First post. Desperate for advice.

[Last]

Here I am. After a long road working on my marriage with my wife, I am posting a cry for help. I would appreciate advice. It would seem that since D-Day I have done everything wrong.

On 5/24 I discovered several things on my wife's iPad. She forgot to erase it all the night before.

Yahoo chat log with a man.
The most intimate possible images shared.
A sequence where she asks "where to" and is given the name of a hotel. Goes there. Is then told "room 276". End of communication...
Her Ashley Madison profile
Her Cougar Life profile
More chats. There are many.

In her email: many messages from interested men.

In her photos: more intimate pics.

I was floored. Things began to fall into place. After several years of strained marriage with many ups and downs, My wife recently ended a career. Took up a new hobby. Lost weight. Changed her hair. Took more interest in her appearance/wardrobe. She was on top of the world it seemed. SO happy. She talked of how men noticed her at the store, at starbucks, on the street. "Good for you! I'd say. But then after about 3 weeks of this I made my discovery, and new the real reason for all this.

I confronted the same day. She admitted to everything. She told me that she was lonely and unfulfilled in our marriage and that her communication with these men validates her, make her feel attractive, wanted. She was adamant that her hotel meeting resulted in sitting down for a drink at the hotel bar, and nothing more. She says chatting is the only thing making her happy.

I was understanding at first. I know things were bad. I had basically given up trying after years of difficulty. I was devastated, yes. But I took it as a wake up call and promised more effort on my part. I would be a better husband if she would commit to our marriage and try with me. We spent a week closer than ever. Seemingly on the mend. However, the chatting continued, now partially in the open. I thought I could handle "just talk", and stupidly gave consent. Turns out I could not handle it. The images my mind created tormented me day and night.

Then, I went off the deep end. Snooping, scheming, back-checking. Violating her privacy and trying to catch her in lies. She became angry, defensive, and declared that SHE could no longer trust ME. She says in this environment where she is alone and has zero privacy. She feels I have set aside her rights as person to her own space.

I want to stop worrying constantly, but she won't stop. The chatting continues. She has taken down the profile, promised to stop photo sharing, but she has established chat relationships with "a couple of guys" that she continues. I have told her that before I can heal from the breach of trust she has to stop doing it. We are at an impasse.

We are now at the point where I have told her what my boundaries are on this. I have told her that her activity is causing me pain. She has told me that she needs this and will not give it up until she feels like our relationship has improved to take its place. It is her "safety net".

I feel like we must divorce if we can't resolve this. I hurt all the time.

HELP! What are the alternatives???