So over last weekend W was sick and I did a pretty good job of taking care of her mixed with doing my thing ... Knowing I am Mr Fix it I did not rush over when she thought I would be there.
That being said, I did it with no expectations .. did it because I wanted to. However .. that good karma ended up with me being pretty sick over the past couple days. As I mentioned Sunday we had a talk ... Little R talk, and she dropped the "I'm not attracted to you" on me ... I think at the time I handled it well ... but to visualize it was like a torpedo in my hull that just had not gone off yet. Well ... till today.
W called up asking about taxes, her being off work she is getting alot of things done, one of which is looking into financial aide for S's school .... appears that she wants to pursue her own business vs going back to the corporate route. so she is looking into saving some $$ with his school ... needs my tax docs .. we talked about it as I filed an extension. The talk was ok till she started pressuring for a deadline and I pushed back a bit. Then past things were brought up ... R talk ... all sorts of things I will just try to recall the goodies for you all.
So during the R talk she said that one of the reasons we do not talk is because it leads to fights (As above) I told her calmly that when she tries to put deadlines over something I am dealing with it bothers me .. we discussed that we do not communicate as well as we once did ... hopeful Retroville will help this. Then she asked what I wanted out of her .. and that weekend. So I told her .. was not emotional about it but I have been stewing on it for some time and it was time to list out the things I want from my spouse ... regardless of who that will be.
I need someone who will not run every time things get tough, someone who will stick it out ... good or bad. I need to be connected emotionally, spiritually, and most importantly physically. I need a date night once a week, just her and I. I need to be able to be myself around this person.
After I told her this I simply said .. if this is something you can not do then I think we should just go ahead and file ... These are needs .. not wants
She then started telling me why she pulled back ... before A ... was a good talk actually and opened things up .. I brought up that whole "not attracted" thing ... Told her it was hurtful, and I am not wanting to be hurt like that any longer, I went on to say unfortunately I am not a Physical Trainer (OM was) and I am not full of myself that way nor as an active father do I have that kind of time to spend in the gym .. however I am not a couch potato either, I am active, in pretty good shape. I told her by what she said its like I have to compete with OM and I am not doing that ... she can go back to that if thats what she needs .... she quickly told me no, that she was done and had moved on from that.
We talked about what we want, with her health issues she wants me to eat clean and not drink. I only drink on the night I DJ .. Fridays .. and I really would have no problem eating clean .. giving up the gig if that meant we would connect physically ... things she wants and what I want I do think with work we can get where we need to be.
Towards the end of the conversation she actually was trying to get me to relax and joke around ... caught me offgurad as I had to admit .. I am the uptight one as of late and with here and I that's a total role reversal ... she joked and told me I should lose my job and decide to just not give a F as she has the past week ... made me laugh which was her intention.
So ... I felt it was a good talk, I needed to state my needs in this for a change, things I need in this M, I never did that before and would be all huffy and pissed about it and act out passive/aggressive ... something I learned about myself during this journey and something I was not afraid to put on the table .. 180 for me on a personal level.
8 more days and we go to Retrouville ... if we do not murder each other first ...lol
