The new normal

[Zues126]

I'll close this thread out soon by this post seems a better finish to a thread than start. Today's thoughts come from a few things: My IC appointment this morning, the book I'm reading (9 fantasies that will destroy your life), and of course many other conversations like this board.

First, I realize that I'm still in perfectionist mode. Even my goals below are all about becoming better, which is fine to a degree...but when I asked my IC whether certain goals were healthy or neurotic, he challenged me to ask "what was MOTIVATING me?"

There are certainly healthy motivators. I enjoy doing things well, I have legitimate reasons to want to provide for my family, it's more fun to be at work when I'm succeeding and receiving positive feedback...but in the middle there is still a thread of "I need to be better to be worthy of love". There is still a lot of fear.

Fear that I can't be ok without a woman.
Fear that I'm not good enough to keep a woman.
Fear that women don't need men anymore.
Fear that my needs are shameful and won't be met.

This adds up to the idea I've expressed that "maybe if I become extra special I can find a woman who isn't strong enough to join the 'I don't need a man and won't put up with your bs' and actually play ball with me"

My IC says that my desires are natural and healthy. That the true needs I crave being met are being validated and honored for who I am (this is the same as what my DB coach says). That my M had a parent/child relationship in which my STBX was authoritarian and extremely and perpetually dismissive of my needs and contributions (note- this isn't blaming her, as I played a huge role in this dynamic, this isn't about her, about how it felt to me and what I can do to improve myself). He says that when I have semi-perverse desires it is primarily because that's how I picture having my base needs met because I haven't experienced an "adult relationship" where we treat each other respectfully. And that since I've viewed a lot of porn to meet my emotional needs it's natural that my brain conjures some of those acts and images in place of what I really want. Like eating food when you're actually stressed.

It's tough, because I can understand that in my head, and I can have faith that my desires will evolve as I learn to meet my own needs better, as I go longer without porn in my life, and as I build confidence in myself...but it doesn't change my feelings now. I can totally relate to a piecing spouse, acting on faith that it will feel differently at some point. Because right now as I challenge my motivations I still see a grain of "If I can become a superman, great shape, big income, husband a fool will leave (all good so far) then I'll find a woman who will meet my needs and I'll be ok (whoa!)".

So what does this mean today? Well, I like the idea of challenging my motivations. This is a good litmus test on whether my desires are healthy or not. He gave me others as well (am I ashamed of them? Are they negatively impacting my life? Are they making positive contributions to those I care about? etc) I'm glad to have good goals. But maybe more importantly than checking off those boxes is accepting my imperfect, struggling, slightly overweight and disorganized self.

Shoot- even the desire to overcome my perfectionism is driven by perfectionism.

Guys, I know it can seem obvious, it's obvious to me too. But it's a real hard journey when you've been driving hard to that tune your entire life. It's like trying to picture what's beyond the universe. I know in my mind there should be a state of mind where I'm ok as is, by myself, without craving a woman validating me to feel good...and at times I get a glimpse, or even visit there for a moment...but then I seem to fall back into my daily grind for perfection and approval.

Oh well, that's where I am. And while I want to keep growing, sometimes I think that accepting where I am is a lot closer to growing than trying to overcome this to be closer to perfect. The good news is I truly am miles closer than I have ever been. I'm acknowledging my feelings, dealing with them in the real world vs. escaping, medicating, or displacing, and more and more those feelings are positive instead of negative. So it's all good. Just wanted to share with the DB fam. Meeting my emotional needs for understanding and all of that...Take care gang!