That lady singing - is she fat?

[Pyrite]

The friends I am visiting (20+ old friends) are the best company I couldv’e wished for. Massively (almost insanely) relaxed lifestyle. On the beach with the kids, cool Grandma lives in adjoining unit – so always minimum 3 adults around. Mature, intelectual, enlightened, challenging, supportive, conversation. Even when it is not about my situation! I really am, incredibly lucky. It is a shame they are a plane ride away. This has been the best week in memory.

If I was to burden you with a detailed description of everything that has passed, I’m sure you would be amazed and envious. My friends W, who is my friend of 20 years as well, has spent her life around mental illness, she also worked in a mental health call center, and although not a trained psychologist - she could be. She has been a wealth of support and knowledge.

Our ongoing joke is the 2 Rs I have my eyes set on for the future. And whilst this is a bit of a joke between us it is an incredibly exciting prospect. And it is something I could not have imagined last week for example. And it is real. I can’t be bothered pretending or avoiding that this week has been anything less than one big bender. This is the most efficient way to set this scene for this demonstration.

There have been several moments where this has occurred – “somebody spoke and I went into a dream” (for Beatles fans). For example, my friend was talking about taking his boss out for lunch to discuss a semi-personal ambition blah blah blah. Anyway, I went off on a tangent and was imagining one of these potential Rs, taking her out to lunch etc. And I was fully there. When my mate had finished talking, I had to ask him to repeat, and explained the tangent I went off on.

My point is, that whilst this might be viewed or dismissed as a pot fuelled hallucination, the important thing is that whatever the source of medication was, the result was where I want to be. Not necessarily or limited to day-dreaming about dating, or limited to such obvious and perhaps grossly over bearing forms of medication. My earlier medication example involved simply imagining a better scenario. The point is the result, and once this result has been achieved, even once, it can be invoked by any other means.

Also of extreme significance to me is that I drifted off into this daydream of other woman almost sub-consciously. The point is that this “good stuff” is in my mind. I am capable, it is there and within grasp, just it is buried beneath grief, 12 years with W etc.

My friend pointed out that this is the point in writing about how you feel as a technique to get through this. Everytime you tell the story again, or an addition to the story, and re-read it, or re-experience it through another’s story it becomes increasingly more familiar as a story, as a set of circumstances, rather than an overwhelming emotional cage. And that has been exactly what my writing letters (10% actually sent) has been about AND absolutely participating on these boards.

So, again – thank-you to all my friends here. You have all helped save my life.