What points don't you agree on? Can you be specific?
TO ME FROM W
All points in yellow.
ME to W
What then are your counter points? We can negotiate from there. Let's start with one point/issue at a time. Maybe that will be easier. Take it in smaller chunks
Thank you for the thoughtful post. I so very much appreciate it.
I love my wife more than anything on this Earth. I love my children. All I ever wanted to do was help heal whatever this problem is. I have been confused becuase I honestly did know where it is coming from, but I do believe that it is her issue.
That is completely clear to me and has been throughout and that you are clearly the more stable parent in all this.
That does make sense that this AP is her bridge to her new life.
Yes, I have been angry, depressed, frustrated upset, confounded, sad, all of the above. I don't want to win any points and don't have a score card I keep. That is not what marriage is about in my book. Its about two equal partners navigating this life together. Not through control or intimidation or threats just love. We have been married 3 times (due to changing laws of states). That is how strong our love has been.
absolutely the case. It's hard that the laws keep changing HeavyD as that is uncertainty.
Since October my WW has the drum beat of I don't love you, I want a divorce and this has gotten louder and louder and louder.
Yes I agree that is the case HeavyD.
At the coffee shop yesterday she said Get it through your head I am divorcing you. She was practically shouting it out me.
I believe that this is to with her need for freedom, rather than her need for a D from you. I can't see she can marry this AP partner. It is her confusion over herself.
What else can I do with that? She filed for divorce, we tried mediation and we could not come to any agreement. When I don't agree with her, out comes this monster. Talk about the one who is scared. Its me who is scared when she spews.
That's what they do. Standard fare you have said that yourself.
The paperwork is already in the courts. I have asked her to pull the petition and lets navigate this crisis together as a family. She refuses. She wants me to pull my lawyer becuase I can 'trust" her.
Your L has set the next date.
Again, I don't want this divorce - I hate the idea of a D but she has filed and it is going through regardless of my desires.
My only choice is to have a lawyer or not. My choice is to have a lawyer to protect me and our kids from this emotional and financial fallout.
I agree you need an L, absolutely I do. You set the boundaries for your L, take advice from them. My concern isnt that you D but that you speed it along in anger.
This whole situation saddens me beyong measure. I am bereft without my wife and family. Everything we have worked so hard for is now going up in ashes and for what?
WW and her freedom.
I am beyond sad and if it does come to Divorce, I will be as gentle as possible and hope that it brings her happiness and a measure of healing although for us, it will bring ruin.
You seem angry and are moving to set dates.
Do you have any other suggestions to stop this madness and help us heal these issues? Is there anything else I can do? I have tried my best to follow the DB principals although I made a lot of mistakes along the way, I have read the books, had a coach or two, everything to salvage this mess.
If you wish to slow things down my lovely then your L will have ways to do that. I am concerned for you, that you are playing your part in moving quickly in anger. WW wants mediation which is a much slower process within the D structure. My L was adamant that I do not mediate and that I press for D very quickly, as fast as I can to achieve the best fin result. But mediation or arbitration would add many months to the D process.
I am most concerned about you, my lovely one.
So perhaps I am not as clear in my thinking and posts as I can be. Because this is so similar to my own D process (not sitch), I sense it can be fast or slow.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Why do you say "if I am set on Divorce?" She has already filed the papers. The divorce is already in the court system. I can't stop the process even if I wanted to.
No, but a long mediation slows things down. Mediation is heated and generally not just one session. I help clients with this and it can take several sessions over a period to achieve a mediated result sometimes. In one case as many as 15 over as many months.
What is it that she wants? What is it that she is flailing against? To find her own voice? To be free? To do her own thing? To get away from me? This AP? I have seen all of the emails to and from the AP and they are hot and heavy - it's enough to know that they are "madly in love" and will sacrice anything for their love.
Mediation is about finding a way through the maze of emotions and issues. We are not saying MC here but vital things to do with child access, fins and resources. This is your M with WW. Her R with her AP is at its peak it would appear so. Mediators would not perceive a married AP as a long term prospect for parenting. Especially not one 600 miles away and unable to provide.
I keep feeling like I am missing something here?
That you may be moving your side forward quickly in anger. Have you both truly explored that which mediation has to offer?
Are you suggesting that we do go to Co Parenting classes together or is that in the future.
Yes, I am suggesting you consider it seriously at a time when you are calmer. both of you. That may not be immediately.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I am not so angry and I am so sorry that comes across in my posts. Yes, I am frustrated and bewildered. I think I mentioned that I felt like a dog being jerked around on a chain.
All of this is beyond belief, but I would take my W back if she would only give up her AP which she won't. She knows I want it because I have told her so and there is nothing else I can do. She told me earlier than she wanted someone to fight for her, and our marriage, I did that, and now there is no one left to fight...
I can't force someone to love me who has clearly stated so many times now that I can't even count - I AM DIVORCING YOU. I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE - I AM IN ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP. GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD.
I have instructed my L to not be hasty in this process but it has been 9 months now. We have to agree before it is signed off on and then it's 6 months in the system.
So, it will be well over a year before it actually signed and presented I am guessing.
She and I could not agree on the financial aspects of anything.
That was the gist of it.
The point of using a good mediator is to work towards agreement.
I qualified to mediate on tax issues, which I do often and divorce is one of those issues. I also do probate mediation between different beneficiaries. There can be knives, at least verbal ones, banging tables, walking out, drama, even spitting!
It is not just we can't agree lets go to court.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
You need to go back to Heavy's previous threads to read up on why we all do not encourage to do this DIY D approach and go to mediation with W. W has been trying to get Heavy to drop her L so she can steamroll over Heavy and screw her over legally.
I am not so angry and I am so sorry that comes across in my posts. Yes, I am frustrated and bewildered.
I care about this more than anything. To do all you need to do with detachment and to have that so that the D itself is done for you in a place where the outcome is letting go. Frustration is a combination of anger and sadness. They are feelings and they need not define you. Bewilderment is an action, a choice when another behaves in conflicting ways or when feelings oscillate. There is no need to apologise for feelings, not ever, they are yours and valid. None can define your feelings for you and often what we state are feelings are really beliefs or thoughts that we can control.
I think I mentioned that I felt like a dog being jerked around on a chain.
Yes my lovely I know and read it in your posts that is why I urge you to let go. Letting go and detachment mean letting go of the outcome. It doesn't mean letting go of your desire to stand for your M. To me it means that you can do what is needed because it is needed, not just because of what it achieves.
To let WW jerk you around on a chain is holding on to the outcome. If you can let go to unleash your collar, which is your choice to do, then WW can't jerk you around. You can sit in the observer position.
All of this is beyond belief, but I would take my W back if she would only give up her AP which she won't. She knows I want it because I have told her so and there is nothing else I can do.
You can detatch and let go.
She told me earlier than she wanted someone to fight for her, and our marriage, I did that, and now there is no one left to fight...
You can stand for you and your M. In peace without fighting or struggling if you detach and let go
I can't force someone to love me who has clearly stated so many times now that I can't even count - I AM DIVORCING YOU. I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE - I AM IN ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP. GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD.
100% remember, Sandi guideline.
I have instructed my L to not be hasty in this process but it has been 9 months now. We have to agree before it is signed off on and then it's 6 months in the system.
Absolutely, you have time to use.
So, it will be well over a year before it actually signed and presented I am guessing.
Yes, and many things can happen in that time, more so if you let go and detach. Even APs do a runner in that time, things change quickly, sitches change when DB is used
Dear heart I care very much when I see you in so much pain like this and I would like you to have as much time as possible, to see those emotions not drive you. For space peace and above all to remove that awful jerky collar and chain. And still stand.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
You need to go back to Heavy's previous threads to read up on why we all do not encourage to do this DIY D approach and go to mediation with W. W has been trying to get Heavy to drop her L so she can steamroll over Heavy and screw her over legally.
It is all in those threads.
Wonka that's not my point.
Mediation as part of a D process with an L has a soundness. No one would ever suggest dropping an L in any case. There is a place for both. I would add that mediation is considered essential here in the UK in some divorce cases, Judges won't hear a case unless it has been undertaken.
It slows the process.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 06/09/1511:03 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
