Heartbroken and Despondent?

[DifRent]

HeavyD, thanks for checking in.

Something shifted for me yesterday. I really took a long hard look at my W, and who she has been for the past month and a half or so. As I've been taking the DB advice from the book, here on the boards, and my coach, I realize that one thing is very true: you must attract and draw your spouse back in. You can't plead, play the victim, show weakness, none of those things. You must be attractive.

So I was thinking what does she find attractive... and especially what does she find attractive about the OW? Well, she's got a good job, she's financially stable, and for my Albanian socialist raised wife, that kind of stability = happiness. She thinks. The OW is providing for the moment a fantastic distraction from all the things that have been crashing down around my W.

On the other hand, she looks at me and she sees a former partner in business and in life, thus single and sad and unemployed. She associates me with the failure to date of our business. She sees nothing in me that gives her the dopamine hits of sexting, dating, concerts, picnics, romantic dinners, beach trips... she looks at me and sees everything she wants to escape. Right now, her escape hatch is incredibly superficial - as any escape hatch would be. And, her understanding of stability is very superficial, too.

So for a while, I was thinking: if she's going to ever find me attractive again, I don't just need a job - I need a really good one, one that denotes power and prestige and a "competitive" income. And it's funny... when she met me, I had a job that she saw that way, as a school principal. (I even built the school.) But I never saw my own job that way. I saw my job as a labor of love, a place of servant leadership, not power or prestige. And certainly not money!

But no... here's the thing that struck me. Stability IS important to her, but that doesn't necessarily mean lots of money, or a powerful job. It can mean a simpler life, and priorities rightly ordered. And honestly, that's more who I am... and deep down, who I think she is, too.

She went to see the documentary "Happy" at the OW's house a few weeks back, when she was still appearing to be a bit more confused, conflicted, and with one foot still in my door. I asked her how the movie was, and she said it made her rethink what happiness really is... that it doesn't take much for anyone to be happy. Indeed this is true... it's even something we've spoken of many times. We could have fixed what's wrong together, but she cracked before we had the chance.

So if I am to attract her, I need to be fully and authentically who I am - the spiritually grounded lover of simplicity. I know she finds that attractive, but I have to cultivate it and really just be me. If she wants that person again, she will get back to her true self. Because the person she is right now doesn't want that. And I don't want her.

I am hoping that as we separate, I can quickly do something I've always wanted to do: buy a little piece of land and put down a sustainable tiny house, mortgage free. With the boys moving out, I have that freedom now. And that kind of freedom will allow me to do so many things I've put on the shelf while building a business that I didn't much care about, but thought would be the foundation for our life together.

If she never comes around, then I will be moving forward with a much more authentic life than I think we've been living the past year, and I will find peace and my own happiness... in fact, just the thought of it has brought me a certain peace I haven't known since all this began.

But if she is temporarily insane, and this fantasy she's living begins to come crashing down, and the kind and loving woman I really believe her to be emerges again, she will look for the real stability that comes from being with a person of integrity, authenticity, faithfulness, and commitment. She will see not the person she sees now, but truly, the real me. Will I take her back? If my real W returns, yes... in that long, slow process of reconciliation that will have to be on my terms. But in true DB fashion, I can't think too much about all that right now. I need to get right with myself, and with God.

God did provide some peace today for me. I have seen my first ray of hope in a long time.

Thanks again, Heavy... and everyone here.