Definitely right now one big advantage of the AP is the obvious emotional *space* she can give your W while still retaining a romantic outlet. That's what you're competing against.
In an affair, the spouse is competing against the honeymoon period of New Love: lots of compliments, everyone on their best behavior, the love life gets priority over the rest of life, the rush of emotions, the thrill of new conquest and discovery.....it's a LOT for a familiar spouse who has full knowledge of the offending spouse's shortcomings to measure up to.
I think the idea of prancing around flirtatiously, playing nice, smelling good all the time, etc, in order to lure a spouse away from an AP is detestable. But, perhaps it's necessary. When we have kids, we signed up to make ourselves vulnerable to detestable things. Not serial adultery. Not getting smacked around. Not decades of being yelled at....we didn't sign up for those things. But we did sign up for SOME seasons of repugnance for the good of our kids.
We must detach from the little hurts our spouse tosses our way. We must detach from their actions. We must detach from all the pain and from having any control over the future in any way. Our spouse in mlc simply DOES NOT AND CAN NOT care what anyone else wants or needs right now. They will throw out the baby with the bathwater to try to assuage the swirl of crisis going on inside them right now. If we put any restrictions or guilt on them, they will run away like we're chasing them with an axe.
So, yes, I totally agree. Detach and be breezy like a confident new love would be. But stay loving, complimentary, and interested, like a new love would be. I do not believe you can do this alone. God never intended for you to manage this difficult thing alone. Pray often for peace.
Hmm....every time I comment, I give a big Fourth of July speech. Sorry. I'm very caught up in this from reading through the whole story. It seems to me that 8 months is a very short time to be going to court already. A bit more stalling may be the thing that solves everything. Some problems can *only* be solved over time. 9 women can't make a baby in 1 month.
M: 16y 3 adult kids, 2 young kids H filed D May/15, no svc yet Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends? ~ Abe Lincoln WAKE UP. WORK HARD. FORGIVE. REPEAT.
