice was at a different field.
W texted back saying that she knew and that she was a bit sad b/c she was going to miss the end of 'The Bachelor' tv show, which we used to watch together. I debated with myself, but I did send a response, "yes, it's a good season isn't it?"
W texted back (perhaps an opening to me?) that she missed last week's Bachelor episode. She likely knows that my cable system has all of the past episodes available to watch anytime. I did not respond, though I am thinking perhaps it is time to take a "temperature check" of W. Maybe I will invite her over for some board game playing with the kids next weekend?
