The end

[mustardseed]

Msd

I am really pleased about the 12 steps program, in essence I believe it fits beautifully with DB.

I see step 1 as detachment plus. Acceptance to me was a big deal and it helped me breathe quite a lot more easily. I felt unburdened if that makes sense, in many ways I felt connected to the continuum of the 12 step room and the beginning of my higher power.

Despite all I achieve my first tiny door open to Serenity. It was an important moment and a milestone on my recovery road. I am sure there will be many more.

You don't have to let go Msd but you can choose to do it.

I am so happy for you.

V

I completely understand what you are saying about step one being detachment +. It also makes sense how the advice on these boards and in the books--DR and DB--is that the changes are for me (you), not for WAS. I was reading in one of my alanon books regarding step one, and one thing that struck me was how when we make changes we invoke changes in others--however we have no control over what those changes will be, and they may not be the changes we want. That was another eye opening realization for me. That was what caused me to slip with my DBing before. Because I notice some positive changes in him based on my changes--but there were also some new changes that I was not expecting and not happy about. It made me give up on my own changes because--hey it isn't working. He isn't becoming who I want him to be. But by me giving up on my changes and reverting to old behaviors it created even more negative changes in both of us.

There is nothing I can do to change him. I can't change his heart. I can't change his choices. I can't change his priorities, or his morals, or his beliefs. I have no control over anything he does. I have control over what I do--for the most part. I need help from my higher power to stay on the right track because sometimes I struggle with letting my emotions take over and falling into my default behaviors.

But I can make the decision to trust God with all of those things that are out of my hands and let my emotions run through me without acting or reacting. I can't be perfect, but I can make the decision to try my best.

I decided I am going to try and get kids into family counseling with me. I need help knowing what to do. I have read all of the dos and don'ts of parenting during this crisis and I have stumbled repeatedly. I don't even know what is right anymore. It makes sense in theory, but in practice it is difficult. Emotions get in the way. I need help, and the kids need help. We are not doing right by them. I am sure H will not be on board, but I am doing it for them, and for me.

I am also going to continue with my IC. It is starting to help--I am taking my 12 step work with me when I go to her. I feel less crazy right now. Knowing that my job is almost over is helping. I can't say that I'm quite so hopeful right now. The future is still so uncertain and scary. But I am certainly not feeling as hopeless as I was a couple of weeks ago.