Mediation as part of a D process with an L has a soundness. No one would ever suggest dropping an L in any case. There is a place for both. I would add that mediation is considered essential here in the UK in some divorce cases, Judges won't hear a case unless it has been undertaken.
It slows the process.
V
Yes, that is right. The problem here is that W DOES NOT want to meditate with Heavy if she has a lawyer. How crazy is that??
What option does Heavy really have here? The other one from W isn't good: drop her L and she'll meditate. w just wants to control the process and take Heavy to the cleaners. Beside this, W has threatened to take the kids away if Heavy didn't do what W wanted her to do.
So it imperative that Heavy stand firm on the L stance. This is not to say she's ruling out meditation at all. W just won't meditate if there's lawyers involved.
I think I've typed up 3 replies now to various parts of this conversation and deleted them because I didn't like how they came out.
Anyway
I would just say try not to take things so personally HD. WW is on a journey to find herself, to fix herself. Yes, she is destroying the family, but it wasn't her intention when she set out. This isn't about you, its about her and always has been. Even if this path is the wrong answer to her problems, sometimes we need those failures to see the right answer that's been blind to us. If you keep thinking about the emails of how deeply in love they are or how she says she isn't in love with you anymore the frustration/anger will continue to get worse. Let go and have her figure this out without putting unneeded pressure on her anymore.
Last edited by Fogg; 06/09/1511:31 PM.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Can I briefly outline one of my recent mediations (as opposed to arbitration, which is about settling a dispute and in which both parties agree to the arbitrators settlement).
The two parties A and B outlined their view of their sitch (in this case they weren't married). This arrived by email. I read both and asked questions of each party.
I discovered common ground and emailed that I felt there were certain facts and certain common ground issues. Then received feedback and adjusted.
Then I emailed again, met with each party separately and then both parties together.
I did a restatement document and looked for further common ground.
I met with each party and then together.
A settlement agreement was drafted and sent to Ls.
I am surprised there was only one mediation session between you. Do you need a different mediator perhaps?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Mediation as part of a D process with an L has a soundness. No one would ever suggest dropping an L in any case. There is a place for both. I would add that mediation is considered essential here in the UK in some divorce cases, Judges won't hear a case unless it has been undertaken.
It slows the process.
V
Yes, that is right. The problem here is that W DOES NOT want to meditate with Heavy if she has a lawyer. How crazy is that??
How does W enforce the mediation result?
What option does Heavy really have here? The other one from W isn't good: drop her L and she'll meditate. w just wants to control the process and take Heavy to the cleaners. Beside this, W has threatened to take the kids away if Heavy didn't do what W wanted her to do.
This threat needs legal force in the UK anyway.
So it imperative that Heavy stand firm on the L stance. This is not to say she's ruling out meditation at all. W just won't meditate if there's lawyers involved.
I confess to my lack of understanding of US law here. Is mediation enforceable in the US without a qualified mediator or L endorsement?.
Is W attempting to mediate without a mediator? In the UK that has no mandate at all. Especially where there are children or land. Unenforceable. Is DIY mediation enforceable in law in the US?
That would be crazy.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
It seems to to me the closer we get to to the D, the more resolute she becomes and hardens her heart becomes. I cannot see how going through this process will make her "reconsider" any of it. Based on her words and actions, this will make her kill any future plans we may or may not have together, whatever our relationship status is.
I guess there is not one thing I can do about it but just be as kind and as cordial and polite as I can be during the process.
So, the question now is if she does not have an attorney that means I have to pay for all of this? Wow. Maybe I can get the attorney to write this into the divorce contract that we split the cost down the middle? Surely that seems fair. if she balks at that I will have to switch to Plan B - which I have not figured out yet.
Yes, a court date has been set but unless we both agree on the terms, the date will be cancelled or rescheduled. The pressure is on but for the record, I am calm, centered and ready for what the next steps are. The decisions I have made are for best interests of me and my kids.
Yeah .. the closer that gets, the more pressure she feels .. so she psychs herself up like she is about to play a championship game .. she is trying to put her game face on.
As far as the fees ... absolutely, you can have that as part of the settlement, this is all in your court and under your control. Protecting yourself and the kids is the only thing to be concerned about and you are on that ... so just watch and wait to see what happens. She may very well need this to move and do the work, sometimes they are stuck at this point and feel its the only way out .... once this is done she will have run out of excuses and be faced to deal with her misery.
Once she gets the letter from my L - there is still time to negotiate. I am amenable to negotiating on anything except 50/50 on kids which is non negotiable.
That will be on the letter and if she and I choose to negotiate or mediate some terms we can do that in my L office.
That could take a while if I wanted it too. So we will still be negotiating up until we sign the paper. We can stop the legal process at any time if she chooses to. Her choice at this point, hire a L or not. Accept the terms or try to negotiate with me and my L.
Based on her behaviors, she is set to "kill" this marriage and move on to her new and happy life.
Once she gets the letter from my L - there is still time to negotiate. I am amenable to negotiating on anything except 50/50 on kids which is non negotiable.
That will be on the letter and if she and I choose to negotiate or mediate some terms we can do that in my L office.
You want to be sure that W either contacts your L directly or secure on herself. I wouldn't push this along UNTIL she makes the first move. Don't facilitate it. w needs to face the consequences of her own choices and she'll find out for herself soon enough.
Sit still and wait. You've done your part by having your L draw up the papers.
Originally Posted By: HeavyD
So we will still be negotiating up until we sign the paper. We can stop the legal process at any time if she chooses to. Her choice at this point, hire a L or not. Accept the terms or try to negotiate with me and my L.
You would want to be sure to negotiate through your L. I only communicated through my L when it came down to negotiations with Ms. Wonka. My L acted as a buffer for me which protected me both emotionally and legally.
To be clear, my wife has served me with divorce paperwork. We tried to mediate but that did not work out.
My L is drawing up my portion of the D paperwork, I will review, approve or not, and upon my approval he mails to W. She will review and either decide to meet with my L and negotiate/mediate or not. This could drag out a while.
My W has told me that she has no funds for a lawyer and asked me to delay the process for about 6 months or so, she can save up funds for her to get her attorney. This may or may not happen given her lack of budgeting skills and her spending her money on AP.
Are you suggesting that I have my lawyer not send the letter and wait until my W saves up funds to hire a L and then proceed?
My feeling is that if I instruct my L to wait until my wife saves up the funds so she can get her own L the that is to my and kids disadvantage.
