WOW !! Matt777....and they do this on purpose? I am so confused, I REALLY thought that he really cared for me but it makes total sense now. Here's another text from last night (let me know what you think)
He wrote: I might not be here on the weekend but I will let you know for sure.
I wrote: No Problem, no need to let me know either way.
He wrote: Just for the girls in case you were going somewhere. I wrote: Thank you but it's ok
WOW !! Matt777....and they do this on purpose? I am so confused, I REALLY thought that he really cared for me but it makes total sense now. Here's another text from last night (let me know what you think)
He wrote: I might not be here on the weekend but I will let you know for sure.
I wrote: No Problem, no need to let me know either way.
He wrote: Just for the girls in case you were going somewhere. I wrote: Thank you but it's ok
I don't know if it's "on purpose". But from what I read and see on here, it's certainly not uncommon. The WAS wants to keep that safety net in their back pocket JUST IN CASE the grass isn't really greener. You wouldn't jump out of an airplane without a parachute, right?
Look at your texts above. There was no need to reply to the first one at all! Did he ask you anything? Did he want anything? Was there anything urgent? All that text convo looks like to me is a small argument about nothing. About who gets the last word. Who gets to be "less the bad guy". Even though you didn't mean to, it comes across as controlling and irritating. So don't feed that fire!
RosaLinda, I have been with him longer than I have been alone in my life (im 44-29y with him=15 y old so at the moment any music or any meals or desert I cook, reminds me of him.....everything reminds me of him, I'm having such a hard time with it cause everywhere I turn it remind me of him. BUT.....I will figure it out.
This whole situation is a blessing in disguise really because I wasn't happy but it is hard to re-focus 29y of my life on me & my girls !!
Stopping myself from the compulsion to fix/rescue/organize everything is very hard for me.....MY MAIN GOAL at the moment.
I have cut down on texting to bare minimum especially with emotional support from him through text that is all done done.
I think he might be turning to alcohol because of a Facebook status that my oldest daughter saw and he pre-disposition to it. I was the voice of reasoning for him with alcohol. But now that he is alone.....I can see him going at it hard.
LOVE those kind of signature....It helps me understand you better.
RosaLinda....I see you are not with your H.....did he ever came out of his MLC & did you ever consider taking him back?
Matt777, I have so much to learn, I thought I did well with my answers. I will keep those questions close by and answer them before I answer his text. Oh boy this is hard.
Is it normal to go back and forth on do I want him back after the affairs or is it fear? I love him so much but he has changed into someone I don't recongnize & I'm not sure I could be married to this new him, I know it's not his normal but with everything he is doing it makes me wonder so much if I could trust & love him
Is it normal to go back and forth on do I want him back after the affairs or is it fear? I love him so much but he has changed into someone I don't recongnize & I'm not sure I could be married to this new him, I know it's not his normal but with everything he is doing it makes me wonder so much if I could trust & love him
Cindy - What difference does it make RIGHT NOW whether you want him back or not? The steps for DB are IDENTICAL. That's really the kicker of this whole thing. There is no trick that gets your husband back. Instead, we work to become the best people we can be, and that person is ATTRACTIVE. Our S's like the new versions of us! Then they may decide to R and WE decide THEN what we want.
So for now, every ounce of energy you put into thinking about whether you can forgive, move past, whatever is wasted. By the time you are in a position to R, you won't be the people you are today!
Sorry you're feeling so low this afternoon. Knowing it's "normal" doesn't make it any easier, does it?
Originally Posted By: Cindy
He wrote: I might not be here on the weekend but I will let you know for sure. I wrote: No Problem, no need to let me know either way. He wrote: Just for the girls in case you were going somewhere. I wrote: Thank you but it's o.k He wrote: Like I said, I'm not sure yet.
Originally Posted By: Matt
Look at your texts above. There was no need to reply to the first one at all! Did he ask you anything? Did he want anything? Was there anything urgent?
I agree wholeheartedly with Matt's advice here that you should only respond when necessary, or just write something short like "okay," but with one exception. Your H moved out last April right? (I think that's what your signature means but it's a bit confusing ) I think your H DOES need to tell you when he will be coming to YOUR home. He left, he is now a visitor, he should no longer be permitted to come and go as he pleases, just like any other visitor. Just my opinion, but I think it's a good boundary. You don't have to be nasty about it, but maybe next time answer something like, "okay, but let me know." He'll get the idea.
Where is he living now, anyway? Does he have an OW?
Originally Posted By: Cindy
Stopping myself from the compulsion to fix/rescue/organize everything is very hard for me.....MY MAIN GOAL at the moment.
This was the hardest thing for me too, even just admitting to myself that I was like this, but the steps to stop being a fixer/rescuer are sort of the same ones that help us to detach, like establishing healthy emotional boundaries, and not letting people take advantage of us. Recognizing that we should not try to change or control people, and that it's better to let them accept personal responsibility for their own actions, and not bail them out all the time. And that at this time, our walk away spouses are confused, dysfunctional and lost in a highly distorted reality, where you are the bad guy; but there is no way to fix or rescue someone from being confused, dysfunctional and losing touch with reality. You can find books and articles on the subject, like Codependent No More.
Originally Posted By: Cindy
RosaLinda....I see you are not with your H.....did he ever came out of his MLC & did you ever consider taking him back?
The story of my ex's MLC is sort of funny/sad. His dad's side of the family was from the Baltics, and they always planned to go to the "motherland" together some day, and my ex was learning to speak Russian for their trip. Then his dad passed away from a heart attack and my ex broke his leg really badly playing ice hockey in 2007, had surgery and had to be on bedrest for months. He'd been depressed for years, since losing his job and I think, his testosterone too, and this really threw him for a loop, and I think the combination was what precipitated the crisis. He claimed that God had taken everything he loved away from him. Gee thanks LOL
I got him a laptop computer to help him pass the time, and he joined an online forum to hook up pen pals who want to learn each other's languages. This started a long line of long distance Russian girlfriends who wanted to hook up in other ways besides learning English. A couple of them came over here to New York to visit, so I'm pretty sure their long distance EAs temporarily became PAs.
I got the bomb in 2009, along with a laundry list of complaints why he was no longer in love with me, such as I am too short, remind him of an ape, and clean the house before taking a shower in the morning. Unlike your H, my ex did not leave home, probably because I supported him financially. I went to a marriage counselor who advocated a program similar to DBing, who told me it would take my ex 3 to 5 years to "wake up" from his MLC, and so I settled down to wait it out because I believed, like you, that marriage is for better or for worse. And boy oh boy, this was a good example of worse. He went thru all those MLC stages of anger and denial and depression, but stayed consistently in replay. He did a lot of funny whacky sad things, like give away all his possessions, send out a group email to our family that I was trying to poison him, and refused to take antibiotics when he came down with Lyme disease, and ate a Russian folk cure of fermented oatmeal instead.
He met his current OW in 2012. She was, from the moment they met, determined to break up his marriage so she could obtain a green card, and was a lot more aggressive than the rest. She came over here to visit him twice, and he went and spend a month in Moscow with her. Then in Dec 2013, he went back into that angry nasty abusive stage again with a vengeance and one day I had had enough and told him that he had to chose between her and me. He immediately chose the Russian, didn't need to think about it for one nanosecond
I filed for divorce, and it was final in May 2014. He decided to move to Moscow to live with the Russian, and got a 3 year visa. He however only lasted 5 months there, and he came back to NY in January and moved in with his elderly mom. He told me that the Russian was nasty, aggressive, argumentative and bossy and he realized what he had lost in me and wanted to come home. Luckily DBing and the folks on this forum had helped me get back my self confidence and self esteem and I refused because I did not see any changes in him at all. He sent me a bunch of nasty emails informing me that divorce is just a piece of paper and that I was still "flesh of his flesh." Exactly one week later he told me that he did not want to be alone, and had asked the Russian to marry him LOL. He applied for a fiancee visa, and she is going to finally get her wish, a green card. I'm thinking she'll divorce him once she gets here, and take half his money as well, but I'm done fixing him and am leaving him to reap the consequences of his actions. Like Matt said, "Then they may decide to R and WE decide THEN what we want.... By the time you are in a position to R, you won't be the people you are today!" Boy is this true!
I met a lovely divorced man a bit younger than me (does 16 months make me a cougar??? ) and am really happy. This sounds stupid since I'm 62, but I feel like an adult woman for the first time in my life, making my own decisions. My ex seems to be trying to reconnect with our sons, and decided that I am his best friend. He sends me an email or text almost every day. I answer him when I feel like it. So there IS life after divorce! Who knew!
Sorry for rambling on so. Did your H show up yet? You can do this. Remember -- cool, nice, detached, beautiful
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Linda - I certainly agree that H can't come and go in the house as he pleases anymore. But the text said he would be in contact soon. I still don't think a reply was needed to the text as written.
) I think your H DOES need to tell you when he will be coming to YOUR home. He left, he is now a visitor, he should no longer be permitted to come and go as he pleases, just like any other visitor. Just my opinion, but I think it's a good boundary. You don't have to be nasty about it, but maybe next time answer something like, "okay, but let me know." He'll get the idea.