Thanks for your comments. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure including when our son was soooo sick.
I think my wife is still in there way deep down. I hope that she can beat whatever her issues with herself and me are. I have loved her for most of my adult llife and she is the mother of my kids. I want her to be healthy and whole. I want her to be honest and commit to our family. For whatever reason she believes she won't do it.
I don't want to be sanctimonius nor a judge. I have made many mistakes in my life and have been granted mercy by God and others. I am so thankful for the 2nd, 3rd and 4th chances I have been granted. I believe in redemption because I have been given it so many times.
All that being said I want nothing more than to have my wife and family together. I would give anything for that to happen except living in an open marriage. I am ashamed to admit I actually considered it to 'save my marriage and family.' I ultimately chose to not betray my values. My wife continued on that path. She said 'face it , the marriage was better for you than for me.' She is divorcing me so I have no choice. I have asked her to withdraw the divorce and she refuses.
I pray daily for strength to weather this crisis and the wisdom to follow His will. I pray for my wife and our kids. I pray for compassion and love for all of us.
I don't know what the future is but I trudge through this life one day at a time. When I am upset and angry I do my best to keep my mouth shut like I did yesterday. I did not say a word but just tried to comfort my kids and drove us home and kept the banter light and fun. I cannot be condemned if I keep my mouth shut right?? All I can do is walk away.
My wife has made her choices, choices that I don't agree with but they are hers to make. I am so very sorry she did not choose us.
I have not rushed to divorce but it is getting closer. I am ok with it at this point. It will be my greatest disappointment in this life.
The door is always open to her should she ever wake up. She has not asked for forgiveness but she is mortal and I forgive her anyway. She must think she is doing what is right for her.
Although I am broken and traumatized, my children need me plus I know I will have another chance to live again with happiness.
