DJ lovely post, I also believe the first stage here for HeavyD is to detach from WW. Take off that collar and let go of the outcome. I too think WW is confused about who she wants to be but whilst WW can pull the chain this is really distressing and this is evident to me in HeavyDs posts.
To let WW do the running on the D, to protect these precious children with an L.To allow things to unfold in time, to have patience and rest, a little peace in life, to enjoy her children, to be the lighthouse. To lighten and a good dose go GAL. I would enjoy reading these things on HeavyDs thread.
I like the idea of sitting spinning, then weaving a beautiful fine wool garment, sheer and full of shimmer and beautiful colours. Something glamorous and gorgeous to wear.
HeavyD patience comes with detachment. It will come to you when you choose to let go of the outcome. Let WW work her stuff and brave one look after you and those precious children.
Breathe
In essence this extra special AP is a scuzzy. Scuzzies do what scuzzies do best behave as scuzzies. Amoral scuzzies eventually move on, this scuzzy offers no prospects in the long run and that must be clear to WW. Married with a family and 600 miles away, in an open M.
In order to become a partner that no fool would leave requires enormous growth and detachment. This is the start of your journey, it will take time and consistency. I read change already and much more to come.
Peace
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 06/11/1508:39 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Definitely right now one big advantage of the AP is the obvious emotional *space* she can give your W while still retaining a romantic outlet. That's what you're competing against.
In an affair, the spouse is competing against the honeymoon period of New Love: lots of compliments, everyone on their best behavior, the love life gets priority over the rest of life, the rush of emotions, the thrill of new conquest and discovery.....it's a LOT for a familiar spouse who has full knowledge of the offending spouse's shortcomings to measure up to.
I think the idea of prancing around flirtatiously, playing nice, smelling good all the time, etc, in order to lure a spouse away from an AP is detestable. But, perhaps it's necessary. When we have kids, we signed up to make ourselves vulnerable to detestable things. Not serial adultery. Not getting smacked around. Not decades of being yelled at....we didn't sign up for those things. But we did sign up for SOME seasons of repugnance for the good of our kids.
We must detach from the little hurts our spouse tosses our way. We must detach from their actions. We must detach from all the pain and from having any control over the future in any way. Our spouse in mlc simply DOES NOT AND CAN NOT care what anyone else wants or needs right now. They will throw out the baby with the bathwater to try to assuage the swirl of crisis going on inside them right now. If we put any restrictions or guilt on them, they will run away like we're chasing them with an axe.
So, yes, I totally agree. Detach and be breezy like a confident new love would be. But stay loving, complimentary, and interested, like a new love would be. I do not believe you can do this alone. God never intended for you to manage this difficult thing alone. Pray often for peace.
Hmm....every time I comment, I give a big Fourth of July speech. Sorry. I'm very caught up in this from reading through the whole story. It seems to me that 8 months is a very short time to be going to court already. A bit more stalling may be the thing that solves everything. Some problems can *only* be solved over time. 9 women can't make a baby in 1 month.
M: 16y 3 adult kids, 2 young kids H filed D May/15, no svc yet Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends? ~ Abe Lincoln WAKE UP. WORK HARD. FORGIVE. REPEAT.
Definitely right now one big advantage of the AP is the obvious emotional *space* she can give your W while still retaining a romantic outlet. That's what you're competing against.
In an affair, the spouse is competing against the honeymoon period of New Love: lots of compliments, everyone on their best behavior, the love life gets priority over the rest of life, the rush of emotions, the thrill of new conquest and discovery.....it's a LOT for a familiar spouse who has full knowledge of the offending spouse's shortcomings to measure up to.
I think the idea of prancing around flirtatiously, playing nice, smelling good all the time, etc, in order to lure a spouse away from an AP is detestable. But, perhaps it's necessary. When we have kids, we signed up to make ourselves vulnerable to detestable things. Not serial adultery. Not getting smacked around. Not decades of being yelled at....we didn't sign up for those things. But we did sign up for SOME seasons of repugnance for the good of our kids.
We must detach from the little hurts our spouse tosses our way. We must detach from their actions. We must detach from all the pain and from having any control over the future in any way. Our spouse in mlc simply DOES NOT AND CAN NOT care what anyone else wants or needs right now. They will throw out the baby with the bathwater to try to assuage the swirl of crisis going on inside them right now. If we put any restrictions or guilt on them, they will run away like we're chasing them with an axe.
So, yes, I totally agree. Detach and be breezy like a confident new love would be. But stay loving, complimentary, and interested, like a new love would be. I do not believe you can do this alone. God never intended for you to manage this difficult thing alone. Pray often for peace.
Hmm....every time I comment, I give a big Fourth of July speech. Sorry. I'm very caught up in this from reading through the whole story. It seems to me that 8 months is a very short time to be going to court already. A bit more stalling may be the thing that solves everything. Some problems can *only* be solved over time. 9 women can't make a baby in 1 month.
^^^This is extra inspirational this morning. Thanks for this!
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
Thanks for your comments. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to endure including when our son was soooo sick.
I think my wife is still in there way deep down. I hope that she can beat whatever her issues with herself and me are. I have loved her for most of my adult llife and she is the mother of my kids. I want her to be healthy and whole. I want her to be honest and commit to our family. For whatever reason she believes she won't do it.
I don't want to be sanctimonius nor a judge. I have made many mistakes in my life and have been granted mercy by God and others. I am so thankful for the 2nd, 3rd and 4th chances I have been granted. I believe in redemption because I have been given it so many times.
All that being said I want nothing more than to have my wife and family together. I would give anything for that to happen except living in an open marriage. I am ashamed to admit I actually considered it to 'save my marriage and family.' I ultimately chose to not betray my values. My wife continued on that path. She said 'face it , the marriage was better for you than for me.' She is divorcing me so I have no choice. I have asked her to withdraw the divorce and she refuses.
I pray daily for strength to weather this crisis and the wisdom to follow His will. I pray for my wife and our kids. I pray for compassion and love for all of us.
I don't know what the future is but I trudge through this life one day at a time. When I am upset and angry I do my best to keep my mouth shut like I did yesterday. I did not say a word but just tried to comfort my kids and drove us home and kept the banter light and fun. I cannot be condemned if I keep my mouth shut right?? All I can do is walk away.
My wife has made her choices, choices that I don't agree with but they are hers to make. I am so very sorry she did not choose us.
I have not rushed to divorce but it is getting closer. I am ok with it at this point. It will be my greatest disappointment in this life.
The door is always open to her should she ever wake up. She has not asked for forgiveness but she is mortal and I forgive her anyway. She must think she is doing what is right for her.
Although I am broken and traumatized, my children need me plus I know I will have another chance to live again with happiness.
Beach with kids Packed up lunches and swim suits and towels and off we go. I know we will have an adventure!
Re: scuzzy AP - I have no idea if she is still with her common law wife or not. She may have moved out so she can start her new life with my W. I just don't know - not that it matters in any way - I just didn't want to misrepresent anything.
Definitely right now one big advantage of the AP is the obvious emotional *space* she can give your W while still retaining a romantic outlet. That's what you're competing against.
In an affair, the spouse is competing against the honeymoon period of New Love: lots of compliments, everyone on their best behavior, the love life gets priority over the rest of life, the rush of emotions, the thrill of new conquest and discovery.....it's a LOT for a familiar spouse who has full knowledge of the offending spouse's shortcomings to measure up to.
I think the idea of prancing around flirtatiously, playing nice, smelling good all the time, etc, in order to lure a spouse away from an AP is detestable. But, perhaps it's necessary. When we have kids, we signed up to make ourselves vulnerable to detestable things. Not serial adultery. Not getting smacked around. Not decades of being yelled at....we didn't sign up for those things. But we did sign up for SOME seasons of repugnance for the good of our kids.
We must detach from the little hurts our spouse tosses our way. We must detach from their actions. We must detach from all the pain and from having any control over the future in any way. Our spouse in mlc simply DOES NOT AND CAN NOT care what anyone else wants or needs right now. They will throw out the baby with the bathwater to try to assuage the swirl of crisis going on inside them right now. If we put any restrictions or guilt on them, they will run away like we're chasing them with an axe.
So, yes, I totally agree. Detach and be breezy like a confident new love would be. But stay loving, complimentary, and interested, like a new love would be. I do not believe you can do this alone. God never intended for you to manage this difficult thing alone. Pray often for peace.
Hmm....every time I comment, I give a big Fourth of July speech. Sorry. I'm very caught up in this from reading through the whole story. It seems to me that 8 months is a very short time to be going to court already. A bit more stalling may be the thing that solves everything. Some problems can *only* be solved over time. 9 women can't make a baby in 1 month.
^^^This is extra inspirational this morning. Thanks for this!
I couldn't agree more about how inspirational this is. Thanks, DJin!
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I know you don't have a lot of options right now, HD. I understand she is running the show with continuing the divorce.
Remember time changes everything. In time glaciers become rivers and mountains become riverbeds. Heal a little every day. I truly recommend putting a hold on the proceedings until you both heal some. If she wants to delay to save money for an attorney, that could buy you a lot of time. Six months is a loooong time in a situation like this. A lot of good could happen in six months.
Think over the difference between keeping a hard line ("she WILL give up her AP completely or I will not mediate or be her friend!") and leaving room for her to work her way back to you without destroying her ego -- which is massive right now due to both the affair and the mlc.
Don't you think she's playing you and the AP off of each other even if she doesn't realize it? When the AP disappoints her in any way, she reaches out to you. When you disappoint her, she reaches back to the AP. The AP keeps her from having to look at her own role in this debacle she's created.
You are pouring a lot of judgment on her. You tell her she MUST get rid of her AP (to her, this is no longer an AFFAIR, this is her future second wife. She sees this as you asking her to leave her fiancé in order to go to mediation with you. Of COURSE she's not going to do that.) You tell her this break up of the family is her fault. (BLAME is not your friend here, however well deserved it may be.) If your son cries, it's HER fault. If you're fraught, it's HER fault. There is too much judgment and blame.
Whether she deserves it or not isn't the point. I would have different words for her if she were here. But she's not here, you are. And you came here not to learn how to be a hard nose in your D, but to learn how you might save your M.
If I were your friend irl, I would come by yer place and bring you dinner and listen to you vent and really hear you and validate you and then I would take you and your kids out for fun to forget everything for a while and feel better.
But that's not my role in your story. We are e-friends on a site you came to for support to save your marriage. I COULD tell you how to be tough and stay stong in your divorce. I've been thru that. I could advise you on that excellently. But, it's not why you originally came here and I don't think it's in your best interests or the best interests of your children right now.
There is much lofty talk about having to have a lawyer "for the good of the children" and having no choice about the divorce going forward.
If we're honest, we'd see that's disingenuous. For the children's "good" would they rather have money or intact parents raising them together in love and respect?
There IS a choice about the speed of the divorce. She's asked for 6 months. You have a choice there. It is YOUR choice to not delay the divorce. Of COURSE she says you're controlling everything. She looks at how it's affecting HER just as you are looking at how everything is affecting YOU.
I GET IT that this sux and is completely unfair. Why should YOU give in even more? Well, because you're the one you can control. And you're the one who wants to save the marriage if it can be healthy. And you're the one here on this forum.
Just take a few days to think it over. I see you doing "more of the same" that isn't working. A 180 isn't always detaching and NC. The 180 is the OPPOSITE of the "more of the same" behavior that hasn't been working.
Think over some action oriented, short term goals for your situation. Your goals are for working toward what you REALLY want. Is what you really want is to have a huge victory in your divorce? Or is what you really want is to heal your parental relationship? Set short term goals for what you REALLY want.
THEN analyze what you've been doing that ISN'T working. I don't think NC is working for you. I think NC when she is rude, IS working. But, when she's reaching out, reach back. Remind her she has a home with you if she wants it. Now, you may say she has to choose you or the AP if she decides to come home, or maybe not. That's a prayerful decision.
Choose your 180's from what ISN'T working. And you won't know unless you choose something specific and stick to it for a bit and track the slow progress.
Remember what happened with kramer and his W. Out of nowhere, she came back. 11th hour, she changed her mind. That story could be yours.
What will this episode in your life be called 10 years from now? Will it be:
That Story About The Time I Was A Hero and Saved Our Family When I Brought Your Mom Back From Hell
Or will it be:
The Reason We Divorced and My Kids Only See Me Every Other Christmas
Do NOT let your pain right now make this decision for you. You NEED to heal more before you proceed with this D, imo.
Love and hugs. #anotherJuly4thSpeech
M: 16y 3 adult kids, 2 young kids H filed D May/15, no svc yet Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends? ~ Abe Lincoln WAKE UP. WORK HARD. FORGIVE. REPEAT.
Sounds like a fantastic day, Heavy! On the one hand, having young kids makes all this so much harder. On the other, having young kids puts everything in perspective. I remember, from my first divorce.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Enjoy your time with them!
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
