An update, an end and the beginning

[susana4]

Hello DB friends, I promised some updates and here we are. It's hard to believe it but I am leaving for Spain in just a few days!

I found out this week that I got a flat there. It's actually slightly bigger than the flat H and i have been living in in London, and slightly cheaper, even though I'll be paying the rent on my own! It's actually even cheaper than my half of the rent in London.(London prices!) The neighbourhood is great and all my Spanish friends tell me it's the best place to be. Plus it has a patio which means I can finally have a small garden! And those of you who remember me know that I LOVE cooking, and I'm really excited because the flat has a completely new kitchen/appliances.

I've left my job that I hated in London and I've never been happier career-wise although it's only been 2 weeks. I've already started some freelance work for a friend who owns a business, which I'll be able to continue in Spain because it's all online. I think I've found a puppy to adopt when I get to Spain, too! I've wanted a dog forever but was never allowed one anywhere i lived in London.

I spoke to my doctor last week and I am transitioning off ADs, he said normally they'd advise staying on longer but he thinks I am doing well enough I can come off, which makes me very happy.

So all in all, life is good. H has continued to tell me he loves me, and he'll miss me, and he'll miss living with me. This week has been so emotional, we've packed up our whole house and both cried a lot.

He's moving in with his 20 year old party friend...this guy from his work who's basically his drinking buddy. Last night he was telling me the flat is disgusting and he hasn't even seen his room! Then told me he'd much rather live here with me... *sigh* I wanted to shout at him that this was HIS choice, but I'm so done with that. It just goes to show how f***ed up he still is, and how he needs to sort his head out.

I'm upgrading my life and he's downgrading, and I think at some point he'll regret that...

I have to admit that the last few weeks and months have been some of the hardest of my life.. *but* it does get better, just like everyone says... You don't believe it in the beginning but it does. However I am in no way ready for a relationship and don't think I'll be for a very, very long time. I honestly don't know how or if I can ever trust anyone again, given how out of the blue and confusing this whole thing with H is and how to this day he *still* can't tell me what went wrong (he said to me the other night he still doesn't understand why he feels he can't be with me, and he wishes that he'd been able to talk to me about it before BD so we could work on it - but that he didn't understand what he was feeling or how or when it happened). So, anyone who tells me they're happy is going to fill me with doubt and I don't know how I can form any sort of decent relationship with that in my head! But, I think I will be single for a long while, and if i get lonely at least i will have the puppy as company.

I want to thank all of you again for all your support, advice, hand-holding and 2x4s during the darkest months of my life. For those of you out there who are just starting your journey -- when they tell you it gets better no matter what way it turns out, it seems impossible to believe, but it's true. Just have the courage to take decisions that may seem scary, and you never know, you might do the things you've wanted to do forever but were too scared to. Now is the time to make the leap, life is short and you don't want to have any regrets - leave those to your WAS.