Maybell XXXVI: Moving Day

[Maybell]

I'm not sure what to do with all this so I'm going to put it here this morning and see what kind of feedback I get.

I'm feeling terribly insecure lately. I don't get a lot of positive reinforcement at my office. There are only three of us: the owner, my next boss with whom I've developed a good friendship (who has been enormously disgruntled and is one bad day away from walking out), and me.

I'm very well-educated but I stayed home with my kids for twelve years. I was transitioning into a new career three years ago when STBX decided he wanted to make a cross-country move. The career I had in mind was something I'd been wanting to do for a long time and I had finally found the support system necessary to start bringing it to life when the move happened. That knocked me back several months, and then as I was starting to figure out how to rebuild it, BD occurred. (I should say that this is not the first time STBX's career/desires interfered my own goals).

I'm moving into a field that is newish but related to what I was doing before. I'm in admin with the intention of working up in this field -- but really, admin is almost as much as I can handle right now, what with the house, divorce, kids, etc. and the sheer enormity of adapting from being a full-time SAHM to a full-time single working mom.

Last night I was required to attend a marketing dinner hosted by my boss. There was one guest there in particular who is well-known in the community for being wealthy and powerful. he made it clear that I was beneath his notice. Worse, over the last couple of weeks the owner (a woman and mother of adult children) has been spending a LOT of time complaining about "these young girls" who go to college, get married, and then take time off to raise their kids so that their skills are (she claims) useless when they re-enter the work force 10-12 years later. (News to me since I'm the only one who understands how to make the technology work, among other things).

How do I not take that personally?

There is no part of my life right now that feels rewarding or manageable. I have very little support. I'm exhausted all the time. I'm not stupid but I'm tired and overstretched and I feel like that makes me look stupid. My boss (the owner) has been dropping balls left and right -- major balls -- but if a file isn't exactly where she expects it to be at the moment she wants it I get huge sighs and eye rolls. (Her mistakes have nothing to do with me).

I feel like this post has turned into an aimless vent session, but what it comes down to is that I do not feel reinforced anywhere in my life. I feel particularly undervalued at work. Nothing I do anywhere is treated as good enough. I feel ugly and I'm really struggling to maintain my sense of my own value. The injustice of the way STBX has walked out (and yet seems to expect me to be friendly with him) makes me want to vomit. People say "oh, you're so strong" and I feel like it minimizes the weight I feel myself wanting to buckle under. But buckling isn't an option.

I can't go on like this indefinitely.