Let Go VI

[Vanilla]

The real kicker is that she said again "I should have left you years ago". She uses that as her Ace trump card.

you are reading into this that it is because of you and who you are. I really don't think that at all. WW is confused about who she is within your R. It is her own frustrations and confusion you are seeing and as time goes on even more so.WW has a more basic confusion about herself and her identity. I doubt this is about you at all, though it is directed as if it were.

I said "Why didn't you then"?

I doubt if she really knew.

She says "I was scared too, scared that I couldn't make it on my own, scared of your reaction, didn't think I could do it, scared to go back home to tell her family she was a failure, etc...""

Once again I doubt if this is about your M. I think she is telling you the truth and in reality that is nothing to do with you or who you are.

Let me get one thing out there, I am 5/3 and weigh 114 lbs and my W is 5/8 and weighs about 200 lbs so the "I'm scared" of you is kind of ridiculous.

I still think this isn't about you.

I said "why did you beg me to marry you last summer in the back yard with our kids in the ceremony?". She replied "I thought you would really love me then." ARGGHHH - what gobble de gook is she spraying.

She believed this would settle her conflicts. It was truly unfair of her.

All of this situtation was because in her words "I did not love her". I told her that must have been painful for her to belive that. I then asked her how does she know what I am thinking?

She doesn't. But this is about her feelings and beliefs not yours, it doesn't really matter if it's untrue they are still valid feelings for her.

I told her every day how much I loved her and demonstrated it many many many ways. I wasn't the one who had the affair (even though it was my fault because I did not love her enough) and I "kicked her out of the house" for having the affair. Again, she left on her own volition for space to figure this out.
Yes, it's rewriting history. WWs do that to justify their actions.

She has these stories in her head that ARE NOT REAL. The events she is painting ARE NOT REAL. She is talking nonsense.

Yes

But to her, they are real and I can't control her nor do I want to. She believes what she wants to believe and behaves like she wants to behave.

Not necessarily, WW will 'know' the truth somewhere. This WW is very confused about herself and in an A.

It reminds me of interventions, the addicts are always angry that the family is giving them tough love, kicking them out of the house, not giving them money. The addicts always say "Why are you reacting this way?" What they don't get is that it is the addict behavior that triggers the reactions. The addicts have it backwards.

HeavyD I can't agree with this. Addicts want to stay addicted, it is the addiction talking.

I have to walk away from this.

Only if you want to. You don't have to do anything even D.

HeavyD, I haven't posted to you for a long time. Mainly I wanted to understand your thinking a little more. And the advice you have been getting from Wonka and the others was so wonderful that I felt I had little to add.

The anger in the above has bothered me for a while and I kept going back to reread it. I can see the same anger in your recent posts. I would like to see you detached more and let WW work her sitch.

You can't MC away a D and I am glad you have come to that decision. Your WW is in a complex position, it may very well be that this AP is a transitional partner to support WW through her D and WW recognises that this A is not a long term prospect R for her particularly if your understanding of plurality is concerned. This alone will be unsettling for WW. WW is flailing and hitting out as she can with every weapon she has. I agree that this AP is unsuitable for your children to meet, but ultimately you may have little choice. I fear that may anger you, so I sense there is the need to explore your feelings further.

The post above is the most telling for me, so I include my comments. This is the third or fourth attempt at my post and I still don't feel I have this correct, but I sense I am not gifted enough to pin point my discomfort more accurately.

I am not a dissenting voice more a rational one. This demand to D is about WW and her lost position in her own life. She has also lost you completely and she is isolated poor and unable to afford an L. Her choice of course. WW has lost her identity because of her A and she is afraid. I think she states the truth as she understands it at the time she says it. There are grains of gold.

If WW can't afford an L then she can't . Let her deal with your L directly. Fair enough and it takes the heat out of it.

This however Is the mother of your children and for their sake alone take the higher ground here. Be open hearted for their sakes and detach from winning every point. If you do work with love and with your higher power then you will have the most loving result of all. I would rather see you do this in detachment than in anger. Accepting that WW as a WW will do that which WWs do. She isn't doing this to make you angry, everyone has their own rationale for this.

Your hand is very strong and the cards are in your favour. Keep your hand closed and take care of you. You have all the aces, be a winner with dignity and respect, because you do have the upper hand. If you are set on D do so more in sorrow than in anger and because it is the best for you and your children.

WW made her choices and must live with them. I really like Wonkas idea of family counselling to enable you to coparent for your very wonderful children. I for one would like you to hold that thought until a time when it is appropriate.

I confess I don't see the peace in your posts although I detect a little more acceptance that WW wants to D.

I wished I could reach out across the miles and give you a big hug. Remind you of Cadets wise saying that you have the gift of time.

Peace

V