Let Go VI

[DJin]

I know you don't have a lot of options right now, HD. I understand she is running the show with continuing the divorce.

Remember time changes everything. In time glaciers become rivers and mountains become riverbeds. Heal a little every day. I truly recommend putting a hold on the proceedings until you both heal some. If she wants to delay to save money for an attorney, that could buy you a lot of time. Six months is a loooong time in a situation like this. A lot of good could happen in six months.

Think over the difference between keeping a hard line ("she WILL give up her AP completely or I will not mediate or be her friend!") and leaving room for her to work her way back to you without destroying her ego -- which is massive right now due to both the affair and the mlc.

Don't you think she's playing you and the AP off of each other even if she doesn't realize it? When the AP disappoints her in any way, she reaches out to you. When you disappoint her, she reaches back to the AP. The AP keeps her from having to look at her own role in this debacle she's created.

You are pouring a lot of judgment on her. You tell her she MUST get rid of her AP (to her, this is no longer an AFFAIR, this is her future second wife. She sees this as you asking her to leave her fiancé in order to go to mediation with you. Of COURSE she's not going to do that.) You tell her this break up of the family is her fault. (BLAME is not your friend here, however well deserved it may be.) If your son cries, it's HER fault. If you're fraught, it's HER fault. There is too much judgment and blame.

Whether she deserves it or not isn't the point. I would have different words for her if she were here. But she's not here, you are. And you came here not to learn how to be a hard nose in your D, but to learn how you might save your M.

If I were your friend irl, I would come by yer place and bring you dinner and listen to you vent and really hear you and validate you and then I would take you and your kids out for fun to forget everything for a while and feel better.

But that's not my role in your story. We are e-friends on a site you came to for support to save your marriage. I COULD tell you how to be tough and stay stong in your divorce. I've been thru that. I could advise you on that excellently. But, it's not why you originally came here and I don't think it's in your best interests or the best interests of your children right now.

There is much lofty talk about having to have a lawyer "for the good of the children" and having no choice about the divorce going forward.

If we're honest, we'd see that's disingenuous. For the children's "good" would they rather have money or intact parents raising them together in love and respect?

There IS a choice about the speed of the divorce. She's asked for 6 months. You have a choice there. It is YOUR choice to not delay the divorce. Of COURSE she says you're controlling everything. She looks at how it's affecting HER just as you are looking at how everything is affecting YOU.

I GET IT that this sux and is completely unfair. Why should YOU give in even more? Well, because you're the one you can control. And you're the one who wants to save the marriage if it can be healthy. And you're the one here on this forum.

Just take a few days to think it over. I see you doing "more of the same" that isn't working. A 180 isn't always detaching and NC. The 180 is the OPPOSITE of the "more of the same" behavior that hasn't been working.

Think over some action oriented, short term goals for your situation. Your goals are for working toward what you REALLY want. Is what you really want is to have a huge victory in your divorce? Or is what you really want is to heal your parental relationship? Set short term goals for what you REALLY want.

THEN analyze what you've been doing that ISN'T working. I don't think NC is working for you. I think NC when she is rude, IS working. But, when she's reaching out, reach back. Remind her she has a home with you if she wants it. Now, you may say she has to choose you or the AP if she decides to come home, or maybe not. That's a prayerful decision.

Choose your 180's from what ISN'T working. And you won't know unless you choose something specific and stick to it for a bit and track the slow progress.

Remember what happened with kramer and his W. Out of nowhere, she came back. 11th hour, she changed her mind. That story could be yours.

What will this episode in your life be called 10 years from now? Will it be:

That Story About The Time I Was A Hero and Saved Our Family When I Brought Your Mom Back From Hell

Or will it be:

The Reason We Divorced and My Kids Only See Me Every Other Christmas

Do NOT let your pain right now make this decision for you. You NEED to heal more before you proceed with this D, imo.

Love and hugs.
#anotherJuly4thSpeech