The end

[mustardseed]

I was out picking strawberries and OW came careening around our parking lot. There were kids playing and she came around like a bat of hell. She was dropping off a neighbor, another one of H's coworkers. Then she sped away. Normally when someone tears around like that all of the moms and dads out side get on the person's case. It is almost always delivery people who are so careless. This is someone who should know better--but seeing me I guess took precedence over the safety of the children. Am I being catty? Maybe a little. But still Jeez slow down. Am I really that intimidating that you have to put kids in danger.

Anyway, I ended up once again trying to appeal to his decency which probably doesn't exist. I don't think I was trying to control. i wasn't even angry, maybe a bit pleading. He said nothing, but he didn't walk away. He listened--I think. I asked him if he will ever let me know the truth about what was going on with her and when it started. His responses were the political non-responses--There is nothing to say about that. I don't know. I kept going. I was calm. I told him that I get it now, this is over. Even the infidelity I think we could have figured out how to work through, but the most recent betrayal he pulled--something I would rather not discuss here. To what end?

I get it now. The marriage is over. But if that is what the goal is than why--after three months of when you claimed you filed the petition--have a still not been served? What are you waiting for? I mentioned that I think we need to get the kids into family therapy because we both made mistakes, and this is so hard to navigate. I said I don't even care if he wants to be with her, but at least have the decency to wait until the marriage is really over. Don't have her come around my home. Don't have her come to my son's games. This is my home. I lived here for 10 years. My friends have become these neighbors who are your coworkers, and now I don't know who knows what and who is saying what. And I know she is talking a lot more trash then he even knows. Why drag her in to our family disputes? Why call her at all when you are at home--you spent the whole day with her. The kids ask why you are always together at school. S's friends have been giving him a hard time about it. Why can't we just end this in the proper way? Why does someone else need to be brought in? Now it is to the point that every choice you make seems manipulated by her. And I don't understand what crazy games your lawyer is playing.

I cried. He really seemed to listen. His expression softened as I went on. I felt like he was hearing me and understanding. Not that I was changing his mind about anything, but that he was starting to understand why this is so much harder for me and the kids than it needs to be. When I finished speaking we looked at each other.

And he said...
"Are you picking up D or am I."

And I am ok with that. Maybe I will kick myself later for once again letting him in too much. Letting him see too much of my pain. Giving him more ammo for the future. Showing him all of my cards. I'm not playing a game. That is the big difference between us. I always let myself be vulnerable, and I never expect anyone to use it against me. But that is exactly what he has been doing. The one person who even 7 months ago I never thought would put me in danger. Even when he didn't want me anymore, even when we were fighting, I never felt unsafe with him. But as soon as I discovered and started talking nasty about OW it was like his main goal became making me suffer.

I don't know what will happen next. Things are already so bad and I don't think I did anything to make it worse.