Haha. I do! But the kids had steak last night with STBX. I think I'll just grill out on Friday instead. How dare STBX move in on my steak game!!
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
That push pull dance is a tricky one ... I know it all to well. Does appear like me you are to availible to her .... she (like my W) uses the kids as the net to keep you close, its a very tough river to navigate and seems to work against everything we 'think' we should do ... but I have found the more you can detach the more she will fear losing you ... or at the least question herself.
Just keep this stuff in mind ... a few posts ago you mentioned she called and you answered ... she said she missed you ... but what if you did not pick up that call>? How much more would she miss you then? Ya know .. because you are so darn busy living this new life that you did not ask for but will make the most of. Things to keep in mind.
What 180's have you been working on, and the GAL activities .. what I have read has been focused on your W (The reason I ask is I do the same and it helps to be called out on it and re-focus on what we need to do)
That push pull dance is a tricky one ... I know it all to well.
Know what the woman does when dancing with a man? She instinctively responds to his movements. When his body presses forward, she steps back. When he steps back, she follows.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That push pull dance is a tricky one ... I know it all to well.
Know what the woman does when dancing with a man? She instinctively responds to his movements. When his body presses forward, she steps back. When he steps back, she follows.
I've noticed ... I just seem to worry about falling down the staircase
Cali/Sandi, You are right to question my recent availability to STBX. Thanks for keeping me in check!
I guess subconsciously I got impatient and didn't want to miss an opportunity to discover or validate STBX's position. I felt like I had done well pulling back as of late and strategically justified my actions. I know now is the time to play it cool and stay focused. My plan is to pull back some more from her over these next few days.
On the GAL front, I regularly attend and have started my own discussion groups, go out with friends regularly (movies/dinner/drinks/trivia), exercise, regularly update wardrobe, etc. 180s: less critical of others, less argumentative with wife, rediscovering hobbies/interests, engaging in active listening/not offering solutions, maintain clean household, re-establish independence/confidence.
Wow, thanks for causing me to sharpen my stuff. I hadn't thought about this for a while.
All of those familiar with my sitch, please jump in and offer suggestions for possible 180s!
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
T0, Thanks for the motivation. My goal is to pull back a bit and make myself less available to STBX over the next few days.
Nothing exciting to report. It rained the last two days so I haven't been able to enjoy my patio oasis yet. I'm glad I didn't pressure wash yet. That would have been frustrating!
STBX dropped off the kids last night. I didn't linger after we said our goodbyes at the car. I waved and I walked inside the house. She did send a TM around 11pm though. "You ok?" I didn't respond.
Nothing major planned for the weekend so far. I expect the weather to be rainy. Friday night, D4 and I will camp out downstairs, watch a movie, make popcorn, and try out the new Slurpee maker. On Saturday morning, I invited D4's best friend over for a play date. (D4 has stated multiple times that her friends never come over to my house anymore). Saturday night will be my own. I'm still figuring out what to do.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Glad you could remember to take a step back and re-evaluate your strategy. Sometimes we think we have changed just because we said we intended to change. It's good to take the time and really measure your own progress and make sure that you're actually on the track still.
180s: engaging in active listening/not offering solutions,
I don't see where you got the "not offering solutions" language from. I don't see it on the 180 list or, really anywhere.
I saw one poster say "don't offer solutions unless asked" which I think might MIGHT be a better angle on it.
But isn't that a little like saying "Lighthouse - turn off your light"????
Sure men have a tendency to want to fix things and start offering solutions to women where women just want to talk out their day and not feel compelled to fix anything. Combatting that tendency means just taking the cotton out of your ears and TENDING TOWARDS putting it in your mouth more often than not. Just listen.
However, your wife is lost right now and vulnerable. It doesn't take a lot of time or energy or even detached MOJO to say:
"Listen, I don't know where this is going myself. My feelings are all over the place too. Would you be OK agreeing to mutually hold off on filing a divorce right now and let's just try to get along, spend some time together this summer and see what happens? Of course, there are some conditions necessary before I would want to do that but it's very difficult for me to discuss my feelings with you when I wake up everyday wondering if I'm about to get served divorce paperwork. What do you think? (THEN ACTIVE LISTEN...and distance).
Another example. She also indicated she wants a solution to the friends thing. Your response/solution should be preconceived and concise. Something like "I feel that in the end our friends are irrelevant. You and I would kind of separate from them all this summer and just worry about figuring out what we each want with regards to our marriage and family. If we successfully figure out a way to rebuild it, our friends will either get on board with that or not be our friends. I wouldn't allow them to hold something over your head that I had already forgiven you for. By the way, we aren't the only ones the have gone through this or will ever go through this. If we find a way to overcome this...we may even get the opportunity to help other couples do the same. I could even envision our testimony helping other couples someday.
[btw - using words like "envision" or "dream" or "hope" is important as it takes the situation and thinking to a better rosier future and out of the dung hole it resides in today]
I also just don't understand what "dropping the rope" is meant to achieve more than she's already doing. She's pursuing you. When she does....of course, don't jump up and down like a dog being given a treat but throwing her the occasional life line and reeling her in is a productive use of her pursuit. If she perceives recovery as hopeless and not something you want....she may just give up and not pursue you ever again. Then you'll be divorced and detached all you want.
Look at her actions too - she has NOT filed for divorce yet.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
