First post. Desperate for advice.

[Last]

I don't want divorce. She doesn't either. We both were using it like a big stick to beat each other with. Sort of a nuclear option to get the other partner to snap out of it and LISTEN.

Here are some things that I have done to contribute to our decline:

1. I have a habit of not asserting myself when I think it will cause conflict. I will concede the point and then resent her for it.

2. I have not made quality time with her a priority.

3. I stopped pursuing my wife as a woman. We became more business partners engaged in running the household.

4. I did not take care of my personal health and appearance. Would not try to always look my best for her. Skipping showers & shaving, etc. Let myself develop the mid-life belly. Ate poorly.

5. I did not listen well. She complained of speaking to me and me not reacting. Or we would talk and I would not retain the information. She said it would make her feel unloved.

6. I have a habit of taking small pieces of information out of context and fabricating a worst case scenario in my mind. I seek to "Know" what is unknowable about the actions of others by digging around and assembling pieces of information into a scenario that is possible, but wholly unverifiable. I have just begun therapy and will be working to remove this as a component of who i am.


Aside from my physical appearance, which my wife has never complained about- these issues, whether together or separately, have been present in every close call throughout our marriage. They remained unresolved and so we have not moved forward. Now, she has sought to have her needs met elsewhere. I take small comfort that she chose a virtual solution rather than falling in love with someone else.