Abuse from a partner is not fixed through DR

[Vanilla]

This is a very interesting discussion Cadet.

MLC abuse strikes me as situational. The individual is transiting a life crisis and as a consequences exhibits abusive behaviour. Most often once the MLC abates the abuse is gone.

The type of abuse that I experienced is the result of a controlling personality and that is unlikely to ever change. These types of Abusers move from one victim to another. This is a control issue not a crisis issue.

It occurs as a result of personality not situational. It is very hard for this type of abuser to change. They abuse because it achieves the result they need, control. They generally charm then abuse and repeat this cycle.

There are several levels of abusive behaviour and with this type of abuser there is escalation as they require more control. It is not always physical abuse but there is a definitive cycle. With a consistent escalation. It is deliberate and patterned. It repeats and it is predictable. It doesn't start suddenly in midlife, it begins from childhood and is lifelong. These abuses blame those they abuse and it is in their interest to have a source of narcissist supply. In other words the abuse makes the abuser feel good and better about themselves. When thwarted the abuser will often lash or intimidate to get what they need. They may even have a midlife crisis as well!

Abusers often use alcohol as a choice to excuse abuse, that too is control. They may also have addictions, and self control issues.

DB is many things, in and of itself it is that which works, providing and giving access to resources to assist in that growth, personal development and to repair marriage and relationships. It has it's philosophy and club rules. I agree Cadet that it is a Peer to Peer group, with the wisdom of crowds.

There are some situations, abuse, compulsion and addiction that require additional resources extra to DB. Abuse counselling is available but often that requires an initial acknowledgement of the abuse. A recognition of it in the sitch is essential, either by self discovery or by uncovering it through the process of DB and the discussions that follow. For me that was very traumatic and dramatic.

I am sure that with hindsight this is clear. There is a chain process through which we in peer to peer patterning help each other. I do read MLC threads and rarely do I see this escalation and pattern abuse.

Do I see abuse in many MLC sitches? Yes, I do, situational abuse, MLC starts and abuse begins, some awful behaviours too, denial of As, ranting, spewing and lying. This behaviour has a starting point and in many cases a finishing point. The type of abuse I experienced and I believe Z was also subject is not situational. These abuses will not have an end there is no crisis to be over. This is a personality issue. It traumatises and is hard to escape from. In fact my family and friends are truly relieved my M is over, in some cases warning me to be sure to protect myself in case there is revenge.

Sadly this is where I find myself, repairing myself and my very damaged sitch. It may take years to do this. The abuser feels justified in his abuse in his words 'I deserved it', and he 'doesn't care'. There is no conflict in the abuser, this wasn't a loving H who had a crisis. This was an abuser who targeted me and will go on to target another. Likely behaving in the same way. He certainly abused before.

Applying DB made the abuse much worse as it represents lack of control to the abuser. That applies to almost all techniques. The abuser enjoys the distress and confusion of the abused as it represents more control. So in that sense DB did work as it created so much distress that the abuse became evident even to me.

I need DB and I want to recover, this recovery is only just beginning. It may take many years to rebuild from the trauma and I need every tool I need. I for one am prepared to pay it forward. Like Z am prepared to work with this. But I am no vet, and I am very new in recovery, I haven't pieced and my M is truly defunct. I am in love with an abuser and traumatised by the abuse.

Several times other posters have asked me to examine sitches where there is clear abuse and/or addiction. In Z case, Susanna and Ralliced for AHW? There are several posters here who are recovering from addiction and repairing their R, DBing as LBS, they too deserve all the help and support they can.

MLC is a specific condition with its own patterns with cheese less tunnels and replay. The abusers we discuss here know where the cheese is and will do everything to get it. They are not in cheese less tunnels they have all the cheese and intend to keep it all. They take away another's cheese. They don't like the WAS to walk away because they loose control of the cheese. They will keep going until they need to move on to the next source of cheese.

As Z says living in this abusive type of R is trauma and destruction.

Z we are hijacking your thread with this. Are you willing to start a thread, identifying abuse in R and how DB can be positive in recovery and repair?

V