Let Go VI

[DJin]

I think she's perhaps all talk about being so ready for D. I think she's freaking out and doesn't know WHAT she wants.

It sounds like things cannot be perfect with her AP. She's getting some kind of validation or ego boost from that relationship and that's why she's keeping it. But, it's not fulfilling everything because she hasn't detached from you. If she's easily angered by you as she clearly is, then she still cares. She still wants friendship from you, she still wants you to *hear* her complaints about you.

It's hard to stomach that someone who cheated and is still cheating also gets to have complaints. I was reading the infidelity section of DR today about this. There is a section about what to do if the affair continues and/or the offending spouse is unrepentant.

If this is mlc, it may take years for her to wise up and get back to normalish....the way a teenager takes years to transition out of mood swings....

I still say I think this is just a season in your M. An affair is often just a season. A really, really horrific, crappy season.

I'm a complete hypocrite because I get very upset and full of blame and self righteousness in my situation and I don't even know of any affair. I speak only of an ideal mindset for divorce busting -- not to what I personally am able to consistently accomplish.

I see a lot of divorce SUPPORT here and less divorce BUSTING support. Yes, protect your kids, keep your L, detach enough for your W to have her space to be whatever without it hurting you....but, what if she DID want to come back, even just a little? Is there an opening for her to do so and still save face?

The idea may be repugnant to you most if not all of the time, considering the kind of person she's been recently. But what about the person she was for 20 years? What if pieces of that person are still there, buried under this terrible, terrible crisis?

I wonder, if she does want to be friends....is that her ego-saving way of still wanting you in her life? Of course she doesn't DESERVE to be your friend right now....but, divorce busting isn't about what our spouse DESERVES, it's about fighting to be happy instead of fighting to be right.

I don't question that you are right. But, if we put that aside....if we are like the Savior to the woman taken in adultery and we do not condemn even when condemnation is deserved and just....if she came back, even just as a friend now and maybe little bits more here and there until maybe a few years from now there is a healthy, happy M again....wouldn't that be a triumph for you and your kids?

I have just about the best divorce a person could have from my first H. I did the D myself, I got full physical and legal custody of the kid, XH mostly left us alone and sometimes paid support. I got a new H who is an awesome dad and a perfect H until six months ago.

And it was STILL really, really hard. As wretched as my first M was....his drug use, his failure to hold down a job, him using all our mortgage money on drugs and partying and me bailing him out of jail over and over...in addition to the whoring around and lying and manipulation and all the crap......there are few who would say I was not 100% right to divorce him.

But I still realized, much, much later....there were things I could have done differently that could have helped a LOT. I was an awesome wife and mother. But I was sanctimonious about his behavior. I didn't need to be that way. I could have praised what was good more and harped on the very, very bad less. Cuz harping was a cheeseless tunnel. And maybe if I'd done that, it would have gradually, gradually gotten better and I wouldn't have had to send my kid away every other Christmas to the person who, through D, I'd made into my worst enemy in the world. We regret our hastiness to rush to the courthouse when our children cry.

Anyway, I know this is a very personal decision. But, if you have a chance to keep yer L and drag out the process so she has some time to recover and you have some time to recover....it will make for a better, less acrimonious D...or possibly it will give your M a chance to recover.

Don't believe anything she says. The A is making her crazy. Affairs make people crazy. MLC makes people crazy. She full of crazy right now.

In the story of Hercules and Morpheous, Hercules needs to force Morpheous to tell him the future as one of his tasks. Morpheous doesn't like telling the future, so whenever someone grabs him, Morpheous changes into many different scary monsters, trying to frighten the person into letting go. Hercules knows this and must brave himself into holding on through every monster, because he KNOWS the monsters aren't real -- it's Morpheous underneath who is real. And finally Morpheous gives up and tells Hercules the future.

Our spouses are Morpheous right now. Can we hold on through all of their monsters? Cuz, if you remarry, I promise your next spouse will have a Morpheous sometime too.

I just want for you what you ultimately want: an intact family for your children.

Love and hugs.