Heartbroken and Despondent?

[mustardseed]

Difrent, it sounds like we are living parallel lives right now. I don't know if you have read through my thread, but we seem to be struggling with a lot of the same things. I am losing my job in two weeks. My H is flaunting a relationship (EA/PA who knows who cares at this point) in front my me and my children. I have had those days when it takes every ounce of strength I have just to put my feet on the floor when I wake up in the morning. I have gone months where my first thought upon waking is ending it all--same depressing image every single morning.

I have gone months falling asleep very easily, but waking up with ice cold fear and panic running through my veins at 3 am. Every single day since the beginning of April. However, I can also say that those days seem to be passing now. It does get better. It isn't great. I am still miserable, but the hopelessness is passing and getting out of bed is starting to feel good again.

The key is to let yourself experience your emotions. Go through it. Let it pass over you like a wave. Then continue on with your day. I am a teacher and with my students we do this movement chant called WE ARE GOING ON A BEAR HUNT. I have noticed that parts of the chant have been playing over and over in my head during the most difficult times. "Can't go over it. Can't go under it. Gotta go through it." And that is what we have to do right now. If we keep standing at the foot of the challenge trying to figure out every possible way to avoid it--we will stay stuck on this miserable side of things. Yes, going through it is going to suck. But standing there anticipating going through it is much, much worse.

Another comment I wanted to make was about how sometimes it feels like DB techniques aren't working. If you are feeling that way it is because the focus is still on you wife, not you. I just recently had a breakthrough where I started to understand my powerlessness to control my H's behaviors, feelings, accountability. Do are changes invoke changes in the people around us? Absolutely. The problem is that we have not control over what changes those other people make. It might not be what we want, or what we had in mind. It will make us crazy, make us slip, makes us feel like we are wasting our time if we base our success in making the right changes on the reactions of others. This very feeling is what made me stop DBing and got me into a really, really, really bad place. And yes--I never thought my H could stoop to the new lows he has stooped to. He is went from being someone who always made me a top priority--the person that I felt the absolute safest with, to someone whose main focus right now is to destroy me and push me to limits that will help in his motive to get me out of my home, and my kids school events--all because me being around makes it difficult for him to carry on with OW. He has become someone so evil and manipulative that I am constantly on eggshells.

However, I am starting to keep the focus on me. My needs--my kids needs. He is on his own. He is not my responsibility. And honestly, if this is the person he is now--then I don't want him anyway.

Keep the focus on you. Do what you need to do to be happy without her. Find a job that satisfies you--not one that will impress her. Get out and get a life that builds you up. Let her crash and burn with OW. The more whirlwind their relationship seems, the quicker it will fizzle out. however, make sure that when that happens you have moved on. If she wants to come back, it will have to be her putting in the work. It will have to be her trying to figure out how to win YOU back.