You are a very peaceful and patienct person V - I so admire those qualities in you.
I am doing my best in the detachment department. I have my kiddos tonight and we have trampoline plans!
Ihave also tried out my first rock pot recipie today - I will keep you posted on if it is edible! It is pork chops with rice - I wanted to keep it simple.
Heavy ... I am always looking for a new Crock-Pot concoction ... so if its a good one I am all ears.
I think by now you are starting to see this control dance your W wants you to dance with her. You are having none of it and good for you. The more I read your sitch, your thoughts, the more I think your W really has some work to do but just will not get there till she hits bottom. My W was the same way, I seen it for what it was, detached and considered her a mere science project .. then she started the reconnection portion and I went into a mini tail spin ... this thing is a real booger to navigate sometimes but you are doing very well.
Thanks you for the encouragement. It feels good as I feel you "get it".
Crock pock recipies - hahhaha - how 70's can a person get right? By the time we get home kids are really hungry and I am too tired to cook a proper meal. Crock pot to the rescue!
You can put it on low in the morning and is ready to eat when you walk in the door at 5:30. You can use rice, potato's carrots, just about any vegetable and or meat - chicken, pork, beef. A can of broth or cream of mushroom soup just makes it better.
As for W hitting bottom, who know when that will be if ever. She thinks this is all perfectly normal. I am still doing the IC which helps me process my emotions better and am going way outside of my comfort zone of living my life but I am doing it. Regretfully I did not buy the motorcycle!!!
Yes, she has thrown everything at me, to get me to drop my L which I find oddly amusing. Inever tell her which way I am going to go with it, I just look at her and listen to her crazy talk.
Sit and spin is my new motto. Hey, that could be my new thread title. Like it?
Ok I will try that ... my latest was Chicken, can of corn, black beans, Salsa ... kind of a southwest mix over white rice and its quite good .... pfffft 70's like I care, I love to eat!!!
Thing about bottom, they chase 'happiness', yours like mine and others is in a state of denial-euphoria.... and in my case W has been after it for some time, even before BD, was the new car, new job, this camera, that camera ... then OM, then this new career, then taking this class, going to this group, and on and on.
Then during the holidays I think it hit her, none of those ^^^^^ things were there, and none of those things made her happy ... it was Early Nov when I finally got the "I've made a mess of my life" talk. That's when she started as far as I can tell to do the work ... Mar she stopped the D talks and to this point .. I feel she is figuring herself out but does not want to 'commit' to the M just yet ... for me I am ok with that .. its a better hell than last year, and like you ... IC and this place helped me deal with the emotional battles from it all.
She is pulling that L thing .. and the control bit on you just to pull strings, its what they do ... mine would bring up the D during the WORST times I swear ... I recall the TM "Hey can you grab S's Bday cake tonight and I will bring some D docs for you to sign" And yeah .. no clue as to why I would be upset. I swear its emotional terrorism at times .... its gets better when you start looking at the humor in it ... that's what I tell myself anyways.
She is pulling that L thing .. and the control bit on you just to pull strings, its what they do ... mine would bring up the D during the WORST times I swear ... I recall the TM "Hey can you grab S's Bday cake tonight and I will bring some D docs for you to sign" And yeah .. no clue as to why I would be upset.
What?! Did she really say that ^^ Cali? And what happened with that? How did you dodge out of that one?
She is pulling that L thing .. and the control bit on you just to pull strings, its what they do ... mine would bring up the D during the WORST times I swear ... I recall the TM "Hey can you grab S's Bday cake tonight and I will bring some D docs for you to sign" And yeah .. no clue as to why I would be upset.
What?! Did she really say that ^^ Cali? And what happened with that? How did you dodge out of that one?
Yup ... I could write a book on MLC crazy I obviously wanted to hulk smash my phone... Took a walk and just ignored it, was a time she was searching for new buttons to push as I was slowly removing them one by one
Heavy, crock pot - pot roast is one of the favorites in the house, can't go wrong.
The button pushing will continue as long as you let it. Still get the sideways look when wife says something she KNOWS will irritate me (which I don't let that happen anymore). Water off the ducks back...sit and spin I like that too.
So pick up of the kids today was terrible. S9 started crying and w went through this showy phoney comfort of soothing him. I felt like screaming '. You are the one that is hurting him with your bs selfish choices!!!
But I didnt - just ignored her and got them into their car seats and said hey guys ready to jump on the trampoline?? Let's go have some fun! Fluffy the dog has really missed you. He stopped crying as soon as I drove away without looking back.
We tore into our supper played Bb games and kicked the soccer ball around when we got home.
All of this pain for nothing. What a selfish mean person she is right now.
I think she's perhaps all talk about being so ready for D. I think she's freaking out and doesn't know WHAT she wants.
It sounds like things cannot be perfect with her AP. She's getting some kind of validation or ego boost from that relationship and that's why she's keeping it. But, it's not fulfilling everything because she hasn't detached from you. If she's easily angered by you as she clearly is, then she still cares. She still wants friendship from you, she still wants you to *hear* her complaints about you.
It's hard to stomach that someone who cheated and is still cheating also gets to have complaints. I was reading the infidelity section of DR today about this. There is a section about what to do if the affair continues and/or the offending spouse is unrepentant.
If this is mlc, it may take years for her to wise up and get back to normalish....the way a teenager takes years to transition out of mood swings....
I still say I think this is just a season in your M. An affair is often just a season. A really, really horrific, crappy season.
I'm a complete hypocrite because I get very upset and full of blame and self righteousness in my situation and I don't even know of any affair. I speak only of an ideal mindset for divorce busting -- not to what I personally am able to consistently accomplish.
I see a lot of divorce SUPPORT here and less divorce BUSTING support. Yes, protect your kids, keep your L, detach enough for your W to have her space to be whatever without it hurting you....but, what if she DID want to come back, even just a little? Is there an opening for her to do so and still save face?
The idea may be repugnant to you most if not all of the time, considering the kind of person she's been recently. But what about the person she was for 20 years? What if pieces of that person are still there, buried under this terrible, terrible crisis?
I wonder, if she does want to be friends....is that her ego-saving way of still wanting you in her life? Of course she doesn't DESERVE to be your friend right now....but, divorce busting isn't about what our spouse DESERVES, it's about fighting to be happy instead of fighting to be right.
I don't question that you are right. But, if we put that aside....if we are like the Savior to the woman taken in adultery and we do not condemn even when condemnation is deserved and just....if she came back, even just as a friend now and maybe little bits more here and there until maybe a few years from now there is a healthy, happy M again....wouldn't that be a triumph for you and your kids?
I have just about the best divorce a person could have from my first H. I did the D myself, I got full physical and legal custody of the kid, XH mostly left us alone and sometimes paid support. I got a new H who is an awesome dad and a perfect H until six months ago.
And it was STILL really, really hard. As wretched as my first M was....his drug use, his failure to hold down a job, him using all our mortgage money on drugs and partying and me bailing him out of jail over and over...in addition to the whoring around and lying and manipulation and all the crap......there are few who would say I was not 100% right to divorce him.
But I still realized, much, much later....there were things I could have done differently that could have helped a LOT. I was an awesome wife and mother. But I was sanctimonious about his behavior. I didn't need to be that way. I could have praised what was good more and harped on the very, very bad less. Cuz harping was a cheeseless tunnel. And maybe if I'd done that, it would have gradually, gradually gotten better and I wouldn't have had to send my kid away every other Christmas to the person who, through D, I'd made into my worst enemy in the world. We regret our hastiness to rush to the courthouse when our children cry.
Anyway, I know this is a very personal decision. But, if you have a chance to keep yer L and drag out the process so she has some time to recover and you have some time to recover....it will make for a better, less acrimonious D...or possibly it will give your M a chance to recover.
Don't believe anything she says. The A is making her crazy. Affairs make people crazy. MLC makes people crazy. She full of crazy right now.
In the story of Hercules and Morpheous, Hercules needs to force Morpheous to tell him the future as one of his tasks. Morpheous doesn't like telling the future, so whenever someone grabs him, Morpheous changes into many different scary monsters, trying to frighten the person into letting go. Hercules knows this and must brave himself into holding on through every monster, because he KNOWS the monsters aren't real -- it's Morpheous underneath who is real. And finally Morpheous gives up and tells Hercules the future.
Our spouses are Morpheous right now. Can we hold on through all of their monsters? Cuz, if you remarry, I promise your next spouse will have a Morpheous sometime too.
I just want for you what you ultimately want: an intact family for your children.
Love and hugs.
M: 16y 3 adult kids, 2 young kids H filed D May/15, no svc yet Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends? ~ Abe Lincoln WAKE UP. WORK HARD. FORGIVE. REPEAT.
And what happened with that? How did you dodge out of that one?