My exhausting life part 3

[Kembo05]

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It's lose lose right now. She brought the mishap with the dr appointment up and I told her what happened. The convo turned into a longer one and I'm sure I messed up and should have stfu but I couldn't help it (I'm a work in progress, before this I would have yelled and justified and tried to convince her she's irrational). We talked about our relationship some and she kind of brought it up but she said she got to the point where she knew she wasn't going to give me a chance anymore and I asked why I didn't get that chance to show her I could meet her needs and she said she didn't trust me, so I said why didn't I get the opportunity for her to trust me and she said she didn't want to give me that chance. So I left it at that.

She brought up me always being gone and taking my D2 with me and how it's so outside the norm and how it's frustrating I give her the least amount of details as possible. I just told her I wasn't being vindictive and I can see how that's frustrating. She just mentioned it's so outside of the norm for me so she thinks it's me trying to punish her, I told her that wasn't the case I was just doing things I wanted to do and that involved doing things with D2

I know I should have stfu but then I simply said for me I just hate knowing I'll always wonder what if in the future and she said she thinks that's human nature and her counselor said we have to make decisions by the facts that are in front of us (the same counselor that said she could work on our marriage with the OM still involved). I simply said I disagree with that. I told her I want all the facts I can get before I make a decision. I then told her I was moving on like we are done and ultimately we are responsible for only our own decisions and I got up and walked off.

Please tell me I didn't f up too bad. She is DEAD SET on the D, which isn't a surprise to me. She is so wayward it's ridiculous. I know I shouldn't have said all that but hopefully I didn't screw up too bad. She's just so hateful towards me and it's still hard to get spewed on and just take it

[Kembo05]

I almost wish I could move out of the house now just to go completely dark from her but I can't leave because of D2

[Zues126]

Sorry Kembo.

Let me remind you something. The timelines involved are measured in years, not in months.

Somehow people read that and nod their heads up and down, but then they get a civil text from their WAS and think their sitch will be different. I guess it's denial, so we manage through the grief we need to.

But yes. The M is over. She is divorcing you. You will need to suffer this loss fully, grieve, rebuild your life, address your wounds, grow as a person, learn to meet your own needs, and find peace on your own in your new life.

Somewhere way down the road you two may connect in what will feel like another life. But it won't save you from the road in front of you.

You're very new in your sitch and this is very raw. I'm sorry. This is par for the course. Hopefully this is what it takes to let go for real, as opposed to strategically. Good luck.

[Matt777]

I then told her I was moving on like we are done and ultimately we are responsible for only our own decisions and I got up and walked off.

I don't really understand why you would say this. I'm sure the rest of the argument was fairly unproductive, but this seems like a strange thing to say. How is she supposed to take "moving on"? That's like giving her the OK to start dating.

The way I see it, we are all "Moving Forward" with our lives. Our lives don't just STOP because of the issues with the WS. We change, we grow, we meet new people, we have new experiences, we move FORWARD.

Moving on suggests a finality with the current relationship (to me anyway). It implies that you are closing the door, burning the bridge. If that's true, fine. But I don't think that is or was your intention.

Please tell me I didn't f up too bad.

I don't think anyone is going to tell you that this was a positive exchange. But, learn from it, get up, dust yourself off, and do better next time.

She is DEAD SET on the D, which isn't a surprise to me. She is so wayward it's ridiculous. I know I shouldn't have said all that but hopefully I didn't screw up too bad. She's just so hateful towards me and it's still hard to get spewed on and just take it

Yep. All of that.

Running away and going dark isn't the solution though. Just being unavailable won't change her mind.

It's time to really examine yourself and GROW and CHANGE into the man/father/person you WANT to be. For YOU.

Only then will you have a chance.

[Kembo05]

I needed that, thanks Zues and Matt. It is still raw and I was strategically working at it I think. Matt I think I said that to try and show/prove I wasn't pursuing her. The whole time we were talking I was trying to make sure it didn't come across like that. I guess it was to prove a point

The things that hurts the most is she said she didn't ever tell me anything was bothering her because she didn't trust me and I asked why I never got that opportunity and she said she didn't want to give me that chance, which ultimately means she didn't want to give our daughters future that chance. And the DESTROYS me

[Kembo05]

Running away and going dark isn't the solution though. Just being unavailable won't change her mind.

It's time to really examine yourself and GROW and CHANGE into the man/father/person you WANT to be. For YOU.

Only then will you have a chance.

I guess "moving forward" would have been the better way to say it. I just didn't want to look like I was pursuing. Also, I think I have been growing and changing, it's just baby steps at this point. I was stuck in mud early on, at least now I feel like I'm crawling through it

[Matt777]

I said that to try and show/prove I wasn't pursuing her. The whole time we were talking I was trying to make sure it didn't come across like that. I guess it was to prove a point

There's no better way to show your W you're moving ahead with your life than to DO it. Just SAYING you're moving (forward) doesn't mean that you ARE.

The things that hurts the most is she said she didn't ever tell me anything was bothering her because she didn't trust me and I asked why I never got that opportunity and she said she didn't want to give me that chance, which ultimately means she didn't want to give our daughters future that chance. And the DESTROYS me

You're going to be in a lot of trouble if you believe every word that comes out of WW's mouth...

[Zues126]

The things that hurts the most is she said she didn't ever tell me anything was bothering her because she didn't trust me and I asked why I never got that opportunity and she said she didn't want to give me that chance, which ultimately means she didn't want to give our daughters future that chance. And the DESTROYS me

Don't take it personally. Look at some examples:

Friend's kid starts doing cocaine
Sister gets addicted to gambling and has to file bankruptcy
Friend starts overeating due to stress and gains 60 lbs
Co-worker keeps showing up late and loses their job

OK- do any of these have anything to do with you?

Look, you screwed up in your M. EVERYONE does. Literally. There isn't a married person alive that couldn't villainize their spouse and build an iron clad case that they had to file for divorce. M is tough, and for those that believe what their emotions are telling them it's impossible because at some point during the M emotions will scream "if you ever want to be happy get out, you deserve and need more". But some people have what it takes to follow beliefs, and it takes two people like that to make a M work. The fact that your WAW wasn't one of them means no more about you than any of my examples above. The cliche "it's not you, it's me" is ABSOLUTELY TRUE.

But, having said that...she's gone, and no longer part of your life. As contact ceases even when you feel like she's still in your life, more and more it will actually be your projections of her, your memory of her. It is really just you now. So who she is and her issues no longer will impact you. Yours will.

That's why we say you need to just focus on you and work on you. Though I firmly say her leaving the M isn't about you...I also say that her issues don't excuse that fact that we all have areas to grow. Now that she's out, thinking about her, or excusing your behavior by blaming her doesn't position you for a better life. Just let her go gracefully to her destination, and devote that energy to who you want to be, where you want to be a better person, and what you need to do to get there. You have COMPLETE control, because you're the only one who is you, and you are no longer twined with anyone else. Who will you be?

[Kembo05]

I needed to hear what yall said. Zues what you said allowed me to breathe and refocus. You are 100% absolutely right on everything you said. Matt you're right about being in trouble if I believe everything she says. I just get so caught in the moment when we are talking I have to learn to step away to refocus.

Seriously thanks for what you guys said. I needed it. Tough love, right?

[Kembo05]

Not much has changed. found out W has told some mutual friends that she filed for D. she told them "it's really no one's fault" I knew she would say something like that. The guy is one of my best friends and I kind of told him what was going on and he was in complete shock.

We are just kind of in limbo right now, our temp order court hearing is July 15th so things have definitely been awkward around the house. I am slowly detaching and I have definitely been GAL. My W went out last night and I honestly could give a s*it where she was or what she was doing. She always tells me her plans and I just say "OK"

She had a convo with me the other night about me being so vague about what I was doing when D2 and I were out. She also said it was weird how I have been doing so much other stuff on my own. I told her I was just taking care of myself. She said it frustrated her I was so vague about things and I politely told her she gave up the right to know what I was doing. She did not like that statement. I think she thought I meant information about our D2 but I think she is just baiting me. Things started escalating and I told her I needed a couple minutes to calm down and she got even more mad and said she didn't want to wait to talk and I calmly told her I have the right to step away and calm down if I think that is what I need. This was first time in a long time I didn't let her bait me into an argument.