Thanks Pink just read your post and I'm sitting at my desk crying Thank you so much. I don't deserve the kind words you posted. I'm doing what any parent would do
I was telling my S20 about you yesterday as we drove home and he loved the thought of you , blue hair on the bike in the middle of the night screaming down the highway at night.
Thank you for being my friend I think I love you !!!!!!
Toots. Again thank you for always being there. I would love to meet you one day Maybe a secret code for my email. !!!!! I think cadet would be to clever for that.
Just got one text yesterday asking how I was and that she met a neighbour and his kids just had children. I didn't answef
I'm so down and habe booked L/C for tomorrow night
So you think you love me. And I also love the way you write to me. I also think I love you.
Now, we can understand our spouses. They felt some absence of love. They felt life was empty and with no meaning anymore. Then someone offered them some kind words.
A gentle gesture of friendship, caring. They had someone to listen, it was new and fresh. It had a different taste. The kind of feeling they were not getting from us anymore.
Our attention was somewhere else. We did not fear losing the love of the person we trusted. In our minds, it was like something settled, sacred, because our values are different then their values.
In that moment when someone gave them a shoulder to cry on, they felt some kind of emotion and they wanted more. The next step was to just think that it was time to think about themselves and jump to what seems to be the right path, a new love, a new hope, a new feeling that brings the butterflies to your stomach.
We say kind words to each other, and we end up coming here for more. It makes us strong and independent again. We feel hopeful and happy that someone care about us. In a way, we are just like our spouses.
The only very important difference is our values, we care for a lot more then ourselves. We are the givers, they are the takers.
There is nothing wrong in that bizarre combination when there is a balance of mutual respect. If that happen, the givers will sometime give themselves time and attention, and the takers will give a break and show sympathy.
Kind of complex, but just being humans. We are always thirsty for love, caring, touch...
By the way, you need to tell your S20 that my hair is no longer blue and I do not ride a bike for many years. That girl is somewhere inside of me. I can feel it, I am like two people in one body.
I am very lady like, sweet and very pink. But I am wild, kind of crazy. My children like this. They always tell me that their friends love me because I am a cool mom. I listen to loud music in the car, I always want to shoot or use a bazooka on the stupid drivers in the street.
I scream, cry and jump at the high school football game, I load my car with all the smelly boys after practice and drop them off along the way home. I am friends with all these kids on facebook. I take them to water world and bring snacks to everyone.
By the way the band I like the most now is "MUSE". When younger my favorite band was "THE CURE". Here you can take a guess of how I am. Yes, somewhat Gothic, in a good sense.
RD, one day I will meet you and we will laugh so much about this sharing time of our lives. It's insane, but it is feeding the good in our souls, and the most important is that we are helping each other.
Be strong RD, life will get better. Time will go by and we will see what happen with our M. By the way mine is almost done, my D is moving forward and maybe July or August I will sign the final papers.
Hope that you had a good session with your new LC, keep going, it helps a lot.
Hello lovely RD, I hope you had a good day and are feeling a little better in yourself. As you see, the ladies are all checking in to see how you are doing!!
RD, how about planning a little nice GAL for yourself to have something to look forward to - just for you...???
By the way, I'm now posting in the midlife crisis area - just in case you're worried you can't find me in infidelity!!
T xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Pink. Thanks for posting. Got three calls from EXW yesterday and each one was about nothing. She was hanging on at the end of each call as if she wished to talk I finished the calls
Saw L/C yesterday and it did not go well. She said I had no hope of reconciliation as I did not trust EXW and I needed to accept that OM was a codependent person who drags people into his sorrow. L/C said she didn't think I was trying to help myself by my thoughts and that she (L/C) had met with EXW numorous times and was 100% that EXW was helping OM while EXW was going through her own issues
L/C said I needed to clear my head of negative thoughts and accept what EXW is saying and this would all work itself out.
L/C was not happy that I was not friends with EXW anymore and said EXW had to sort herself out but also needed support as she was getting none anywhere else
EXW also told D's that she was leaving job where she works with OM and was looking for work elsewhere
I'm fairly down at the moment as I'm not sure I can accept what EXW is saying and maybe that's because I'm too immature I've always been the jealous type and at 49'will that change ?
Hi RD, sorry things are tough just now. I'm not sure I entirely agree with LC. I mean OM may be who he is, but we are all responsible for our choices. And your W/EXW may 'just' be helping OM, but they also share a bed..??
It sounds to me as though you are having a bit of a detachment tussle within yourself. You talk about jealousy and not trusting. But is it more helpful to just talk about releasing W, letting her go and seeing that she has a journey to take? I don't mean closing the door on reconcilitation, but accepting 'what is' for now?
I love my H still. However, there is a big difference between continuing to love him and entering into a R with him again. At the moment, I would not trust him and would not wish to make myself vulnerable again. But I can see if there were a big change in our sitch, I would consider us being togther again. That does get a bit harder to imagine as time goes on, but the door hasn't fully closed yet for me.
I guess what I'm saying is can you work on your own detachment further and get to a point where accepting or not accepting what W is saying/doing doesn't really matter?
(((RD)))
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
You know I made and make many mistakes according to the DBing line. In my humble opinion I would try to protect myself and my kids in order to maintain a good head over my shoulders.
If you get too emotional, confused, and maybe even depressed, then you family will suffer the consequences. So, I think that the best is to try to keep life as normal as possible and detach yourself further.
Now, saying that does not mean that your W won't have any support in case she needs. It's good if she knows that the door is open and that she can always ask for your help if she needs it.
The whole jealous business is up to you. It's about how much you can forget and forgive, how much trust you can built again after all this, if there is a R, how things will work out. You have been changing and so as your W.
If it comes to a R after this period of S, then you may need to go to MC and even FC since the kids are involved in it.
That can change the dynamic of how things are viewed by you. Forgiveness is a supreme gesture and feeling and it is possible when we get to the conclusion that we are not perfect.
Sometimes I feel that since the beginning you two don't talk openly about anything. It's not even the matter of talking about the R, M. But maybe just the two of you could go somewhere to have dinner and discuss what are the plans from here forward.
That would be a way to have things a little more straight and have some idea of what she wants to do. If the conversation is calm, adult, without punches on each other. Then it could help you to find out what she intend to do. If she wants to get back with you, if she wants to have some MC, if she is totally done with you and your M.
The truth is that you just don't know anything and maybe it is not even the right time to know if your W is still in her craziness transition period. I really don't know.
I just think that sometimes we need to take care after business and have a better position for ourselves independent of what our WAS want, and independent of what we really want to happen.
In my situation, it is getting very close to my D to be final. But in some ways, I have the practical side resolved. It is what it is and if it just happen that my H comes back, then we need to talk about it. Think about I want if that happen and decide what to do then.
Maybe it is time for you to sit down and think what should be done. Your W won't stop bugging you every day, but she won't take any step to change the mess she is in. Is this what you want for the next 6 months?
Your children have been in this situation for the last one year... is this what they deserve?
Your wife does not have family or anyone to help her, it makes you to be responsible... do you want this responsibility?
There are many questions to be answered. Maybe you will need to reflect in what you want for now... not yesterday, and not forever, just for now. If RD wants to detach, then some serious boundaries will need to take place.
You and your wife need to sit down together and work some schedule about the kids. Of course it is not so simple because we have big kids and they have their own opinion. Then it is time for reality check, ask what they want and make it the schedule.
Does your W wants the D, does she wants some legal S or she is just having a sleep over somewhere for an indefinite time? Do you know what she wants?
Sorry, I am probably making your life a little more hell, but for a long time you have this dynamic of W coming and going, crying, complaining, saying she does not have anything with the OM but yet treating him like a BF or a dependent patient. Maybe, because it is hurting you very deeply, it is time for those bloody boundaries.
At this point I will also say like many others have been saying to you, that you really need to do something for yourself. It may as simple as going to a gym to work out, or maybe a concert, a class of some kind, whatever it is, now is very important that you take sometime for yourself.
RD, you know very well that I too have kids and it is very demanding on our lives and time, but we may need to step out of our own comfort zone and expose ourselves to the world again. Like many people say, you may be surprised of how much you have been missing.
Talk more with us all here in the board, share some ideas, look at the positive... where is the man that reminded me many times to look of what I have instead of what I lost?
