The end

[mustardseed]

Met with my lawyer today. Apparently his lawyer is continuing to carry on in a strange unorthodox way. Giving deadlines on returning documents that she never sends. Trying to intimidate my lawyer into going along with things that make no sense.

Still no petition of divorce. I really don't understand what the hold up is. Unless they are trying to bait me. I get the sense that H has been trying. He has been leaving his phone out while he goes out for a smoke, but watching me. I have been good. I still slip and feel the need to express my opinions about things, but I realize now that there is a method to the madness he and his lawyer (and probably OW) have created. Time to let go. So my lawyer is giving them until the end of the day, and then we are going to serve him with the petition I signed today. I feel ready to move on. It is time for me to bury the marriage I thought I had. It is time for me to accept that the man I married is dead--and the imposter is not someone worth my time. Mourn and move on.

I went to a step meeting for alanon this week and it was step one. When I started going to meetings a year ago I thought step one was a no brainer, but I realized this week that I understand it cognitively but I don't really accept it as truth. I also realized that while I never considered myself as controlling, which is why I thought I had step one down pat--accept the things I can't control--I always seemed to take responsibility for things that had nothing to do with me. Which in a way was believe I had control over things that had nothing to do with me. For example, if someone is in a bad mood, I always wonder what I did to cause it. Or even with this job, I am finally just accepting that it isn't so much my failure and inadequacy, as it was an impossible situation set up for failure. Of course it seems like such a humble and selfless way to be--everything in the world is my fault--however, it is also a very self-centered way of thinking. Why do I think everything has to do with me?

So in a way, while I never thought of myself as controlling, my need to take responsibility for everything that goes wrong is telling myself that I am in control of everything that happens. So, the very important piece that is lacking in my step one work--is the ACCEPTANCE. Accepting that there are so many things that are beyond my control. That means that not everything is my fault. It also means that there is absolutely NOTHING I can do about those things. I have to let go, and focus on me.

It really felt like a breakthrough. For the first time I think I get why the first step is a struggle. i thought it was easy--a no brainer--but that's because I really didn't get it. I also believed that I came into the program ready for step four. The first three seemed so easy. I am sure I will discover more surprises as I work my way through them. It really was an eye opening experience to realize that I really didn't "get it". I still don't quite get it, but at least now I realize that I don't.

No anxiety. Anger is still there, but it feels a touch less intense and powerful today. Maybe I am on my way.