Difrent, it sounds like we are living parallel lives right now. I don't know if you have read through my thread, but we seem to be struggling with a lot of the same things. I am losing my job in two weeks. My H is flaunting a relationship (EA/PA who knows who cares at this point) in front my me and my children. I have had those days when it takes every ounce of strength I have just to put my feet on the floor when I wake up in the morning. I have gone months where my first thought upon waking is ending it all--same depressing image every single morning.
I have gone months falling asleep very easily, but waking up with ice cold fear and panic running through my veins at 3 am. Every single day since the beginning of April. However, I can also say that those days seem to be passing now. It does get better. It isn't great. I am still miserable, but the hopelessness is passing and getting out of bed is starting to feel good again.
The key is to let yourself experience your emotions. Go through it. Let it pass over you like a wave. Then continue on with your day. I am a teacher and with my students we do this movement chant called WE ARE GOING ON A BEAR HUNT. I have noticed that parts of the chant have been playing over and over in my head during the most difficult times. "Can't go over it. Can't go under it. Gotta go through it." And that is what we have to do right now. If we keep standing at the foot of the challenge trying to figure out every possible way to avoid it--we will stay stuck on this miserable side of things. Yes, going through it is going to suck. But standing there anticipating going through it is much, much worse.
Another comment I wanted to make was about how sometimes it feels like DB techniques aren't working. If you are feeling that way it is because the focus is still on you wife, not you. I just recently had a breakthrough where I started to understand my powerlessness to control my H's behaviors, feelings, accountability. Do are changes invoke changes in the people around us? Absolutely. The problem is that we have not control over what changes those other people make. It might not be what we want, or what we had in mind. It will make us crazy, make us slip, makes us feel like we are wasting our time if we base our success in making the right changes on the reactions of others. This very feeling is what made me stop DBing and got me into a really, really, really bad place. And yes--I never thought my H could stoop to the new lows he has stooped to. He is went from being someone who always made me a top priority--the person that I felt the absolute safest with, to someone whose main focus right now is to destroy me and push me to limits that will help in his motive to get me out of my home, and my kids school events--all because me being around makes it difficult for him to carry on with OW. He has become someone so evil and manipulative that I am constantly on eggshells.
However, I am starting to keep the focus on me. My needs--my kids needs. He is on his own. He is not my responsibility. And honestly, if this is the person he is now--then I don't want him anyway.
Keep the focus on you. Do what you need to do to be happy without her. Find a job that satisfies you--not one that will impress her. Get out and get a life that builds you up. Let her crash and burn with OW. The more whirlwind their relationship seems, the quicker it will fizzle out. however, make sure that when that happens you have moved on. If she wants to come back, it will have to be her putting in the work. It will have to be her trying to figure out how to win YOU back.
Last edited by mustardseed; 06/11/1511:59 AM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Wow mustardseed... just read through your posts, and yes, we do have similar tales. I would like to encourage you as a first-year teacher, though. Few jobs are harder, and you are never given the support you need. I was a teacher and a principal myself, and I have a free teacher stress management program I developed last year that you might find helpful. Google Campus Coaches and check it out. You can always fill out the contact us form for more info.
As for my situation this morning, the W has a busy schedule outside the home office, which is good. It means I don't have to come up with places to go and be just to avoid her today, and I can have a little peace in the house for a while. The kids are going to start packing for their move and go to the apartment to do some cleaning this afternoon. I have an interview this afternoon, too... so that's got me focused on something potentially positive today.
I want a much simpler life than the life I've been living with my W, who I now see has complicated things to the point that it's almost impossible not to stress in this home. I realized how much I really don't like real estate and should never have been working the business with her - it's almost like my desire to live in a tiny house is a kind of rebellion!
But, with the kids moving out, I have a whole new opportunity to design a whole new life for me. That's what I'm dreaming of today: living quietly in a small home filled with sunlight and surrounded by trees, my days filled with satisfying paid and volunteer work, spiritually enriching activities, tending my garden and cultivating deeper friendships... and enjoying a genuine inner peace. No rat race for me. She can keep it.
If she ever wants to come back to me, it would have to be on those terms, on my terms. And only after a very long process of reconciliation. I am getting more and more okay with that every day, realizing that the pangs of sadness I feel are for the woman she used to be (or maybe still is under this facade of cold selfishness), and times we'll never get back again.
It's time to move forward, and if we are meant to be, her genuine self will have to love my genuine self. It's possible, but it's not my focus now. My focus is on building the life I want to live for me, not for her or for us.
At least those are my thoughts this morning. The roller coaster is a wild ride, and I could be in a darker place later. But I'm grateful, right now, for the hope.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Diffrent, I've been reading your posts. Your thoughts today are so good. No matter what the outcome is, this is going to do you good! Prayers for you and your family.
Thank you kippz. Yeah, I'm in a good place today, and glad about it, for however long it lasts.
Just got back from a job interview and, although no one actually said, "hey, you got the job," they clearly liked and connected with me and said to look for some emailed materials next week to get the ball rolling for a position where the training starts mid-July. So I'm thinking I got the job?
It's really the perfect job for the moment - doesn't require too much mental effort (which I don't have to give right now), but it pays decent and it's respectable enough with plenty of room for advancement and actual mental effort if I'm so inclined once I'm in a better place. Really nice people, seems like a family - an environment I'd enjoy being in. So very grateful for the opportunity, and to be able to start thinking differently about how to piece together my future.
As for the homefront... the W was all super supportive on my way out the door today. "Let me fix your hair... you look nice... you'll do great, babe!" Hugs and even a kiss. I'm not sure if she's excited about my bringing home money and relieving the stress of paying the bills, or that with a job it will be easier to ask me to move out. Probably both, each in its own time.
I thought she was planning on attending a particular networking event tonight with the OW that I wanted to go to but was going to avoid for that reason, but it turns out the extra ticket she got was for me. I said I'd go, but mostly for the free beer.
So I have to play things really cool and not get dragged into any fights or anything tonight - but also I need to remain detached and in control. Really going to work on that. Wondering how she'll be treating me now that I (seem to) have a job.
Had lunch with a good friend today, too. He's been so supportive, as so many friends have been. He helped remind me again what utter chaos the W has thrown her life into. The more stable and sure I become, and the crazier things get with the OW, the more she will regret her decision to leave me, whether or not she tries to come back.
I think.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
So... surprise! She wasn't home when it was time to go to the networking event. I called to see if she was still up for it. She said, "Uh, no, I was going to call you..." And I said, "Well, next time, please let me know before the event itself begins. Common courtesy... I could have gone with my alternate plans otherwise." And yet, she wanted to know all about my job interview, of course. I said I'd talk to her tomorrow, maybe.
I grabbed my younger son and took him to dinner, fully expecting to come home to an empty house. But she was here... wanting to know, again, all about the interview. She's been upstairs in the office all night, and I've been on the couch. Although the sting gets a bit milder each day, I still can't believe we have fallen so far from the routine we used to have, the affection we used to share, the love we used to profess. She is out of her mind. And I just have to stay the course.
Going to bed, while she continues to "work" upstairs. It will, as always, be interesting to see what tomorrow will bring!
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I'm not sure how I'm doing it either, Matt. We are supposed to talk today about plans moving forward. I'm already talking with my contractor about putting down a small house, need to find some land, too. Clearly, this will take a little bit of time, but just thinking about getting into my own space and away from her is helping to deal with the oppressive atmosphere here.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Making plans is good. Seeing that snap shot of what the other side might look like. Thank you for reading through my posts. Right now I am so disillusioned about teaching. I love working with the kids. And I really like special education. But dealing with assistants was a nightmare. And right now, with the rest of my life being such a mess, putting in the time needed to create a multigrade program was just too much to handle. I have to step back and figure out my next steps. I will check out the resources you created. Thank you for your support.
Last edited by mustardseed; 06/12/1511:45 AM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I need to get out more!
