Abuse from a partner is not fixed through DR

[Vanilla]

Maybe what is needed is a thread on abuse with a link. Could that be recommended?

I doubt very much that I would have acknowledged abuse without DB and examining my lack of boundaries. This was my first experience of it too.

It was setting boundaries and being encouraged to do so which led me to finally say "I will not be abused".

Z has a very valid view here, sometimes (but not always) it is another poster who points out abuse. In my case both Sandi spoke and Gg (green grass), was brave enough to discuss her experience and then other posters spotted it. I really do believe without brave posters reaching an understanding of abuse, especially emotional abuse or verbal abuse and who mention it that dynamic remains undiscussed in sitches.

After my experience I do truly believe we have a responsibility to be open about this and to call it when we see it. Even on DB threads.

linda, whilst the person abused did not cause it, they are caught in a dynamic that keeps them doubting their experience. it's hard to acknowledge the abuse to yourself, and it takes a great deal of support and introspection to recognise it and change it. I can attest to that, and my journey into abuse was short and sharp. I recorded it and I would always encourage documentation to reground the abused person, to use as a reference when we doubt our reality. We are survivors in recovery when we do this. There is an element of Stockholm Syndrome iespecially when the soothing phase of the abuse cycle starts.

That is why DB is doing what matters and changing what can be changed. Doing that which works. DB an abuser, a compulsive or an addict is unlikely to change the abuser, compulsive or addict. Or to change their R. I say unlikely but not impossible. DB an MLCer can be very different.

The primary of goal of an abuser is to control not to twist for freedom, it is core to the abuser to control, abuse is that tool. My experience of MLC is limited but it seems that abuse is not the core aim of an MLCer. Abuse is a by product of MLC behaviour not its driver. Compulsives and addicts control to continue the addiction. it is the primary driver.

I have to admit it is very hard to admit that I have been abused, and even now I occasionally doubt the reality of it, until I listen or read my own experience.

I was diagnosed as non codependent, I did not enable my abuser. The more I stood the worse the abuse got, some DB techniques intensified the abuse but that is the thing which eventually caused the intervention.

Z is a very brave young woman and her journey of discovery is a very important series of threads. I commend her for her courage and determination.

V