My point was there really shouldn't be a difference between what you'd do if you give up versus if you stood by your M. So I'd recommend that you do 'give up' on your M. But I also recommend continuing to DB, detach, 180, GAL, and trying to be your best self.
As for feelings, I know you're worn out however I don't recommend steering through these waters using feelings. If you get to change whether you stand by your M or not when you're feeling worn out- how were you upset with her for doing the same thing? My motto is to act with the character you wish she'd had.
Finally- I understand the email was important for you for closure, so you knew you could look back and know you said your piece...but this has been emotionally draining, and it's really hard to detach while spending hours drafting communications to your WAW. And it is easy to take focus off your shortcomings and 180s. Now that that's been done it might be good to shift gears back. Dim. Detached. Personal growth in your other interpersonal relationships. GAL. Etc.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
WW has left to go to her mothers with S9. She says she isn't coming home and we can work out a schedule with S9.
She reckons I'm unstable because of the fight last night.
It's good that S9 isn't amounts the stress but he should be at home.
But guys, I don't see a way back. I'm seriously thinking about throwing in the towel.
Breathe....
You two have had some really intense interactions lately. As Cali said earlier, you two need space to cool off a bit. It is not a bad thing. Your W clearly knows your position on the D and your stance on no contact with the OM in the house.
Yeah, it is no fun at all to get a good dose of W's spew fest splattered all over you. DB has a special discount on spew jackets through Starsky's factory. You might want to order some in bulk.
You two have had some really intense interactions lately. As Cali said earlier, you two need space to cool off a bit. It is not a bad thing. Your W clearly knows your position on the D and your stance on no contact with the OM in the house.
Yeah, it is no fun at all to get a good dose of W's spew fest splattered all over you. DB has a special discount on spew jackets through Starsky's factory. You might want to order some in bulk.
Tomorrow is a new day. Chin up, buddy.
^^^this is great advice, Wonka. Stay strong and focused, NDY. You've been through a lot these last few days.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
WW has left to go to her mothers with S9. She says she isn't coming home and we can work out a schedule with S9.
She reckons I'm unstable because of the fight last night.
It's good that S9 isn't amounts the stress but he should be at home.
But guys, I don't see a way back. I'm seriously thinking about throwing in the towel.
I'm so sorry this happened. How did she relay to you that she thinks you're unstable? I think this needs to be addressed, because it sounds like she is trying to turn the tables on you, especially if she put this in writing. It sounds concerning that she picked a fight, then threatened to call the police, then left when she was unable to get you to leave and call you unstable. That sounds like part of a plan.
Here's what I would do:
If she sent something in writing, I'd refute her claim in writing without hesitation, and describe with very down to earth language how she behaved in anger, tried to shut you out of the house, followed you when you tried to walk away from her to protect S9, how you had to calm S9 down, etc.
I would make it clear that you strongly object to her taking S9 with her from the home without discussing it with you, and that you want her to return him home immediately. She is free to leave, but she is not free to take your child.
I would tell her that you under no circumstances accept that he is with her and OM.
Even if she disregarded everything, you would have it on record that she is acting against your expressed wishes and has taken S9 without your permission. The law considers a lack of objection as an implicit agreement. I would solely focus on S9 in this situation. I think your argument about how he being removed from the home adds stress to his situation, is very good.
For now, I would tell her you intend to keep the home. I'd get a roommate if I had to, in order to manage.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
"can we please stop this cr@p now. This is my thread. Let it go."
First of all, what you fail to understand is how many people 25 has helped. When GB spread those initial lies, it almost seems like it invalidates everything she's done while here. So it's not as simple as "letting go".
Now onto your sitch.
"Ok, lot of help needed tonight.
WW has left to go to her mothers with S9. She says she isn't coming home and we can work out a schedule with S9.
She reckons I'm unstable because of the fight last night."
To a degree she's right, which is why you need to try and keep a calm head as much as possible. Think Clint Eastwood. You are in control. You are comfortable in your shoes as the man and what needs to be done.
"It's good that S9 isn't amounts the stress but he should be at home."
True, but right now that's not the case. Your role is to try and make the transition as easy as possible for him. Let him understand that your home is where YOU are.
"But guys, I don't see a way back. I'm seriously thinking about throwing in the towel."
My W took 3 years before she even could talk to me in a civil manner and there was an OM involved. Only you will know how much you can take. You'd be surprised at how strong you are when you give it a chance.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Quite a lot of posts here to respond to individually but I'd like to thank everyone for their input.
Specifically, I's like to say to painter that yes, this is a game plan from her and yes, I did exactly what you said in my responses. The objections were noted and focused on S9.
I managed a couple of hours sleep last night. I'ts just after 5am here and I've already downed my first coffee.
So, keep up with DB. Stay calm and collected. Ok, I'll do what I can. Clint Eastwood right?
When I left this house, I did it so that we could have space. I left S9 because HE deserved the stability of staying in his own house. WW was of course agreeable with that. Now that she's the one that left leaving S9 behind isn't an option. That's a kicker. He's been put in the middle of this and he doesn't deserve it. This is why I agree with Painter. She's executing a game plan. So the strategy is what? Just stay cool? Ok, I can do that for a bit.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Right. This isn't good. I think you need to see an L immediately. I guess what they are going to say (we're in the same boat here), but she has responsibilities.
I think the best thing to do is draw up that separation order pretty quickly, if you haven't done so already, as that will then give you access. Next, your L should advise you, as she has ran away, on how to deal with the Sherrif. I know an interdict is expensive, but I think in the circumstances they may well be very accomodating.
This is not DB time, this is survival time. Your S will be wondering what the hell is going on and she needs to see that right now. As you're aware, in Scotland you have equal rights to see your S and participate in his well being and how his life is being managed. If W doesn't want to play that game, you've got to go for her.
Drop what you're doing and arrange this now.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Yea, I know. For the next day or so I'm going to heed wonkas advice and just breath. I've already contacted a lawyer so will speak to him again today. I have the familiar knot I'm my stomach so right now I'm trying to let go of the fear and detach. I know my L rights but a few people have said to let both her and I cool off. I think that's good advice.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
OK. I hope S isn't far away from you though. That knot is a persistent little bugger isn't it?
Take it easy. I know exactly how you're feeling right now. Will call in later, got a meeting. Don't do anyting daft - you know what I mean.
NOTICE
Petty squabbling from other posters on here isn't helpful, so do NDY a favour and take it off to your own thread. If you can't add any help, back the f*** off.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Ok, for my own safety I've contacted the L to engage them. Hopefully will hear from them soon so that communications with the WW go through the L instead of privately. I think this is the safest course of action while she's like this. I really think she's up to something (not just because GB said she may but so have others that know my situation).
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
